Reflections on the year that passed...

I’m back to Moscow from vacations. The New Year 2009 has already started. But I still feel kinda incomplete inside unless I give out my reflections on the previous year. What it changed in my life, and how…

It started at Natasha Bayurova’s house when me, Lyuba, George, Des and 2 friends of his crashed in 2 min before midnight with a bottle of Champagne shouting, ‘Aaaah, are we still on time?!’ There’s a common saying in Russia, ‘You’re gonna pass the whole year the way you celebrated its coming’. Messy celebration… messy year… It was the first time I saw that George’s not that madly in love with me than I had been thinking. He did not miss a single girl at the party, having practically forgotten about me – dancing with each and every female creature… Later on there was this story with a girl from Petrozavodsk (eh, forgot her name)… Then Nastya (this name I will never forget!) Then… but it doesn’t matter, since it’s all over for me now…

Lyuba is in America now working as bartender and surfing ‘New Yawk’ couches :) George gave up everything – studying, working, moved to his best friend Vanya and is enjoying the life to the best he can. Des has spoken to me only once since that party, for me to help out with accommodation for him and his 20 friends somehow. He is not a party bird, and has been probably shocked by all that mess (taking in view how quickly he and his friends escaped from the ‘bash’), and decided to keep aside from me and my crazy world :) Pity. But he’s not the first and not the last one since people have a tendency to come and go. "You have so many relationships in this life. But only one or two will last..."

It was a very hard and tense year – mentally. But at the same time the most fruitful one for me ever, in terms of my understanding of life and my soul.

The year of constantly being overwhelmed at work and putting all my efforts for the future of the company and the happiness of the people who take you for granted and do not care a damn about the way of talking to their subordinates. The year by the end of which I made it clear to myself that whatever sympathy you have towards your colleagues or whatever loyalty to the company you carry in your heart you should never place anything above your personal dignity. Nobody will consider your opinion until you firmly put it. And none of your bosses, and nobody at all’s gonna play a “Cinderella’s godmother” for you. Unfortunately. I will never forget the words my ex-boss told me as a piece of advice for future, “Don’t like the company – like the job!” I tried going along the first road due to my character of being faithful to the team you work with, and my desperate hope that they value me, at least a bit. And they do, but only in the scales of their own interest…They are smarter. But I am much younger :) Silly excuse, but it helps me not to blame myself for being too shy in expressing my own demands. Still, I don’t regret doing what I was doing over the last year. Helping the people, sometimes staying in the office until midnight and even longer, doing the tasks I was not supposed to just because I felt responsibility for ‘our common business’ (guess this is a reflection of communism times, since anyway I was born in the Soviet Union :)) I regret them treating the people like that. All of our juniors, and even seniors. And I pity them since it’s their problem. People come and go, you’re your inner vices remain with you until you have a courage to accept your being wrong and consider it for improvement. Sounds quite pompous. I didn’t want that… What I lack is some impudence. Who can contribute a bit to me? I’ll return your favour with interest ;)

This was also the year of still bigger problems in private life. Constant fights and rows with George, our inability to hear each other and adapt to each other’s way of life and thinking. I was trying hardly, but whatever I suggested or did was immediately rejected by him. I still remember how I once suggested something to fill in our weekend, and got an answer that the idea’s good, but he hates me, since it was me to develop this idea, not him. Of course we did not do it, because he was not in a good mood for that. I still don’t see what was wrong in my offering something to him… But it does not matter now :) Then I found his love messages to some other girl. But forgave it. Then he nearly broke off with me because of a short hook-up with Nastya. I again forgave it. Even after he completely cheated on me with her for more than a week while I was on holidays with my Granny, after all that f*cking June when I could not go to work for several days because I was having a stress and all those Nastya’s calls and messages to me to make me feel still worse… I again forgave him... Probably to elaborate. To let the passions fade away inside my heart, to let me grow strong. To put an end. But we both did it simultaneously, at one and the same time at the beginning of December. So peacefully that even remained good acquaintances. Sometimes his stupid childish mind irritates me, but overall I find him a good lad – completely lost in life, but good lad.

The story with George helped me to reveal three important truths to me that I did not see that much clear before. First is that I have fantastic friends! Only thanks to them I recovered so quickly. In all that second half of June seen vague to me because I was not myself, I hear only three phrases of three of my friends: Lena’s “Yana, everything we have on our way is our lessons. Our souls get experience through it. Even when it hurts you, say thanks”; Polina’s “Of course I do suggest that you should at least take a break if not letting him go. But you have to come to it yourself, somehow, and not now”; and Lera’s message to me, the first one to make me smile, typed as a respond to my question “Did you get home safely?” – “No, we’ve been taken hostages by terrorists and are going to Iran now ;] Wanna me to bring you a souvenir from there?” :))) This I learnt fast and well – I should value my irreplaceable, indispensable friends.

The second thing I learnt was that I should never wish harm to any person, whatever shit he does to me. I frankly wished harm to Nastya, even drew schemes of taking revenge upon her in my mind. Until one episode made me see how I was wrong, and that no person in the world has the right to hold a court for another person. Life will take up this role. Of course I knew all these fundamentals before. But it was only last year that I did not only understand them, but also accepted, put on myself and started following.

The third thing is somehow linked to the two previous ones. After I sent that June message to George like that please be happy with her, I’m sure she’s a good girl, and please do not make her suffer because she’s weaker than me and she will not stand it. After that I woke up in the morning with a clear vision of what I’m gonna do in life. Socially. I sent a message to Vlada, “The world will not be better. Same with the people. But until my last tiny hope dies, I will be banging my head against a brick wall to try to make at least the world of the people whom I meet on my way better, to the best I can. Even if they will not value that. And they will not. Most often”.

How did I come to it? Guess the roots were planted when almost 3 years ago I registered on Hospitality Club. Then, a year later, on CouchSurfing. Even though the official mission is stated somewhat differently, “bringing people together”, I would put it in my way – “Bringing the Good together”. When I registered, I was excited about freebie when traveling. But the more I sank into the project, the more people I met through it, the more I got to see how broad and deep was the idea of such clubs. Last year I got into Moscow HC/CS community life, made a lot of new friends among those CSers and HClubbers who reside or temporarily stay in Moscow, and it happened to be the turning-point in my whole mentality.

Small things that made me happy :) I bought skates, a bike and a guitar. Did not use much of skates. Just tried them once with Lena. Did a couple of short bike trips around the Moscow region. And liked it, although I was fully exhausted after each of them, not being used to such physical loadings. And did not touch the guitar at all! Shame! Shame!! This year I will learn to play it. I promised it to Manu :)

Short trips to New Jerusalem (Istra) with CSers, Velikiy Novgorod with George, several trips to St.Pete both alone, with my ex-boss and with Granny. Yaroslavl does not count :)

The more my vision of life was changing, the more I was stopping to act like a Moskovian. I will never be one, and… do I need to? Later I was feeling enormous pride inside when some people from the regions asked me, “Where are you from”, and I answered, “From Moscow”. And felt embarrassed when some Moscow guys were asking, “Were you born here?” and I had to reply, “No, in Yaroslavl”. Now I find it so stupid! How silly I was! How ‘screwed-up! Now I feel no constraint to say I’m not from Moscow by origin, and moreover, I’m proud of being a Yaroslavlian. And have no problems with the people’s reaction at all :) If they like it – good. Don’t like it – better! The undeserved get filtered out immediately :))) I remember how Ox once told me not to “try to color my giraffe spots” ‘coz it’s what makes me different - and unique. I now tend to increase my visits to home since it has been, is and will always be my home. Even if I like my Moscow life too much to return to Yaroslavl.

New friends gained - Lera, Vova, Zhenya, Natasha. Got closer to 2 more people, previously mainly acquaintances of mine, now my very good friends – Natasha (another one) and Lena. I finally got closer to Katya, my flatmate, at least she’s now sharing some private things with me and I know where and with whom she has spent the evening ;)

I got further and further from ‘glamour’. All these high-heel shoes, chic’s dresses and stupid chats about sponsors and money in pompous clubs – all this R&B life is not for me. What’s the use of pretending to be the one you never be? Standards are nothing. I would prefer the sincerity of sitting around the camping fire with a guitar in mud up to my knees in the middle of nowhere. Yesterday I saw a cool wild orange T-Shirt with a phrase on the back “Goodbye D&G!” If they had S size I would buy it :P But they only had XXL :( If Mom saw it, she would get a heart attack, since she’s too wrapped up in prejudices about how a girl of my age should act and look like :)))

That’s briefly (ehh… not VERY briefly to be frank) what the last year for me was like, and what it brought to me. This one’s gonna be tons better. I feel it at an intuition-level. And woman’s intuition seldom tells a lie ;) Besides, it’s my year – I was born almost 24 years ago in the year of Bull. Hope my Bull brother will be generous to me in all the aspects ;) Same to you all! :)