Everything passes someday...

Все когда-то уходит

Все когда-то уходит
Рассвет разбивает сны
Все когда-то уходит
Не остановишь дни

Точка закроет повесть
Кривая нарушит круг
Или, растаяв в вечность,
Смолкнет аккорда звук

Не растянуть мгновенье
В бешеной гонке вперед
Но и она не вечна -
Всем нам один черед

Все когда-то уходит
В снег обратятся дожди
Все когда-то уходит
Не остановишь дни…

Mood

I was waiting these holidays so anxiously since I had so many plans promising me a fantastic time, and I hurried so much home on a Friday evening to start the weekend at once. But instead I got a bunch of offensive words, silence, days broken and a feeling of enormous guilt and regret inside. This feeling has not left me still by now, and I have a lot of questions to myself - and no answers. Or maybe I don’t feel like knowing the answers?.. Wished to talk to Polina yesterday hoping she will raise my mood. But she was sad herself, constantly asking, “Ah tell me am I gonna find my love in the end? Where does it wander, the feeling which they show in the movies?..” The only good thing of the whole weekend was seeing Mom and spending some time with her, her colleague and their pupils. They are so light, so happy, so cheerful!!! I forgot how to be like that… I stayed overnight with them and was even 20 min in advance to work today! That’s my absolute record. But I’m sitting here in my workplace by myself staring into the monitor… and don’t want nothing… Just wish to lock myself somewhere and never show up again or melt somewhere among those to whom I’m used to, like my close friends or relatives. Don’t want to see anybody new. It’s silly, and I try to fight it, have just sent an sms to Lyuba, “Do we have any party today, or we might just meet up?” But she does not respond… I can go home in the evening and pretend to be busy with some insignificant stuff like making a CD or downloading a movie or making dinner. But it will not put the heart of my worries at rest. Until I know what I want and what I need – what I don’t know yet…

"Где найти ответ?
Где найти покой?
Это просто жизнь -
На уровне с игрой..."

Almost dead

Almost dead... Caught a cold several days ago and had to stay at home rather than enjoy life during the whole weekend. It was still worse 'coz I was at my hometown and could not have an opportunity to see friends or do as much as I could. And now... terrible cough every 3 seconds, so that I could barely eat my lunch today, nose running and headache turning head into a brick. But still have to stay at work and ... work. AWFUL! I'd prefer to jump to bed as soon as I finish work, but I need to buy pills to stop this cough and pay for the Internet... Ah... so many things to do... Don't want nothing and noone... Wanna sleep and not to wake up, for at least one week... Ah ease my pain! KILL ME!!!

My 'nice' morning

What a ‘nice’ morning I had today! I was fast asleep when George started waking me up, “I think it’s time to get up, come on, come on!” Yesterday I told him to be more firm at doing that ‘coz otherwise I would never get up myself. He sounded very resolved, and I got up and forwarded to the bathroom, slightly rocking on my way. George was still lying in bed seeing dreams. Then I crawled to the kitchen, opened the fridge and took some things for sandwiches. And I was just about to grasp the sandwiches I made when I suddenly looked up at the clock. 3:59. Noo!!! I thought something must be wrong with the clock, and went back to the bedroom and looked at the clock in my mobile phone – same! It’s not difficult to imagine my next reaction, “GEOOOOOOORGE, I WILL BITE YOU!!!” Sure I crashed down to bed right at that moment…

He said he must have seen it in his dreams that it was time to wake up. Very nice, isn’t it? ;(

Rrrr...

Rrrr... When I say, "No" - how can it mean "Yes" I wonder? And why should anybody take it as "Yes"?! I've been telling this word to him too many times in respond to his invitations, every time finding a reason not to go. If one's not a fool, he'd understand I don't want nothing with him!!! But this American keeps on calling and calling and calling me, worse than Turks who phone me too often with their invitations to Turkey (I think I need to delete my phone number from my HC profile). I don't know HOW to get rid of him, but I don't wanna start to offend, 'coz I'm bit of afraid, he really is sort of mad person... Right now he totally spoilt my mood for the evening... Hope the carpet cleaners will improve it. Or George. Well sure they will. Looking forward for the evening :)))

Stuff for home

I spent the whole weekend buying stuff for my apartment. On Saturday George and I returned home loaded with bags from IKEA and Ashan. On Sunday we went to HyperGlobus in Shchelkovo, a town in the Moscow region, 30-40 min from Moscow, to buy those things that we haven’t found on Saturday. It is such a pleasure to buy something for your living on your own money (even though I can’t afford buying beautiful expensive things that I certainly like), plan where you will put them, bring home and finally start using! As if these things open a new life before your eyes.You feel indescribable sensation washing them and finding a place for them. And you never feel tired when carrying them, no matter how heavy them might seem to you. Because they are YOURS! :) In Russia we use to say, "A burden of one's choice is not felt". The only sad thing is that I don’t have my own apartment, and every time I move to another one I will have to pack my things again and go. It’s the most important issue among all I face. The most complicated and the longest one. And it's almost impossible to solve this problem presently :(

STUPID

Forgot my glasses when hurrying to work (being late as usual). So now I am sitting in my computer chair stretching my neck as far towards computer as possible. But it doesn’t help much, ‘coz my working table is too wide :( That’s how it happens: you leave at home something to which you are accustomed, and in a rash turn into an absolutely helpless creature. Plus spoilt mood and irritation towards everything and everyone. Awful! Thank God, George is at home, and will soon bring me my glasses. I can’t start working normally until I get them. Maybe it’s time to think about contact lenses?.. Ah, why am I so disorganized?! :(((

“We are the champions my friend!!!”

I still don’t believe that we won the match “Russia-England”!!! 2:1 WOW!!!

The match was held here in Moscow yesterday, selection to EURO 2008, seems like the whole Russia watched it (either at the stadium, or sport bars, or at home stuck to the TV box) and prayed for victory. But nobody actually believed we were capable to win, ‘coz everyone knows that Russia can’t play good football :)

However yesterday match was more like hockey! We were great in defense, aggressive, good combinations… What has happened?! Nobody knows, but everyone’s happy!!! It’s like a holiday for us today, everyone’s congratulating each other, and yesterday Russia partied all night long :)

Now we have 2 more matches – with Israel next month, and with Andorra. But the most “dangerous” competitor is defeated yeah!

In my office we banked for either Russia or England. Russia was 10 rub. England – 20, ‘coz it seemed to be the most possible result. I banked for England, too. And I lost. But I’m happy that I’ve lost!!!

Roller coaster mood.

The mood during the day is like on a roller coaster ride. One moment you feel high, and the very next moment you get smashed.

I was so happy to find Vova finally in Moscow! We got to know each other through Yar hub in spring, and used to chat a lot nearly every day. Then we both discovered that we’re leaving our hometown for the capital, it’s just that he left a bit earlier. And I lost all the connection with him, since he changed a sim card in his mobile, and then I moved to Moscow and didn’t have the Internet for almost 2 months. And yesterday I suddenly met him on ICQ, we exchanged phone numbers, and he phoned me, so that we could finally talk to each other for half an hour. I was really on top of the world to find this great guy, my very good acquaintance.

Then Mom phoned. I wonder why she always acts as if she’s the centre of the world and everyone should do what she wants to! I knew she’s coming to Moscow with her colleagues to visit a theatre this Saturday, and I told her many times during the last 3 weeks not to buy the ticket for me, ‘coz I won’t have an opportunity to join them. First I wanted to go to Rybinsk with my friend, now the weather changed and we decided to stay in Moscow, but I still have other things to do. “I knew you will finally give up this stupid idea to go to Rybinsk”, she says. /She always finds my every idea crazy and stupid, but I don’t care/ “So I bought a ticket for you”. – “Why Mom? I told you I have other plans!” – “Because you must go to the theatre, ‘coz I think if you went to the Variety Show Theatre /she considers it to be a non-serious place to visit./ then you will go to this theatre, too” – “Yes, I’d love to, but I don’t have time on that day, I told you!” – “Then we’ll lose the money spent on that ticket” – “But WHO told you to buy it? Why do you always act the way you wish to? Haven’t I told you I won’t join you?!” – “You’re a rascal!!! Don’t come to Yaroslavl any more, I don’t want to see you…” etc etc. WHERE IS MY FAULT??? AM I TO BE BLAMED??? WHY DOES SHE ALWAYS BEHAVE AS IF I AM HER PET???

Now I don’t know what to do… I wanted to go to IKEA and do some household things with George. But now I know I won’t have peace in my soul, ‘coz I will be thinking about that damned ticket and Mom upset for me (even though there’s no actual reason for that!)… Wish to phone Granny and talk to her. Really do wish to. I think I’ll do it today in the evening…

A talk with a Militia man.

It should have happened someday, but as usual it happened right when it was last thing you expected to occur. A nice couple came to visit me (a girl from Novosibirsk and her boyfriend from Hungary), plus George came after university, and we all went to the supermarket to buy something for dinner. And when we were walking downstairs we came across two men accompanied by the Boss of our house – one too wish-to-know-all-about-neighbours Granny.

The man asks me,
“Do you live here?”
“Yes”
“Then your documents, please”
“What for?”
“I’m your district Militia man, please, your documents”
“They are in the apartment, and I’m in a hurry, there’s another person there, she will show you the docs”
“NO, I need your documents, NOW”
“Aaaaalright…” I turned round and walked back to the apartment for the docs.
“There’s no need to act as if you’re doing me a favour”, says the voice from behind.

The Granny hurried to put a word in, “Ah, new neighbours – and a whole crowd!”
“We don’t live here, we just came to visit her”, George says.

The next few minutes I’ve been passed through an interview.
- Do you live here?
- Are you registered here on this address?
- What’s the purpose of your staying here?
- Whose things are all that?
And blah blah blah.
Finally he said, “OK, no more questions to you, you may be free” AS IF I HAVEN’T BEEN ONE BEFORE!!! SHIT!!!

But when I went out of the apartment I had to pass through another interview. The Militia men learnt that Imre was a foreigner, and he was not registered. F*ck, I hate our stupid system! Why can’t a person just come and visit the country?! Why do we, Russians, have to be registered in Moscow, the capital of the state where we all were born? We are also Russians, and we HAVE a right to move within Russia – what the hell?!

Everyone kept silence. I felt like I needed to say something to rescue the guys,
“They are just my friends who came to visit me, that’s all” I do all my best to smile drowning the desire to punch them at their faces (although I’m a girl and I’m not supposed to act like that, but damn all the prejudices, I really wished that!)
“Where did you get to know each other?”
“Through one international organization…” I tried hard to recollect the name of any organization
“Which one?”
“Eh.. MitOst” We never chanced to meet through MitOst sure, but it was the first organization that slipped from my tongue.
“What is this organization responsible for? Red Cross-type?”
“No, it’s an organization to unite Eastern and Western Europe and establish friendly ties among the states”
“Well ok, ok… I just need to know if it’s a sect or not”
“OF COURSE NOT!!! It’s sponsored by Reichstag!!!”
Ha-ha-ha it never was financed by Reichstag, but I simply stopped controlling myself :) Anyway the phrase sounded very impressive, and the Militia men gave up and set us free.

Imre was totally shocked. That was his first impression of Russia. We tried to calm him down as much as we could. And after that we get surprised with the world’s attitude towards Russia!!! When even Russian citizens born here are treated like undesirable guests in the capital having no right to anything.

SIMPLY NO COMMENTS.

Some good quotes

Today I was translating quotations for a training module, and several struck me personally:

“The one who causes anger is excused. The one who gets is accused”
(this applies to some of my (ex) friends, won’t specify)

“Whatever you vividly imagine, ardently desire, sincerely believe, and enthusiastically act upon… must inevitably come to pass!”

“You never get a second chance to make a good first impression”.

“We are our choices”.

Crazy morning

SHIT I missed the work-start by sleeping!!!

Yesterday I was so happy to return home and find no one there (which is such a rare thing, ‘coz there’s always someone in my apartment, my guests, or Katya’s). Didn’t have much time to enjoy my happiness though, ‘coz it was 1 a.m. already and I was hell sleepy. The Internet did not work, George did not send me the password to my lap top that he had changed, and I decided to give all the fluff and go to bed. Making plans for tomorrow morning…

The sms signal broke my dreams. I stretched my hands for the mobile, but I didn’t look at the sms text – what brought me to a standstill is the time: 8:47… Work starts at 9:00… Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!.. I don’t remember WHEN I got ready for work so quickly last time. No breakfast, no bed-making, just putting any more or less appropriate (for the office) clothes I found – and rushing out of the house at cosmic speed… Sleeping while running… But still late for 40 minutes ((( Now I have to sit in the office until 6:40 p.m. Which means I will have just 2-something hours to pack my things for Nizhniy (leaving at night for a weekend to visit Vlada).

And loads of work as a nice addition to this nice morning of mine (

The only 2 good news is that Mom has solved the problems with my mobile tariff and they will stop taking money for incoming calls, and that George will come and make a dinner for me to feed me while I will prepare for the trip ))

By the way, that magic sms that has woken me up was from Gabi))) Thanx friend, what would I do without you? ) JUST HUUUUUGE THANX FOR EVERYTHING!!!

Poem from childhood

Following the story about childhood I suddenly remembered a poem which I composed when I was 9 or 10. The poem about summer.

Лето, лето милое, подожди, постой!
Далеко уходишь ты - я иду с тобой!
Вместе мы на листике полетим туда
Сквозь моря, поля, озера, сквозь леса, луга.
Облака помашут нам белою рукой.
Далеко уходишь ты - я иду с тобой!

Old School

It’s gonna be a long story, but I feel like I NEED to let it out. You’ll be a hero if you read it up to the end )))

Once I was surfing one special site for Russians where they can meet their classmates and old friends who may now live in other parts of the country or the world. It’s a great place to meet your old acquaintances and recollect some moments of your childhood. There was a group on the site which caught my attention, “Old School 90s”. The people who gather there, are my age or a bit older who chanced to have had their childhood in the 90s. We were discussing all sorts of old stuff which made up our childhood years, and it made me sink into my childhood once again.

I know we all had the same and thus different childhood, ‘coz our geographies differ and cultures differ, too. And different things made us happy. My childhood years are related to the end of the 80s and the 90s, the period when Russia experienced a huge shift from the Soviet regime to what is now called ‘democracy’ (though I certainly argue it). It was the time when we suddenly started to get all that weird and fascinating (fascinating, ‘coz it was totally weird) Western stuff which we never had before.

I was 6 or 7 when that man from “Slave Isaura” perished in the fire. I remember how the whole Russia was weeping that evening. And I was eager to do everything my parents wanted from me, just to get a permission to watch “Santa Barbara” in the evening. And no one of us can forget how C.C. was lying in coma for more than a hundred series and then simply tore the oxygen mask off himself and rose from the dead :) My classmate even called her cat by the name of her favourite “Santa Barbara” hero – Mason :) Then years on my family used to gather in front of our old TV-set to watch “The Rich Also Cry” (with Veronica Castro starring), “Simply Maria”, >“Milagros” (on Russian TV it was called “Girl with the name of Fate” for some reason), “Perla Negra”, “Celesta” and all its sequels, “My Second Mama” and many more. This genre was totally new for us, and it was such a surprise to watch an “endless melodrama”. We seemed to follow the sufferings and doubts of the heroes, ‘coz we didn’t know what the end would be like. It’s now that I can watch the first series and predict the end which’s gonna occur in a year :). My Mom became a fan of Andrea del Boca, while I was dreaming of Gabriel Corrado and Osvaldo Laport! And YES – “Helen and the Guys” (a French TV series about students) – it was a real hit, a mania! Everybody was watching it, we discussed it at school, collected pictures and posters with Helen, Nicolas, Goanna, Christian, Jose, Sebastian and others. “Thunder in Paradise”, “Beverly Hills 90210” (I was crazy ‘bout Luke Perry!) - I can go on for ages :)

“Gammy Bears” was a discovery for us! We’ve never seen such colorful, bright, and well totally different cartoons. There was a time when we started neglecting our own culture under the pressure of loads of Western stuff, strongly prohibited before. We had to pass this phase. And we passed it. Now these things are viewed like everyday stuff and don’t astonish us any longer. We are returning to our own culture finally. But those days we all were singing “Chip, Chip, Chip, Chip and Dale rescue rangers, Chip, Chip, Chip, Chip and Dale where there’s danger” and “Can you feel the love tonight…” I think I was 10 when they showed “Lion King” on TV for the first time. There was a children program on our local TV channel “Gorodskoy Telekanal” (“City TV Channel” – now it has almost disappeared, and mainly broadcasts the programs of Moscow channel “CTC”) every Sunday when they told about some big Disney cartoon and broadcasted it after. All the viewers were suggested to take part in a contest with the prize if we gave the right answer to the question, “On which famous play is the cartoon based?” Mom guessed it in 10 min. I didn’t know “Hamlet” by that time, ‘coz we studied some English literature only when I was 12 or so. But Mom insisted that I should call and answer. I didn’t want to, ‘coz I was very shy at that time and was simply afraid to talk to that man in the TV set. She cried at me, and we quarreled. I don’t know why, but this episode never left my head years after. But I was fascinated by the cartoon, and it still remains one of my favourites, maybe the best one for me.

It was the time of first adverts to appear. It sounds silly, but those adverts were the best ones! That dancing camel from “Picnic” advert – he was just awesome! Or the advert with Suvorov (our famous general of the 18th century) sitting at the dinner table with the Emperor family and noble guests and the Emperor asking him, “Why don’t you start?” – “But it’s advent Father, we can’t start before the first star!” And yes, those funny chicken legs flying up and forming a line high up in the skies with the voice coming out, “It’s not cranes – it’s chicken legs flying”. It was my favourite. And sure the absolute hit of the 90s – “Everyone loves Mamba. And Seryozha also!”

Funny, but we were happy to drink those god-awful juices of powder – Zuko, Yuppii, and Invite (remember – “Inviiiiiiiiite, you just need to add some water!”). And everybody was collecting wrappers from “Love is…” (Bubble Gum of Love) you remember that chewing-gum? Oh God, how tasty it was! Why isn’t it sold anywhere now?? I LONG FOR TASTING IT ONE MORE TIME!!! I had hundreds of wrappers with all sorts of love definitions, and always wished to get that “Love is…” box, but I never had a chance. Then Kinder Surprises appeared, and we got hooked to them for several years. My first collection started with Lions. I remember how insatiable I used to be, and needed more, more figures, the whole collection. We used to bring our KS toys in parcels, dump them out during the break, and change one toy for the other which we lacked in our collection. Collapsible toys went 2 or 3 for 1 figure. Depending on the figure status. I have the whole collection of Lions, Dwarves, Penguins, oh who else was there? I remember I once stole a dwarf figure from my classmate. I needed this only dwarf in my collection, and Katya brought it to school with other KS toys. It was summer school camp after the 3rd grade. We went on an excursion by bus, and I was always holding this figure in my arms while we were sitting in the bus, and at first I didn’t intend to commit this ‘crime’, but Katya seemed to forget about the toy and I just took it home. I was afraid to look in her eyes the next day. I felt ashamed. But I never returned the toy. I knew Katya was then telling her friends that I had stolen her dwarf, but they didn’t believe her ‘coz I was a person of trust at school, and they even came up to me and told me that Katya was rumoring about me! I played like I surely was not guilty! Ah it’s the worst deed of my childhood… There were Crocodiles in KS, too, before Lions, and those KS were a rare thing in Russia. We somehow missed them. But some guys had crocodile figures in their collections, and it was a matter of definite pride. The KS mania started when I was 9. And I was almost 11 or 12 when tents appeared on one of the central squares with the figures of crocodiles and other KS specials at sell. This killed KS. We lost interest. Now everyone could simply buy any figure he wished to, without taking risks with a KS egg. WHY DID THEY KILL KS?? WHO ASKED THEM???

But we soon found a new collection object – stickers. It all started with “Barbie”. We bought sticker packs, each one contained 6 or 7 stickers and we didn’t know what stickers we were to get. We stuck them then into the special album with the space for this particular sticker. The aim was to fill the whole album with stickers. The more stickers you had in your collection the less chances you got to have all new stickers when buying a sticker pack. And again we exchanged stickers to finish the collection. I’ve got the whole “Barbie” album full. And in “Lion King” I miss only 1 – it’s such a pity! Then I had an “Animal World” and later “Helen and the Guys”. But at that time we were losing interest to this, and I think half of these albums are left unfinished. Those who had the “Barbie” album full could get a present from the company – a real Barbie! It was a dream, ‘coz we didn’t have many Barbies at that time in children stores. It’s now that you walk through the children store and see hundreds of Barbie and Ken dolls in all the possible dresses with all the furniture. We dreamt of it. I never had a Barbie. I’ve only got a Betsy, and a Cindy. And a Pamela - a nice teenage girl of the Barbie type, but twice shorter. One could find these toys in “Children World” in Moscow only, and the dream of every child living in the province was a visit of this big store and at least have a look at all those beautiful toys. Still I was happy to have these Barbie copies. I used to gather my dolls and come to my neighbour Lyuba where we played with both my and her dolls. There was also the time when small German baby dolls were popular. They were mostly sold two in a pack – all dressed in pink crawlers or dresses, mostly girl baby dolls. I had such a doll pair, and when Lyuba came to me, we took two old armchairs and designed them as 2-storey cottages. One for each doll. And then played the day of each girl. Sometimes they met and had a chat, sometimes their days never brought them together. We could spend hours playing this sort of game. We also loved to play “Monopoly” and “Manager” like everyone else – table games where we could buy this or that enterprise, sold and bought shares, got rich and went bankrupt, started from scratch. Lyuba had those games, and I came to her every evening to spend 3-4-more hours running the business of my dream :))

We didn’t have computers – we had Dendies and Segas. Sega was much cooler, and nearly everyone had a Dendy. When we visited someone’s Birthday party we most likely spent the after-dinner part playing Dendy connecting 4 to 6 joysticks to it. I still remember “Mario”, “Battle Toads”, “Contra” and “Chip and Dale” games. And the one which I adored “Felix Jerry”. I could chose a hero there – cat, bee and some unknown heroes, each possessing a special quality – and forward towards the end of the game. I never passed all the stages, but I was constantly practicing. Our stores were loaded with orange Dendy cartridges – in the same way as DVDs fill the video stores now. I remember Mom never let me connect my Dendy to a color TV-set in our living-room, and I used a small black-and-white TV-set for playing Dendy games which stood in my room. I always envied a bit my classmates who could play color Dendy games.

We also had Tamagotchis and Elektronikas. An Elektornika was a forerunner of Tetris. It generally showed time and functioned as an alarm-clock. But it never mattered anyone of us. What was important is that it had a game. Each Elektronika had its own game. In my game a “merry cook” (that was actually the name of the game) was tossing up sausages and catching them back with his pan. I scored records after hours spent in following the cook’s actions. Sometimes my parents started to shout at me, “Go and do your hometask instead of playing this stupid game!” “Yes, yes, Mom, I’m coming…” but I never did before I scored a new record. It’s funny, but I’m one of those rare persons whose Elektronika is still working. But I don’t play now, I simply use it as an additional alarm-clock (one is not enough to wake me up in the morning :) Tetris was the same, but had more games, and they were different. Snake, Tetris itself, others I don’t remember. My favourite was Snake. We can still play it in some mobiles. My Mom is crazy ‘bout it, and once spent 3 hours playing Snake in her mobile non-stop :) Parents bought me a Tamagotchi as a New Year’s present when I was 12. I was on top of the world! My tamagotchi was a panda. I never managed to grow him up till 100 years; I was a bad pet keeper. But I did my best, and every time he died again I promised I would treat him better next time :) It was impossible to sit at the lessons, because I was always thinking about him, how he was, maybe he was hungry or wanted to have a walk. The teachers were crazy about that, but they could not stop this mania :)

When I got older a cassette-recorder became my favourite toy. Zlata bought me a radio cassette player when I was 13. For over a year I was just listening to some favourite cassettes, winding the cassette to the needed place with a pencil or with a finger (our children will not understand this process already). “The Best From The West-1,2,3”, “E-Rotic”, “Filipp Kirkorov – I’m Not Rafael”, “Tatyana Ovsienko – Za rozovym morem”, “Ivanushki International – hmm… don’t remember the name of their very first album”. The 2 first items were extremely popular in the middle of the 90s. We all danced Macarena at the discos and waited till that handsome blond guy from the parallel class would invite us to dance a slow with him to “Even Though You Broke My Heart” or “Casablanca” or “Tuchi” (“Storm-clouds”). I first heard “E-Rotic” when I was in the summer camp. I used to be a total “home kid” in those days, who spent time with the family and my dear Granny (unfortunately she’s not here anymore) instead of walking with other kids in the street. That was why I didn’t know most of the music and movie tendencies and was a sort of “out-of-date”. In the summer camp I learnt a lot :) And used to sing the songs of “E-Rotic” until I got 14 or 15. Now when I listened to the songs of the album some months ago I was shocked about the text! Oh my God, if only I knew what I was singing!!! But when I was 11 I had no doubt that in “Dr. Dick” Dick was the name of the doctor who was somehow gonna help the female vocalist :))) At 14 I discovered that I could find radio stations on my radio cassette recorder. That was the beginning of my “education in modern music”. I could listen to the radio for hours recording my favourite songs of Hanson, Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, N-Sync, Five, Ricky Martin and others. I started buying megapopular weekly magazines for teens of those days “COOL” and “COOL Girl”. It was 1997, spring, and we were cleaning the school yard. I have just watched “Titanic” and have completely fallen in love with Jack (or Leonardo?? no guess at that time I saw Jack in him, and Jack was my dream). And suddenly I saw a magazine lying on the porch with his picture on the front page! It belonged to one of my classmates, but I did not dare to ask her what sort of magazine it had been, ‘coz I used to be shy and diffident and was afraid that everybody would laugh at me because of my ignorance. However I took Granny out and went in search of this magazine. It was not hard to find, ‘coz it was everywhere. That was the first time I read a teen magazine. Since then I started buying “COOL” every week and learnt a lot of information about music and famous bands, actors, teen stuff, sex (yes, I learnt about sex through this magazine, ‘coz nobody ever told me about it among my relatives, and when I read the “love pages” in “COOL” for the first time I thought, “Woooooow…”). There was a great thing in each “COOL” – photo love story, one for several issues, like comics but about Russian teens and love. I could not miss an issue at least because of these photo love stories. I also loved to read the last page where fans were looking for other fans to have a mail correspondence (of course not e-mail, in those days we were wrote letters with a pen, as well as reports, essays and everything – just imagine a 20-pages report written with a pen! It took me a week to do it plus many hours in the library to find the information). I tried it several times but it actually did not lead to anything long-lasting.

We were talented. We composed verses. These masterpieces could be viewed all over the town – on the asphalt, walls, fences, windows (certainly somebody else’s). We constantly decorated the walls of our WCs with poetic and prosaic lines about all sorts of stuff – beginning with “Marina + Dima = Love” or “Igor is a nasty dirty f*cking freak” and ending with the teachers’ characterizations (usually of an evil kind). Vlada’s teacher of physics had the family name Kononov (when translated, “horse-like” or anyway it was derived from the word “horse”), sure he was given a nick Horse. I still remember a big line on her school wall, “Horse is goat” (“Kon’ – kozel”), “goat” here means a freaky person, somebody whom one strongly dislikes. But on the whole the phrase seems totally funny! It makes me smile even now, when I recollect the memories of those days :) It happened so that this man is a fellow-student of one of my Grannies, and until now when she talks about her friends, I ask her, “And what about Horse-Goat?” :)))

Grown-ups used to shout at us each time they found a new creation on the wall. And we knew it was no good to spoil the walls, but we could not restrain this soul squall. I remember one hit in our toilets made up of the quatrains in Russian across the whole wall saying,
“On WC walls to leave some notes
Believe me friends, it’s no hit
Among the shit you all are poets
Among the poets you’re a shit” :)))
Or lines like “It’s better all dead rats to eat, than to hear Alisa’s hit” (Alisa is a famous rock band of those days), or “Kurt’s not dead – he’s gone to smoke”, or “Who’s a fan of club Dynamo is a son of a blockhead mama” (Dynamo is a soccer club).

We liked to gather altogether in a yard and play games. Simple games with a ball: football or “square” (a football type game when 4 people draw a square with a chalk on the asphalt and divide it in 4 sectors, each of the 4 people is responsible for protecting his sector, and if the ball leaves the sector the person who kicked it scores a point; my friend Sveta (was my neighbour and best friend those days) and I used to play with the boys from our house, and we were constantly quarrelling simply because they were boys and we were girls – it was an everlasting fight until we all got 15 or 16).

There was a field in the neighbourhood used by Militia for training during the day, and in the evening we used it as a soccer field. Children from all the neighbouring yards joined us. I even met my first boyfriend Seryozha on the field during one of the games :) It was a relationship between 2 kids: I was 11, and he was 13. We exchanged love letters, and when I was at home because of homework he used to come up to my balcony, whistled, I took a rope, pulled it down to him, he tied sweets, chewing-gums, cookies and other tasty things to it, and I lifted the rope up again. So sweet! Ah where have those days of innocence and sincerity gone?! But then he beat my classmate black and blue just because he once came to me, and some other unpleasant moments, and it all was stopped by me. No idea where he is now. I used to meet him sometimes when I was passing his yard, some years after, when I was 15 and 16, and sometimes we even said, ‘Hey’ to each other, once he said, “Come sit with me for a while” but I said ‘no’, ‘coz he got into a bad company by that time, problems with Militia and alcohol. Then I learnt he was imprisoned twice. And then his tracks have completely disappeared.

Dodge ball – there were 2 types of it. One was traditional dodge ball when the crowd gathers in the middle between the 2 ball-kickers; the other was with one ball-kicker and the crowd stood at the wall, the “kicker” threw the ball to the wall aiming to hit someone. I remember I got a terrible head-hurt when we played it with a soccer ball, and this ball hit me so hard that I knocked against the wall.

“Squirrels-dogs” – a game when the people formed a circle and threw the ball to each other. And one was standing in the circle and tried to catch it. The others teased him, and he was running from one corner to another to get this ball.

“Odd man-out” (or “Third is odd” if we translate it word-for-word). Standing in pairs we formed a circle. One was a “he” (or “catcher” as you like) and also one was without pair. The catcher tried to catch that one without pair, and the latter had to stand up to one of the pairs, and the pair turned into a three-person line, third was odd, and now he had to escape from the catcher. Very active game with lots of running, shouting, and what not.

“Slow and steady wins the race” – I don’t know why it was called so. It’s just named by the first phrase in the phrasal unit that the he has to say, “Slow and steady wins the race, won’t miss anyone on your way, stop!” At the word “Stop!” everyone was supposed to stand still in the pose he was standing at that moment. And the he came up to everyone and tried to make him move – teased him, tickled him etc.

“Glimmers” – everybody was standing in pairs in a circle (one person in the pair after another) with one he. The he looked at the people in the front row and winked at the one whom he chose so that the back row person didn’t notice it. When a person saw that the he winked at him, he rushed to him, and the person behind him had to react and hold him, or he would lose the pair and become a he. I remember once my best school friend of those days Masha came to my yard (we lived at a one bus-stop distance from each other, and she usually played in her yard). We were standing in a pair. But then a boy, also Seryozha by the way, winked to me (he was the brother of one of my friends and liked me, and I liked that he liked me if I may say so, ha-ha in a couple there’s always one person who loves and one who lets the other love him – it’s a more widespread thing than two people hell in love with each other), and I remember Masha’s whisper: “I need to hold you, you know. But I’ll do it just one time for effect, and next time I will pretend and let you go” :))) And she did it. I was standing with Serg until the end of the game, and when somebody else winked at me and he did not notice I specially slowed to give him time and react ;) Ha-ha, how old was I? 11? 12? :)))

When we got older we liked to sit on the bench and play a quiet ball game named “Family”. One person was standing with a ball, and all the rest were sitting on the bench. The game-leader was creating a life story of each participant. He threw the ball to the first person, asking “Your name is…” and suggesting his variant. If the participant liked it, he caught the ball. If he didn’t - he didn’t. But suddenly the leader threw the ball shouting “Family” – and if the person caught the ball he could choose any name he liked. If he didn’t – the leader gave him any name he wanted. It might be a good name, or a dirty name (usually a dirty name, sure), and nothing could be changed. Then followed the questions like, “What is your boy/girlfriend’s name?” “Where did you meet?” “When did you have wedding” etc etc. It was funny when the story was created by the leader, coz he could make it so that the couple met at a dump. She was 6 and he was 99. They had wedding in the wood etc :)))

And sure some crazy deeds of ours like jumping from one garage to another (some fell down and hurt something, but these were rare cases) and climbing the trees (the person who planted the trees in front of our house used to come to the balcony and shout at us, “Get out of my plants you little fools!!!” but we never cared about it).

We also liked to call spirits, like The Queen of Spades and some home spirits – barabashka, domovoi etc (Russian counterparts of the English “brownie”). For that we had to gather in a dark cellar or just in a dark place and do some magic tricks, say magic words and wait… Usually it all ended with someone’s shout, “I see her/him!” – and we rushed out of the cellar screaming and crying :) When I was in the summer camp (I think I was 12) once we were calling some spirit (don’t remember which) in our ward. We did everything required, and said, “If you’re here, knock at the wall”. And we heard knocking!!! Ah we were so afraid, we ran out of the ward shouting, and were afraid to go back :) In the morning we learnt that the neighbouring ward heard it, and just knocked at the wall separating our ward from their ward :))))))

At home in our yard we found a hut and created a story that it was the home of spirits. Every day we chose one person who needed to go to the hut and talk to the spirits. The choice was made by the toss of the coin or a similar thing named “Rock Paper Scissors” (In Russian version it was actually "stone scissors paper";) guess you all know it: "Rock Paper Scissors - Tsu, Ye, Fa!"; rock wins against scissors, scissors win against paper, paper wins against rock). Everyone knew in his heart of hearts there were no spirits in the hut, but still everyone was afraid :) When he returned, he created stories about a talk with the spirits, what they said, and how he responded :)))

And another crazy game called “Sleep-sending”. One person pressed on the neck of another person, and that person had to fall asleep immediately. Most of us were pretending. After we woke up we were telling our dreams. We were small and did not understand that we could press on some artery and never wake up again!!! Cruel game of cruel kids of the 90s…

In winter we played snowballs, skied, skated, sledged and slid down the ice-hill. I remember my classmate Zhenya once broke my nose, because he stopped somewhere in the middle of sliding, and I slid after him and fell upon his boot. There was no blood, but the nose ached for a year and a half after that… We liked making snow figures, rolling snowballs (when the snow was not crumbly) and placing one on the other. When we were 9-10 years old a young man (for us he seemed a grown-up, but in fact he was just 16 or 17) used to come to our yard and play with us. I still can’t see the point of this coming. But maybe he just liked kids. We adored him! His name was Lyosha, but we called him Barabashka because of his family name – Barabanov. When he appeared we all jumped up to his neck and hang there – we were so happy! Our parents did not like it. They kept on saying, “This boy must be sick – there’s no sense in his coming and playing with you small girls”. But we never paid attention. Never was he a threat to us. When we grew up he disappeared. I sometimes met him afterwards when I was 15, 17, 19… He did not change. But of course he did not recognize me, and I never came up and start a chat.

I guess we were the last generation who liked to read. Until computers took all the time, but it happened only when we were in High School. Child detective stories were extremely popular in mid-90s. There were several series of such stories. One was a series of Hitchcock stories about a group of kids who solved crimes. The second was about 2 brothers – Frank (he was 18 and dark-haired) and Joe (a 17-year old blond) - this was my favourite series. And the third I also liked was about 5 kids (I don’t remember well, but I believe they were 5), 2 girls and 3 boys, and a dog. They were relatives, and met in summer, every time getting into an adventure. These books still stand in my bookcase, but it’s been a long time since I turned their pages last time. Of course we had to read a lot for school, but we never liked what we were supposed to read. It’s quite natural.

School… School… When I went to school in 1992 it was the last year of the Soviet school uniform. That usual one of a brown or black dress and a white apron (for girls) and dark-blue suits (for boys). We first had common Soviet schoolbags like the ones you see in old movies. But already at the end of 1992 colourful Western schoolbags started to appear. They cost a lot, and usually the richest kids were lucky to have such. When I changed the school the first memory of a new school was right connected with these schoolbags. In my old school only 2 kids had beautiful schoolbags. In the new school everyone had expensive colourful schoolbags. It’s a kid impression, but I liked my new school even starting with the way the pupils looked like :)

I also remember that the first day I came to the new class a boy held out a thick exercise-book to me with the words, “Fill it in!” It was the first time I saw this hit of many many years – Questionnaire. A thick exercise-book contained the info about its owner, and questions. There were dozens of questions about all aspects of life “What is your name?” “What is your favourite group?” “Who is your friend” “Whom do you love?” etc. The number of questions depended on its owner’s fantasy :) Usually at the end we had to leave some comments or wishes to the owner. Every one had a Questionnaire, some had even several Questionnaires, and they were filled in by hundreds of people. Of course we all were interested in the lines “Who is your friend?” and “Whom do you love?” Most often we left the first letters of a name and a family name of the person. Like Olga Kabuzova would look like “O.K.” :) The boy who gave me the first Questionnaire was the biggest hooligan of the class, but he liked me from the start for some reason, although I was shy (maybe because of that). In my Questionnaire that appeared several months after that he responded to the question “Whom do you love?” in the following way: “I LOVE YOU, YANA!” I think it was the first time when somebody said these words to me :))) It was he who had been beaten by my boyfriend Sergey a year ago when he just came to me for some book. Now he's playing solo guitar in one famous local band called "Leto na Marse" :) When many years after I was cleaning my drawer, I found several questionnaires of mine, grabbed them all and threw into the dustbin. How now I blame myself for that! What a fool! But what's done cannot be undone...

Reverting to what I was telling you about, when in the 7th grade I had to respond to the same question I didn’t know what to write. Well I liked one boy, and he was the most popular boy in our class, and he liked another girl. So I decided to name any other person to avoid rumors that I like Kirill he-he. And I chose his friend Rodik. Don’t know why. He was not popular. And I don’t know why I made up my mind to mention him. Maybe my intuition whispered to me that he was in fact much more interesting than his friend. I saw it years after when he grew up into a good-looking blond guy, very clever and straight-forwarded. He passed entrance exams to Moscow State University (the place where the most clever guys of Russia study), and left for Moscow. Now he graduated from it and probably stayed there as a PG student. But those days he was just Rodik :) I put his initials into the Questionnaire, and after some time I saw that he put my initials responding the question. That how it all started. For some time after that we were exchanging such mentions, then invited each other to Birthday Parties, danced slows (I think I still have a photo of us dancing somewhere in my writing-table) – were a pair? Who knows :) And then we just grew up… :)))

We were the last pioneers of Russia :)/a 'pioneer' is a famous Soviet analogue of a 'scout'/ The Pioneer Organization did not function properly already at that time, but we passed through the ceremony of dedication and received the usual attributes of the Pioneer Organization – a red pioneer necktie and a red cap. We never wore them, but we have them :) It is a legendary thing. There's not a single person in Russia and ex-USSR who does not know and remember it. Or at least know... It's so funny, when sometimes in the bus or tram there's a young boy or sitting on the bench and an old man or woman is standing beside him/her, and he/she does not stand up, you here 'Oh God, where the world's going... What kind of pioneers we're having now...' The Soviet kids lived according to the Code of Ethics, maybe partly because of that we used to be that 'Great Empire' :) "You, who are on the road must have a code that you can live by..." (Hanson)

We did… We were… So many stories… Can’t remember all… Can’t write all…

Hope it gave you some picture of what Russia of the 90s was like, and how average people were living in those hard transition days.

With love,
Me span>

Avril Lavigne. October 5, 2007

The concert followed her performance at RMA Ceremony on October 4 where she won in the nomination “Best Foreign Singer”. It was held in a new club “B1 Maximum” specially built to organize concerts of famous singers/groups from abroad. “Chemical Brothers”, Brian Ferry, Marilyn Manson, Alice Cooper, East 17 (I didn’t know they still exist), and “Funeral For A Friend” coming soon, too.

I arrived 2 hours in advance hoping to get a good place (mine was entrance ticket to the dance floor). But when I came, I saw a queue to enter the club stretching for not less than a kilometer! Mostly students, some teenagers even accompanied by their parents. Behind me stood a girl and a father talking about music. The father is a typical representative of a hippy trend so popular here in the 70s. And although he looked now absolutely average, the traces of hippy past could easily be read in his every word and gesture. He said to his daughter, “I’m so happy that you listen to rock and not to some popsa” (“popsa” is an offensive name for pop music). I envied the girl. My Dad does not like music at all, and Mom understands only classics being a classical musician, and I’ve always faced hurts and opposition on her side when I went to some non-classical music concert or simply switched on a music radio at home. And never did any of them accompany me to any concert of modern music! Always alone or with a friend, but mostly alone, ‘coz none of my friends want to spend 70 dollars for a concert. And I can’t count money when it comes to music that I like. Or just music.

When I entered the concert hall I saw a crowd of people occupying the very middle of the club space. I first tried to squeeze as closer to the stage as I could, but then gave up these efforts and left the crowd. But I saw some vacant place to the right – and oh God! There was a place in the first row, but a bit to the right from the middle! It was absolutely no problem, ‘coz I could see the whole concert and Avril was very close. Besides most of the guys tried to get closer to the middle, and those standing in the centre of the first row suffered greatly. Some lost conscience, and some even broke arms-legs because of the guys pressing them from behind. I also suffered this pressure, but the only consequence of it was my aching body the whole day following the concert. But it was a trifle when compared to a great show seen :)

What is the English word for the performance of another group before the main performance of the main group/singer? We call it “razogrev” in Russian (“warming up” or “heating” the crowd). Some group showed up on the stage with a nice blonde to be lead vocalist. She sang a number of absolutely weird and loud songs so that everyone wondered who the hell could compose such queer things. Then rather a nice song was performed, and I thought it could be a hit. Anyway I was sure this group could be some more or less known one if they warm up the crowd before Avril’s concert. But no one knew it. The questions, “Who are they?” were heard here and there. And only when they reached the last song of their performance we all understood who was standing on the stage – “Masha i Medvedi” (“Masha and the Bears”), a famous rock band of the end of the 90s, and the song was a great hit. The only thing about it was that they all were totally bald those days (including the girl), and now she’s a blonde, and no one recognized her. “Masha, please, never cut your hair again!!!” some guy shouts from the crowd. Everyone nods and smiles. “Yeah you look great with this blond hair!”

And finally the main show started!!! There’s no need to mention the crowd bursting at the sight of Avril, screaming and shouting, cameras, journalists occupying the area in front of the stage for the first song performance. I waved my hand to all TV cameras :) The only problem’s that I don’t know where and when to watch me :))) She opened her program with “Girlfriend” dancing with her ballet. And during the whole concert performed most of the songs from her fresh album plus everlasting hits like “Complicated” and “Sk8er Boy”. She changed dresses thrice, and microphones, played the electro guitar in two songs, and at the very end went down to us and the first row (including me!) could touch her hand :))) She’s so small!!! I’m small, but she’s smaller than me – not taller than 155 cm!!!

When the concert finished Security did not allow the crowd to leave until Avril’s team left the club. And even after that they allowed the people to leave in small groups – 10-11 people at a time. Of course there was a mess ‘coz everybody wanted to get home and got furious. I did not hope to get home by Metro judging the crowd that gathered at the exit door. But when I squeezed somewhere from the right, Security guy looked at me and said, “Don’t let anybody. Only let this girl pass”. COOL! What was special about me I wonder?! But I was pleased much :)))

I arrived at my Metro station already at 1 a.m. I hate passing the selling tents standing here and there near the Metro. But I had to… “Girl, please stop, stop, where are you hurrying?” Oh nooooo, I knew it would be like that… Some drunken male figure forwarded in my direction. “Hello” – “I’m in a hurry” – “Noooo, wanna go to drink something with me, or may I see you off home?” – “NO! I am in a hurry, ‘coz I’m tired and I want to sleep!!!” – “No, stop, stop, let me talk to you for a minute”. – “You’ve got just 1 minute. Talk!” – “Eh eh… I was trying to catch you during 3 days. But every time you hurried so that I could not catch you…” – “Oh yes, especially taking into consideration the fact that all those days I came home from another Metro station, ah?!” – “I am a psychologist, and I read mistrust in your eyes” – “Happy for you. What else do you expect to read there?” – “I am a Militia man!” – “You said you are a psychologist!” – “I will show you my license!!!” Great! What next? I’ve fallen upon a Militia man, what a luck!!! :(((( “I don’t need your license. I need to go home. Or… I will phone home now and…” – “Nothing will happen to you and your family! I am a Militia man!” This talk-of-nothing lasted for half an hour, until I finally said, “It’s not a good time to get acquainted. Let’s meet tomorrow at 1 p.m. near the Metro”. He nodded with his drunken head, and left. I hate going home alone at night! It always goes this way!!! Sure I never came, this goes without saying :)

Here I need to put a full stop to the story about my going to Avril’s concert. Wish to put dots, but will she come again who knows? Singers come and go. It might happen that no one would remember her name in 2 years. We should value this very moment whatever comes next. And whoever.

RMA 2007 (MTV Awards Russia). October 4, 2007

Usually the most-expected October event here until it finally takes part for everyone to see once again that like always it’s total rubbish :) This time it was held in a new Ice Palace on Hodynskoe Field (Hodynka), specially built for the last year World Cup Hockey. Advertisements loading TV and radio, huge colorful posters all around Moscow…

I left work 1 hour earlier to be on time to see the stars getting out of their cars and walking along the Red Carpet. I did not see many of them, ‘coz I had a ticket to the show, and I had to choose – whether to stand in the rain and watch the stars coming, or have a glance at it and go and watch the concert. Besides there were plenty of young people and journalists crowding the passage to the Red Carpet, and there was no chance for us to get closer. We were looking down from the 2nd level passage, like from a balcony, but thank my digi cam, it has big amplification. There was a stage right in the street in front of the Palace where some of the artists performed before the show. I noticed Aleksa standing behind this stage with her dancers, waiting for their turn to come out. Then a pompous limousine arrived and a glamorous girl came out sticking her chewing gum to the limousine roof – brrr, disgusting! Somebody said it was Slava. Who the hell is Slava?? I don’t care. Then there was a grand ‘traffic jam’ before the Palace, and the stars could not settle who would be the first one to come. Some lost patience, and walked out of the cars far from the Red Carpet and came on foot. Such were “Fabrika” girls (they had a small photo session before it, right in the street), “Otpetye Moshenniki” (two of them actually – Sergey Amoralov with some girl, and Garik). Some good-looking young guy even came up to the fans standing behind the fence and spent some time on autographs. But few people paid attention to what he was doing. Probably because of that the poor lad decided to reach the fan space :) Only at the show I learnt that he was a newly-made MTV star, singer and actor, from some teen soap “Alisa’s Dreams” (“Mechty Alisy”) where he played the leading part – Alexey Vorobyov. He is no way interesting, ‘coz he’s just like all other sweet pop guys of whom everyone is completely sick and tired by now. We have Bilan and Lazarev. That’s more than enough. Everyone was waiting for HER. Paparazzi tried to guess the car where she was sitting, but their efforts kept on failing, at least when I was watching it. After 40-something minutes I left the Red Carpet area, and went to search for my seat.

The show did not start even 30 minutes after the fixed time, and everybody started worrying when it would start and thus be over, ‘coz many were to go home by the Metro and the Metro passages were closing at 1 am. “Mumiy Troll” opened the ceremony with a mix of old and new songs, every next text competed the previous one in the degree of senselessness. I just wonder how one can compose such lines, or in which state one can compose such lines, or in which state one has to be to sing what he has composed in the state he was then!!! :)) Finally closer to 8 p.m. (instead of 7!) the Palace saw the show leaders – Anna Semenovich (ex-“Blestyashcie” girl, and ex-figure skater, too) and Pavel Volya (“Comedy Club). Their appearance started a shocking stream of dirt which continued to increase with every new singer or group showing up. I still can’t forget the dialogue between Sergey Zverev (an epatage showman and a hair-stylist) and Irena Ponaroshku (MTV VJ): “I know Sergey you envy my hair-stylist ‘coz he’s capable to cut my hair in such a cool way!” – “What I know is that he’s absolutely incapable to cut the hair on your mink in a cool way!” AND THERE WERE CHILDREN WATCHING THE SHOW!!! During the whole ceremony they were discussing the boobs of Semenovich, and Irena even asked for her permission to touch them at the end of the ceremony. Well we are becoming more and more like Americans with their vulgar way of leading ceremonies… What I wonder now is whether they think we are such morons not to react to any cleverer joke, or they are morons themselves not to be able to write a wiser script for the ceremony?!

But I didn’t care. I came for HER like most of the people, and I was waiting for HER. In the middle of the ceremony I received an sms from Mom who was watching RMA through direct broadcasting: “How can you watch this shit? No voices, no culture, to say nothing about howlers of VJs! I’m shocked of your music taste!!!” Yes, I can understand her reaction. She was 100% right.

There was Bilan and with a premier of his song “Amnesia” performed together with Timbaland (not a bad one, by the way). There was some group “Boycott” performing a song with Turbo B. There were Maksim, Band’Eros, Stasya, Alexey Vorobyov, Chelsea. Talking about Chelsea, Volya said a cool thing: “These guys want fame so much that they even decided to name themselves after the favourite soccer team of a man whom you all know. Hoping to get money from him, too. But judging by the fact that they did not win in any nomination – he gave no money to them by this time!” GREAT! :) I also liked his commentary to the victory of Bianca in the nomination “Best Hip Hop/R&B Project” /Bianca does not rap, she sings very pop songs with some slight hints on R&B/ “Liga’Lize /a famous Russian rapper, probably one of the best ones here/ is weeping backstage, and the whole Russia weeps with him – the best HIP-HOP project is Bianca!!!” :))) Liga’Lize also performed somewhere in the middle of the ceremony. Also “A-Studio”, “Tokio”, “Serebro” and a big present for the audience was a performance of all members of “Blestyashchie” of all times (including Olga Orlova, Zhanna Friske, Anna Semenovich – they are all solo singers now, Friske is the most famous among them). Zhanna Friske introduced her sister Natasha who’s a new member of the group. Others I just don’t remember… AND FINALLY at the end of the ceremony they were greeting Best Foreign Singer – HER, AVRIL!!! And she was giving a small 15-20 min. performance. The only live performance among all!!! “Sk8er Boy”, “Complicated”, “When You’re Gone”, “Girlfriend”. This was her first and long-awaited by all her fans (including me) visit to Russia. Next day she was giving a solo concert in “B1 Maximum”. But that’s another story. I don’t want to deepen into detail descriptions of everyone and everything, just wanted to provide you with a brief overview of where I’ve been and whom I’ve seen. I left right after Avril’s performance. Could not stand the dirty jokes of the VJs. But anyway I was satisfied. I saw Avril, and felt like I was a part of something special for Russia, even if it was not a thing of a good quality. But where can you find quality when we talk about show biz? (Sure “Hanson” is the exception.)

What I thought about during the whole ceremony is that any of my friends could perform not worse (or even better) than all these girls and guys who chanced to get a powerful show biz rat promoting their mediocre songs. “We’ll be together forever ... Oh yeah… Just say ‘yes’!” (“My budem vmeste vsegda… Oh yeah… Skazhi tolko ‘da’) God! What’s this shit about?? No more comments… Russia truly needs an independent company that would forward independent singers and groups who are not lucky to be sons and daughters of rich papas, but who really love music and can do a good performance without dirt, flam and clownishness. Once we have it, we will be right to say, “Yes, we do have show business in Russia”.

Morning words

The paper sheet with these words hangs in my kitchen, and every morning when I'm having breakfast I cast a glance towards it:

'Every day think as you wake up, Today I am happy to have woken up, I am alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it, I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others, to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings, I am going to have kind thoughts toward others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others, I am going to benefit others, as much as I can.'

Very first song

This is my first song. I started writing the text 5 years ago after the end of the 1st “Star Factory” (Russian version of “Pop Stars” or “American Idol”). It’s the song meant to be sung by the winner. I just imagined what song a winner of such project could sing. Then I gave up writing. And returned to it half a year ago just to get it finally finished. And composed the melody, too. This is non-format for me, ‘coz it’s 100% pop song, that’s why I post it here without hesitation.


Your Story

Have you ever though you would be here
On a stage among a million of beams
And the crowds crying out your name
Have you known of your strain?
Have you ever thought you’d win the game
Of creation every single day
And of much tension when they chose you then
And when you were saved again?

Whatever happens in your life
Don’t give up your starting
And one day the fading light
Will turn into the lightning
This is how comes glory
And always believe it’s for you
It’s your story

Have you ever thought it could be true
You’re now acting just like real stars do
Walking manners, dancing, singing skills
Have you known all these things?
You come out, to you they stretch their hands
You are living in some cloud land
When you see that who they need is you!
It lifts you up to the blue

Whatever happens in your life
Don’t give up your starting
And one day the fading light
Will turn into the lightning
This is how comes glory
And always believe it’s for you
It’s your story

Let troubles surround
And knock you down –
Don’t kneel to miseries
Let no one believe it
And uphold your spirit -
Take it as it is
Let tears appear
And bars bring fear –
Remember time will cure
Just don’t turn off your road
And trust one code
That I now know for sure

Whatever happens in your life
Don’t give up your starting
And one day the fading light
Will turn into the lightning
This is how comes glory
And always believe it’s for you…

Whatever happens in your life
Don’t give up your starting
And one day the fading light
Will turn into the lightning
This is how comes glory
And always believe it’s for you
And always believe it’s for you
And always believe it’s for you
It’s your story

The Day of the Interpreter

I have just learnt that yesterday was the Day of the Interpreter.
We were congratulating Lyubas, Nadezhdas, Veras, and Sofias on the day (the Day of St. Sofia and her daughters - Vera, Nadezhda, Lyubov), and nobody knew that I also had a holiday (nor even I!)
SO... I am eager to receive your congratulations!!! You are welcome to wish me all the happiness, luck, health, gloss, love etc etc that exists in the world!!! :)))

PS we will definitely correct it today having a small party with Lyuba and Yegor :)
PS2 there's another date today for me also - my Mom's having a Birthday

A Jump

Прыжок

Смотрю сквозь закрытую дверцу балкона
Мне все здесь не ново, и все - незнакомо
Твой мэйл о побеге в мыслях рвется снарядом
Бежать – но зачем? Ведь я рядом! Я рядом!
Нога – перекладина… Это не шутка!
Стучу. Маш, ну обернись на минутку!
Пытаюсь сломать – не могу… Наклонилась…
Как сделать, чтоб время вдруг остановилось?!

И, голос теряя, с последней надеждой,
Кричу сквозь стекло: «Помнишь, что было прежде?
Ведь мы же любили, мы счастливы были!
Не верю, чтоб вдруг твои чувства остыли!
Наверх, убежать от всего за закатом -
Но я же внизу, как ты сможешь одна там?
Да, жизнь не бывает безоблачной книгой,
Но вспомни о нас, Маш, не бойся, не прыгай!»

Как будто сквозь пластик ты что-нибудь слышишь!
Секунда – прыжок – и – ты больше не дышишь…
Всего лишь прыжок – и погас свет в тоннеле
Один лишь прыжок – и захлопнулись двери…
Внизу, во дворе, суета и гуденье
- 03! – Кто? – Тяжелая жизнь… избавленье…
Смотрю и не вижу… Сознание стерто…
Откуда здесь мяч?.. Да идите все к черту!..

Смотрю и не вижу… Любовь умирает,
А слез нет в глазах – злоба душу сжигает
Ведь ей было проще не биться, а сдаться!
Ей было плевать! Так зачем убиваться?
Скатилась слеза, и еще. Вот напасти!
Один лишь прыжок…Сердце рвется на части…
Мне надо … куда?.. разум мысли теряет…
А что там у них? Увезли? Мама знает?..

Вчера ты сказала: «Мы вместе навечно»
Бреду без разбора… Как жизнь скоротечна!
Один лишь прыжок – и все стало иначе…
Предатель-слеза… Все, я больше не плачу!
Проклятье! Кому? – слышу звон телефона.
Отстаньте!.. Стою у какого-то дома…
И с болью в душе устремляю взгляд к звездам:
Ты нас не ценила – ты бросила просто…

Fate or chance?

Do you wonder why this or that thing happens to you, or why this or that person appears on your way? And when it happens, is it fate or chance? Does it mean anything?

It’s amazing, the very time I start to doubt whether I really need to spend the money on the guitar and midi-keyboard (when I did not have most of other important appliances like microwave-oven, a washing machine etc) I meet a girl on ICQ (no, it was actually she who found me) with the same name, also from Moscow and also a HC member (!), who’s a vocalist of a pop duet (!!). Her husband turns out to be a guitarist, arrangement maker, has his own studio, teaches guitar (!!!), and can help me buy a good guitar and teach me to play it! Besides they are looking for song text authors! What’s that? Is it the way some magic power from above tries to show me that I need to go on? Or do I just simply believe what I desire?

Lena says that every situation we get into is useful ‘coz it teaches or shows us something. She has dozens of evidences to this. So do I, but my stubborn mind still keeps on saying, “Stop it, come to earth, there are no magic powers in the world”. I know. But how else can I explain it? What’s your opinion?

Best friend of a child

On Sunday Lu and I went to watch “The Nanny Diaries”. A nice comedy-melodrama about a young girl working as a nanny in a rich Manhattan family. Nothing special about the plot, but it somehow touched my heart so that I was about to weep at some dramatic points. The scene when the nanny says, “The worst thing that could happen to you is getting attached to the child, but how can you remain indifferent when these two big eyes are looking at you with hope?” was especially strong. For me, because I felt the same when I was giving private classes to a small girl 3 days a week for almost 3 years. Very soon she started sharing her secrets and everyday stuff with me, and once she said I was her best friend. It’s such a small thing to be named ‘best friend’ by an 8-year old girl – and big thing because you feel that this small person trusts you and loves you.

“Yana do you have a child?” – “Nooo, you’re quite enough for me Nastya, believe me” (this was actually meant as irony, ‘coz she was always so noisy and lazy!) - “Cooool! Thaaaaaank you!!” with a tight embrace following.

There were moments when she suddenly addressed me “mama” – first year it confused me, second – amazed, and third – made me almost happy.

I suggested her mother that she would bring Nastya to the music school. The one which I finished, and where my Mom now works. It made me feel proud to advise something useful to her family, being the person whose opinion was important for them.

When I accompanied her to the swimming-pool to put a swimming cap on her head (she can’t do it herself) from time to time when her parents had no time, or when I picked her up after music school classes to bring home and hold an English class there – I was proud, too. I enjoyed playing the role of a ‘big sis’ to this small girl, and everyone took me for her sister in fact. Am I a good actress? But was it acting?!

She always tried my new clothes (jackets, coats, fir coats, scarves, gloves), and every lesson ended in my shouting, “Nastya, return my coat to me, I’m in a hurry, I need to go!” – “No way. You’ll stay here!” – “Nastyaaaaaaaa!!! I said BRING ME BACK MY COAT!!!”

I remember that Tamagochi I bought to her. She was asking it so persistently, that I had to satisfy this need of hers. But when I said it was going to replace her Birthday present, ‘coz that’s enough of presents, she said, “Take it away, I don’t want it. I want to have that Birthday present”. I got angry and upset all in one, took it away and left it somewhere on the steps of the porch. I didn’t regret those 100 rub. spent on it, but I felt like my present meant nothing to her, though I wished it so much to buy her something that she could use and remember me. Sure she is just a child, and she didn’t understand that, and I needed to explain it to her. But well we can’t turn back time, and I must still be not grown up enough if I let these childish acts happen on my side.

She may be different. Quiet and naughty, all heart or mean, she may make you almost furious and want to kill everyone around, she may upset you. But still it fills your heart with such a joy, happiness and completeness when you spend the time with a child. Will she remember me in 10 years? Who knows. But I know that I will always remember these 3 years that I’ve been the best friend of a child.

Silence

Today crossing 3rd Transport Ring to get home I suddenly remembered Ox. Don’t know why, but I felt like sending her something, although we did not communicate for over a month. There were moments when I was almost sure we would never talk to each other again. Then that poem of hers, my poetic respond to her, her poem in respond to my respond, finally ending in her insults and blames and my silence. Yes, there were and still are things I can’t understand and I still remember “If you look at everything from your arrogant roof then there’s no need to be always the first to write to you”, but guess we both crossed the line when sending those blameful texts. Anyway knowing myself well, I just needed time to forget ‘coz I don’t like to remember old hurts.

After the apartment question had somehow settled down, I just knew at once what the main point of my anger was – because she did not go with me. And I sent her an sms, “I’ve thought about it, and you know, what the real reason for my anger is, - not that you let me down with an apartment, but that you did not stay in Moscow with me. Because how great it would be if you did”. And I’m glad she got it right. “And… is Avril giving a concert?” – “You read it???” I was surprised, but happy to know she was still reading my Blog despite of all. She then even phoned me from Yar on my home phone and we finally had a normal talk after so many weeks. I know we will never happen to spend as much time as we did before, ‘coz university’s over, and she’s leaving for Holland, maybe forever. But at least we’re friends again. I think I need to write to Katya, too, ‘coz I hate it having a taste of quarrel with a close friend and be silent.

We all make mistakes – some are trifles, some are not – but it’ll never do us good if we kept our hurts inside us ‘til the end, ‘coz it’ll never leave if we value friendship at least a bit. Mom never spoke to her Dad properly after divorce. Many times I asked her why she never phoned him or went to visit him, but she constantly replied it was none my business. So that I’ve never seen my Grandpa. Mom once told me we met him in the trolley when I was little and they talked a little, but she intentionally did not tell me he was my Grandpa and I simply paid no attention to some stranger talking to my Mom. There were plenty of such strangers all around! Why did she decide for me?! She had no right! I thought I would meet him at Yulya’s wedding, but his sister told him a lie that the wedding date had been transferred, just to help my Mom never meet him again. It was the last chance for me to see him. Never mind. I don’t feel like it’s a thing of vital importance, ‘coz I don’t know him and he has no place in my life and in my heart, but I can’t understand those who prefer to solve their problems by silence. Silence never helps. It drowns. It fills the every spot of your ‘box’ so that you’d never chance to hear anything more. Do you like being deaf? I don’t.

Old old poem

I was tidying up my writing-table and found an old poem of mine, written 5 or more years ago, meant as an epigraph to an essay:

Crowds around you hurry somewhere
Trying to reach their goals
While you try hard to learn for what we are there
Why we should live in this world
Someone who’s greater uses us in his story
Just to create what he needs
We are his tools, things he searches for glory
Life is a cart on his wheels
Asking the questions, seeking the solver
Is dead-end road of lies
You’re neither maker nor a performer
You’re a mirage of the times

Spirit of youth

Yulya was totally right yesterday, “We shouldn’t live for tomorrow only. Need to save some space for today, too”. I returned to the office and booked the ticket to Avril Lavigne’s concert. Found a guy on the Internet who is a theatre ticket distributor, and bought a ticket to the theatre, too. Called my friends to the Irish pub. If I want this, why can’t I satisfy this need of mine? After all, money’s nothing if one doesn’t spend it to bring some joy to his life. I can’t really understand those who are just gazing at distant tomorrow skies. It’s a no go. Then you turn round years after – and life’s gone – and you haven’t done anything you could have. I know plenty of such sad stories. These guys are now eager to give everything to turn back the hands of time. But it never works out. “The time is up… it’s 5 O’clock… it never stops…”

It’s such a privilege to be young and have no horizons before you. And being able to do whatever we wish to, ‘coz there are so many wonders and so many chances. And let this spirit stay in us for as long as it’s possible in our not-so-easy life! That’s my biggest hope ever, ‘coz whenever we dash it, in a trice our world turns into a black-and-white ‘everyday’. Is that what we’re born for? “Noway! Noway!.” We will prove the whole world that we CAN live a real life – life full of unbelievable adventures, miraculous discoveries, fantastic fulfillments and a whole color spectrum emotions! Life we dream of!! Life we long for!!!

"Take me to the place
Where we belong
Where we wanna be
No inhibitions
'Cause we're young
And we want to be free!"

A wave of inspiration

Yesterday I posted my translation of “I Will Come To You” on our fan site. And got replies, “Cool”; “Great. Got any other translations?”; “I’m delighted. Greatly done, I think it’s the best translation”. I am happy :) It’s so important to feel that you have some skills, you CAN do something good. Especially after a number of pressing failures. I feel a sudden wave of inspiration washing me off the usual office routine. And I’ve got some new ideas. Which – you’ll learn it later, after I implement them and if I do it :)

Broken Boomerang

I need to redo the text of “Reliability”. Yes, they both did let me down, and I still feel a kind of upset, more not ‘coz of this let-down, but ‘coz it were they, the people whom I trusted so much. One apologized and we restored piece. One did not. But it’s not what it’s about. Now – I’m doing the same thing to Katya, the person who never let me down in any situation and who was praps the only one among my so-to-say ‘new’ friends (mean not from school days, those ones who are tested by time) on whom I could rely (mm… not 100% sure, ‘coz practice showed you never know, but almost). I can imagine what she now thinks about me (or maybe even cannot?!), and though I apologized I know things will never go on like they did before. ‘Coz I’m now out of trust anyway. And she’s serious and responsible, so should her friends be. I don’t fit in. Never did, but I was trying my best to meet these requirements. Silly – you can never hide the truth. And my lot is spending chatty nights in pubs laughing ‘bout some silly joke with those who will easily kick me off their way as soon as they think I’ve gone too far and hinder. I HATE IT! But I know that I will always go lured by something insensible. And well it’s better than letting down decent people and feel ashamed and guilt after. I feel bad. I have a desire to get on the train back home now, and leave everything behind and disappear in the usual fuss of Moscow. Hoping to forget this blemish. I won’t, but I will play. Like I always do when I feel bad. Talking to those who don’t know about what has happened. I will tell, but they won’t blame ‘coz no one blames ‘til he’s into this, too.

They say, “as you sow you shall mow”, right? Or “your every deed will boomerang to you”. Then I’ve got some broken boomerang at my side, ’coz I first mow, then sow. TELL ME WHAT’S THE SENSE IN A BROKEN BOOMERANG???

To Oxana

Оксане

Когда б любой упрек или обиды звук
Казался блажью,
Развитие души застыло б вдруг,
Пропав однажды
Да, свой порок подчас нам не понять
Так полно, глубоко, что тот, у друга
Так почему б ему не подсказать
Ему ж в услугу?
Но если другу проще бить в ответ,
Стрелу переводя, чтоб легче целить,
Неся с собой один лишь разочарованья след,
Быть может, глупо было в дружбу верить?
А может, глядя в дождь, мы не бессмертья ищем
И даже не о добрых чувствах молим слезно,
А ждем лишь пары слов, для древа дружбы пищи:
«Я подвела. Прости. Я поняла. Серьезно»?..

Recent doings

God, it’s almost a month that I haven’t been here! But it’s so hard to find a minute when being torn apart somewhere in between Yar and Moscow. Interviews to follow one another, sometimes up to 3 on one day. And you’re ready to drop right in the Metro carriage after a day of rushing about Moscow in an office suit under +30 C (to be surely hotter on a Metro ring line, especially at peak hours). Finally, it seems now that I’ve found a job, but I haven’t yet sent a confirmation in response to an employment offer letter. The problem to solve now is finding an apartment to rent, and it feels like being a much bigger problem than getting employed. But we’ll make it :-) I returned to Yar for a couple of days to settle a number of other questions, while Lyuba stayed in Moscow. Hope she’ll find a way for us while she is there.

Music-wise, 3 new texts appeared meanwhile, “Rainbow”, “Radically Tuned”, and “Who Sold The Book?” Ox has recently made a ‘useful acquaintance’ through which we found a good studio with moderate fees to record some of my tracks. Need to make them first. I’m buying a midi-keyboard and a special graphic lap top for this purpose (damn it’s hell expensive!). But it’s a question of months, no doubt. I’m quite decided about buying a guitar and learning to play it. I feel like time has come to do the things I’ve always longed for. Life’s too short to wait. I think it was Sergey Lazarev to mention this aphorism in some interview, “Those who patiently wait - get something in the end, but this something is usually what’s left from those who never waited” SUPER! :-)

I’m placing thick dots here, not a point, ‘coz I’m gonna keep on updating you on what’s going on in my life, and sharing new thoughts and stories. But right now I need to go. Mom’s ex-student is visiting us in 2 hours with her groom to invite Mom officially to her wedding which will be held on August 20th. Great girl, and I’m happy for her happiness! She deserves it!!!

Biiig hugs and kisses,
Love ya all,
Me.

About the favourite band

Love is only what you give up -
Life is in what you get
Love won’t always fill your cup,
But life’s when you start to live
Life’s when you learn to give…

It’s generally so hard to formulate why we love this or that thing, since the more we love it the greater spectrum of details about it falls into this love zone. We’re all looking for something that would correspond with what we feel or think, that would explain to us some simple formulae about a difficulty to make the right decision: “Sittin’ on the corner of nowhere road just between “I wish I could” and “I don’t know”; about a loss of a dear person: “I don’t want you to cry and weep whooooa. I want you to go on living your life. I’m not sleeping an endless sleep whooooa. It’s in your heart you’ll have all of our good times. Oh, all of our good times...”; about lack of understanding and loneliness: “Sitting on the side, waiting for a sign, hoping that my luck will change. Reaching for a hand that can understand, someone who feels the same. When you live in a cookie-cutter world being different is a sin. So you don’t stand out, but you don’t fit in. Weird…”; about love: “It doesn’t mean love’s wrong just because you’re feeling low. And it doesn’t mean love’s gone ‘cause you feel that you want to let go. No one wrote in this book of love that you’d always know. I wish someone would have told me before…”; about life and struggle: “Everyone waits on a walk. Some are long and some small, but all of them tall. And everyone must make a choice – will I go for it all, and possibly fall? The tightrope is thin, I could possibly win on the walk…” They’re just the same as they were when they first showed up 10 years ago being merry 12-17 year old kids bombing concert halls with pop/rock’n’roll songs. The same in the sense that they never got false to themselves and yielded to the destructive influences of show biz placing show above music to snatch a large sum. They still write all the songs themselves, the songs in which they describe experience gained, life situations they got in, and conclusions drawn out. Their whole life passes before your eyes in their albums. They grow up, and the songs grow up with them. They become harsher, more serious, more mature. 10 years ago they sang about computer games, comics heroes, favourite toys, friendship, and other things that worry children. Now, they sing about problems of AIDS and poverty in Africa, about family and children (‘coz they all are married by now, and two of them have children), about the ‘many-sidedness’ of life and inability to grasp the whole of it, about music. What am I fascinated at? Someone else’s life? No. Sincerity! Music as a form of expression your inner state, your feelings and emotions – that’s the way it should exist. And it does exist in their songs. Unpretentious lines, with no definite rhyme structure make you imagine them saying the same if you got a chance to talk to them. Real names they often refer to make you deepen more into their world. And you don’t care that this song is dedicated to their friend, or a wife of one of them. It is devoted to a real person, close to them; the lines come out of the heart, that’s why it’s always easy to transfer it on to your friend or lover, ‘coz “we all are human”, and we all feel and suffer the same, although we might live in different countries all-around the world. To say nothing about rock’n’roll and rock/pop rhythms, so dear to my heart! They are masters of arrangement, and their versions of James Brown’s, Chuck Berry’s, Kingsmen’s, U2 songs are a marvel. The more you listen, the more you feel it could not be done better.

Tell me does it move you?
Does it soothe you?
Does it fill your heart and soul
With the roots of rock’n’roll?..

Every rock’n’roll lover has his face and his name of rock’n’roll. My face is called IKE-TAY-AND-ZAC. My name is called HANSON.

A train to childhood

Seeing your classmate 5 years after finishing school evokes indescribable feelings in you. Even though we met each other more than once since then - practically every year at an annual alumni meeting at school - and kept in touch via mobile. But today it was something special. We talked about nothing as usual, and it was not proper talk – it was a chat, one of a kind that two girls are common to produce when they meet up burning with desire to get free from a huge pile of information. Sharing photos, videos and news on the lives of other classmates. Olya does not seem to change over the years, and I constantly used to catch myself at the thought that every time I looked at her I saw…myself – 5,6,7,10 years ago!.. Maths lesson in front of our teacher’s Dutch colleagues. Lyosha and I are standing at the blackboard explaining the solution of some problem, and the teacher praises us for being the most rational in solution team. I have nothing to do with this success, ‘coz it was Lyosha who had solved the problem. He has always been top mathematician of our class. And I’m just an assistant. But I like the idea of being praised in Maths, the lesson at which I’m no way a leader. Make others believe you are clever, and you are on half the way to Gold Medal :) A common strategy of ‘academic survival’ that now carries a proud scientific name of “PR”… A trip to Rostov in the 10th grade. We’re all together, “A” class and our “B”, me, Olya, Zhenya, Lyosha, Seryozha, everyone. Zhenya and I are trying on Russian folk costumes and look like true boyarynias. Kirill and Rodik are not behindhand in similarity. Rodik’s even handed in a balalaika to get his image finished… It’s the times of first real problems with the teaching staff and parents, first real alcohol parties in a nightclub, first skipping lectures, and first love… First poems to appear to express my inner state, mainly melancholic-sounding. HE will never come to know about my feelings due to a number of evident reasons… Those great plays we used to stage with Katya’s Mom – golden days of our drama team!.. Those Farewell Party songs of “Where does our childhood go?” (“Kuda uhodit detstvo?”) type did not give a slightest idea of how important was the moment of parting with school life forever. We were all so smiley, in our beautiful ball dresses with fantastic hair-dos on our heads… Maybe it’s just TODAY that I fully realized that childhood is gone. Finishing school to be followed by university entrance exams, then university life to come next, new discoveries and relations, crazy student parties and still more crazy travels. Childhood seemed to continue. And now nothing more is left.. Nor even student life. Would I like to return to school days? YES, YES! NO!.. So much has been gained afterwards that I now wonder if I ever understood life before I finished school. Then what should we do? Simple. See our classmates, ‘coz seeing classmates is a train to childhood.

Everything IS possible?

5 minutes ago Alice said to me over the phone, “Don’t be that pessimistic about life. Why wouldn’t you join me in putting on rose-colored glasses?” – “You think it can be possible?” – “Of course! Everything is possible!” Is it?? Arkady and Denis lost each other when they were moving back from San Francisco, and Arkady only knew the name of the city where Denis got. But they met up in the street when we were strolling in nightly Yaroslavl!.. And why am I so sure that Alice will find Ruben in Holland?..

How far can a hope-coming-true-to-life go? And what does it depend on – coincidence or steady forwarding towards your goal? And how can I know for sure that this is meant to happen to me, and not to somebody else? And this feeling, like I need to be in another place, in that place – is it fate or just a trick of my imagination? Ah how I want my brain to be used to more than the average 10 per cent! Then I could possibly get the answers that would make my direction more distinct. And now… am I right to choose this way? Who knows…

A hole in the fence

Nothing’s ever done without consequences to follow, although you might not wish it at all. Simple example. I have run into an awful debt on my second mobile account which I use when I go abroad. I was not going to pay that debt, because it would be pretty easier just to buy another sim-card. So I was happily living until yesterday’s call from Katya: “Hey, is it your number xxxxx?” – “Yes.” – “You know that you owe 620 rubles /a little more than 20 baks/?” – “Yes. And whazzup?” – “Your sim-card is registered on me, and they started drawing the money out of my mobile account! So that now my mobile doesn’t function, ‘coz they have drawn out all the money!!!” I had to pay off the debt, no matter how strongly I disliked the idea. And got a reproof from Mom for my ‘unwarranted light-mindedness’… What I’m thinking now is that you may build the most inaccessible fence to hide the truth, but someday a hole will happen to appear where you will not expect it, and the truth will anyway come to light. But this time it will bring much more destruction that it could have, before you built the fence. Then why hiding the truth? Why not admitting your guilt and trying to correct the mistake straight away? Why not being honest?

Poems in Russian

To put a logical end to the set of poems/songs posted today I can’t exclude something done in Russian. Here are three of my recent poems.

***
Словно вдруг диск Земли открутился назад,
Временная завеса упала,
Дождь затих, а снаружи опять снегопад,
Сея хлопья над крышею зала.
И стою, как во сне, позабыв обо всем,
Замерев от колесного стука,
Словно вдруг из Метро выйдет он на перрон,
Как всегда не роняя ни звука.
Но проходят мгновенья, и калейдоскоп
Разных судеб и лиц заполняет
Эту призрачно-дымную залу Метро,
Где его я уже не узнаю.
Вновь неистовый вихрь незаконченных дел
И текущих событий закружит,
Меж теплом моих грез оформляя раздел
И безмолвной реальности стужей.
Мне осталось топтать боль в душе и печаль,
И, как изгнанный стаей на годы
Волк, что с грустью взирает в туманную даль,
Все смотреть в пустоту перехода.

***
Что правит чувством –
Марка? Деньги? Престиж? Или позыв природы?
И как назвать любовь искусством,
Когда она в плену у моды?

Где место сердцу –
В ржавой банке? На дне подвала среди смрада?
Сверкнувшую на долю терций
Любовь корысть поглотит жадно.

Жизнь без ответа,
В вечной фальши, а душу жжет гламур-отрава.
И как найти нам выход к свету,
Когда сердца в сетях PRа?

***
Почему я вновь открыла ящик,
Где хранятся все твои стихи?
Ведь средь блеска жизни настоящей
Прошлого померкли огоньки.

Почему я вновь смотрю на фото,
Где детьми мы кормим верблюжат?
Жизнь тогда казалась беззаботной.
Жаль, что нет для нас пути назад.

Почему я в мыслях возвращаюсь
Вновь и вновь в ту ссору во дворе,
И слова мои: «Я не раскаюсь!» -
Не дают никак покоя мне?

Почему тебя я вспоминаю?
Может, это просто потому,
Что хотя с тобой давно другая,
Я тебя по-прежнему люблю?..

German quatrains

It was the last semester at uni. German class. Or rather 2 German classes following each other. Brains started to roll up already closer to the end of the 1st class. Victoria Vladimirovna was desperately trying to teach us to use Partizip II, but we were absolutely learning-disabled. We were entreating to let us go home, but she was steadfast as usual. She spread the copies with some statements about environmental protection and made us comment upon those statements. It was real torture, ‘coz none of us is ever able to make a huge serious comment in German without making a 1,2,3..hundred mistakes. She starts to correct them, and insists that you should repeat the comment without mistakes, then she wants to ask you a question on your comment, and you answer it with another 1,2,3..hundred mistakes, she starts to correct them etc. The average comment takes at least 15 min. And before you’re allowed to comment upon the next statement you need to listen to the comments of your groupmates, i.e. another 9 15-min long answers… I was the first to comment, and during the next hour I did not know what to do and how to entertain myself. I even started composing short primitive poems in German in the form of a comment upon the next 5 statements. They may sound too silly and lack proper rhythm, but it’s just what I created in my poor German during that hour of waiting. Just take it as a joke :)

***
Das Wissen prüft
Wir brauchen Luft
Alle Fabriken sollen Luftfilter benutzen
Und wir alle müssen unsere Umwelt schützen

***
Um leben zu können, muss der Mensch die Umwelt bewahren
Die Leute sollten nicht soviel Auto fahren
Wir brauchen Luft mehr als tägliches Brot
Keine Abgase! Keine Luftverschmutzung! Leben oder Tod!

***
Man muss den Treibhauseffekt nicht zulassen
Dafür sollen wir überall in unserem Leben besser aufpassen
Der Treibhauseffekt führt zur Erwärmung, das ist die Erhöhung der Temperatur
Und das bringt Zerstörung und beeinflüsst sehr schlecht die Natur

***
Die Regierung muss die Propaganda auf die Massen einstellen,
Die Städte unseres Landes mit dem Müll nicht überzuquellen
Niemand will den ganzen Tag im Müll leben
Keinen Müll zu werfen, muss man sein Wort geben

***
Wir haben heute komplizierte ökologische Situation
Aber es gibt “Greenpeace”, eine Umweltschutzorganisation
Ihre Mitglieder werden für Weldverbesserung eintreten
Und natürlich werden diese Aktionen die Natur retten

P.S German guys, sorry for the mistakes you will find in these lines, I’m no way a good German speaker :)