Today we were drinking coffee in Natasha’s room while our bosses were out at a meeting. And I forgot the cup at her table. She brought it to me with the words, “Ah, there’s a heart there, see?” The coffee grounds have clearly formed a heart at the bottom of the cup. Mmm… :) Is it a good sign telling me of a new romance awaiting in the near future? Let us hope… :)
"I don't want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need... 'Cause I just want you here tonight holding on to me so tight. What more can I do. Baby, all I want for Christmas is You..."
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
In the evening (as promised)
OK, so I’m home. 10:12 p.m. Not a record though; there were times when I used to leave the office after midnight and come home at around 1 a.m. The head is not aching that badly thanks to Citramon which I borrowed from Nastya before starting for home.
Today evening when writing a leave application, the HR head and I discovered that I haven’t yet even taken my vacations for the year 2007! To say nothing about 2008!!! It was a shock for us and a bomb for my boss :) Elena fell into a trance :) You should have seen the face with which she signed my vacation application from 26th Dec to 18th Jan :))) Now after that in 2009 I still have 4 days from 2007, 3 weeks from 2008 and 4 weeks for 2009 :))) Yesterday she told me, “I’m Terminator, I don’t take a rest”. Now she changed her mind – I’m a much bigger monster in terms of taking vacation then she or Max :)))
Spent a nice evening with the Polyglots yesterday. Generally I don’t have a chance to join their weekly Thu meetings ’coz of my Spanish class which is exactly on the same day and at the same time. But fall trimester has finally come to an end, and I could come to see the guys.
It was a laugh! Especially when Alberto started talking Russian. “Pochemu ti hahahala?” (in Eng that would sound something like “Why were you hahahaing?” which was actually “Why were you laughing?”). “Ti uhodish? Ti Stalin?” (“You’re leaving? You’re Stalin?”) It took the three of us – Natasha, Anya and me – quite some time to guess that “stalin” to him sounds the same with “ustali” which means “tired” LOL
Got acquainted with Anya finally. Had a curious discussion about one our common acquaintance from France. A very curious one :)
Actually it was planned as a Spanish week, but not a single Spanish-speaker came to the meeting to present the language, and all we had to do was playing games to guess the words the letters in which had intentionally been mixed. And talking other languages. Funny Russian for instance :)
Tista was writing Russian names in Hindi and Bengali. But I already have my name written in Hindi or Marathi (not sure) from Mahesh who sent to me long back.
When going home from the meeting, in a mini bus there was a totally mad person whom we all first took simply for an alcoholic, but in fact he was not drunk, he just was mad. He was talking non-stop about all sorts of odd stuff mixing politics, music, countries and extra-terrestrials. But what was curious about all that – he was linking absolutely illogical things in such a logical way that each next idea of his could be somehow connected with the previous one, even though they were about totally different notions. I was listening to him attentively admiring this wonderful capability. Besides, some of his phrases may be quoted even. Like, when he was addressing us, but of course nobody answered, everybody pretended not to hear, he said, “Hey you act as if you were in space. Though you haven’t paid 20 mio bucks for that! Now you owe me 20 mio!” GREAT, is it not? :)
That’s all news guess for now. I’m putting a full stop here and switching off to read a new Glukhovsky’s book.
Kisses
Today evening when writing a leave application, the HR head and I discovered that I haven’t yet even taken my vacations for the year 2007! To say nothing about 2008!!! It was a shock for us and a bomb for my boss :) Elena fell into a trance :) You should have seen the face with which she signed my vacation application from 26th Dec to 18th Jan :))) Now after that in 2009 I still have 4 days from 2007, 3 weeks from 2008 and 4 weeks for 2009 :))) Yesterday she told me, “I’m Terminator, I don’t take a rest”. Now she changed her mind – I’m a much bigger monster in terms of taking vacation then she or Max :)))
Spent a nice evening with the Polyglots yesterday. Generally I don’t have a chance to join their weekly Thu meetings ’coz of my Spanish class which is exactly on the same day and at the same time. But fall trimester has finally come to an end, and I could come to see the guys.
It was a laugh! Especially when Alberto started talking Russian. “Pochemu ti hahahala?” (in Eng that would sound something like “Why were you hahahaing?” which was actually “Why were you laughing?”). “Ti uhodish? Ti Stalin?” (“You’re leaving? You’re Stalin?”) It took the three of us – Natasha, Anya and me – quite some time to guess that “stalin” to him sounds the same with “ustali” which means “tired” LOL
Got acquainted with Anya finally. Had a curious discussion about one our common acquaintance from France. A very curious one :)
Actually it was planned as a Spanish week, but not a single Spanish-speaker came to the meeting to present the language, and all we had to do was playing games to guess the words the letters in which had intentionally been mixed. And talking other languages. Funny Russian for instance :)
Tista was writing Russian names in Hindi and Bengali. But I already have my name written in Hindi or Marathi (not sure) from Mahesh who sent to me long back.
When going home from the meeting, in a mini bus there was a totally mad person whom we all first took simply for an alcoholic, but in fact he was not drunk, he just was mad. He was talking non-stop about all sorts of odd stuff mixing politics, music, countries and extra-terrestrials. But what was curious about all that – he was linking absolutely illogical things in such a logical way that each next idea of his could be somehow connected with the previous one, even though they were about totally different notions. I was listening to him attentively admiring this wonderful capability. Besides, some of his phrases may be quoted even. Like, when he was addressing us, but of course nobody answered, everybody pretended not to hear, he said, “Hey you act as if you were in space. Though you haven’t paid 20 mio bucks for that! Now you owe me 20 mio!” GREAT, is it not? :)
That’s all news guess for now. I’m putting a full stop here and switching off to read a new Glukhovsky’s book.
Kisses
Song singing now
Katy Perry - Hot n Cold You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes...
'Coz you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
lalala
I was peacefully walking along the office corridor when Lyova showed up singing this song. Noooo!.. And now I can't get rid of it... / I surely thanked him heartily for the gift he has given to me... :)
You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes...
It's almost 8 p.m. now, and I'm still at work. There's practically nobody in the office except for a couple of people. Even our new management team has left for a New Year's party of the department of our parent company where they all used to work before coming here when Maxim was appointed CEO... I have an awful headache, but I need to stay at work due to coming too late to the office today (went to submit the docs for the visa in the morning)... Ah please somebody come take me hooooooome!..
Have just got a supportive message from Lera: "Hold on Ianko! Work is temporary. Your soul's eternal" :)))
I wanted to go to Dan's party tonight, but now all I dream of is my dear soft bed...
Will write more later from home... maybe.
Cheers!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Song singing now
Sharam & Daniel Bedingfield - The One
Is there any way that I could stay in your arms?..
Some kind of boy, some kind of girl
Some kind of song around the world...
If you're not the one, I don't know who is...
lalala
Guess it's stuck in my brain 'coz it was the last song I heard on the radio before I finally woke up in the morning... It's already 3 p.m. now, but I'm still singing it non-stop...
To Gabi and Mahesh
Got a mail with 26 pics from Mahesh yesterday. As well as a bunch of messages regarding some NASA announcement of 7 Moons of Venus to be visible that night which happens once in 7 mio years. And though after checking it up with Granny who is astronomer and learning that, first, it’s total bullshit and, second, that Venus has no satellites at all, I was touched by his care about me. I haven’t written to him anything decent for the last 8 months being busy with work, friends, my boyfriend, i.e. my real life, he still remembers and keeps on sending messages and mails. This message about the sky and Venus sounded quite romantic even :) “Thx for not forgetting me…” – “Only death can make me 4get u!”
I started feeling bad – I felt my guilt for not valuing the people who trully care about me, and need me in this or that way. Even the fact that we never met does not deny the invisible connective waves between the people around the globe. ‘Coz there’s a lot more in the world than what we know and what we think we know, or even what we don’t think.
I feel this strong connection (among the ones whom I’ve not met in person and whom I cannot call my ‘real’ friend yet) only with two people – Gabi and Mahesh. We were about to meet with Gabi this fall when he visited Spain. But his visit was so short that I didn’t even have enough time to apply for the visa to go and see him :( A good acquaintance of mine is going to South America again this winter with 2 friends of hers. I could go with them. Instead, I am applying for the Czech visa… When we broke off with George for the first time in summer, I was sitting in the train with Mom going to Moscow from Yaroslavl and I was so decided about taking vacations and going to Montevideo in the near future. But Gabi went to Spain; I returned to my boyfriend and stayed in Moscow…
What was the initial thought? :) Yeah we should value those who care about us, instead of wasting our time and efforts with those who simply ‘take us for granted’ as Beyonce sings in her last hit which I play every evening nowadays. This idea is as old as the world, I know :) But I want to repeat it again and again, and again – GUYS I LOVE YOU, I ADORE YOU BOTH!!! THANKS FOR ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE BEEN WITH ME!!! FOR ALL THE SMILES YOU’VE GIVEN ME THROUGH THE YEARS!!! I VALUE OUR FRIENDSHIP!!! THANK YOU, DANKE, MERCI, GRAZIE, GRACIAS, SHUKRIYA, СПАСИБО!!! :)))
I started feeling bad – I felt my guilt for not valuing the people who trully care about me, and need me in this or that way. Even the fact that we never met does not deny the invisible connective waves between the people around the globe. ‘Coz there’s a lot more in the world than what we know and what we think we know, or even what we don’t think.
I feel this strong connection (among the ones whom I’ve not met in person and whom I cannot call my ‘real’ friend yet) only with two people – Gabi and Mahesh. We were about to meet with Gabi this fall when he visited Spain. But his visit was so short that I didn’t even have enough time to apply for the visa to go and see him :( A good acquaintance of mine is going to South America again this winter with 2 friends of hers. I could go with them. Instead, I am applying for the Czech visa… When we broke off with George for the first time in summer, I was sitting in the train with Mom going to Moscow from Yaroslavl and I was so decided about taking vacations and going to Montevideo in the near future. But Gabi went to Spain; I returned to my boyfriend and stayed in Moscow…
What was the initial thought? :) Yeah we should value those who care about us, instead of wasting our time and efforts with those who simply ‘take us for granted’ as Beyonce sings in her last hit which I play every evening nowadays. This idea is as old as the world, I know :) But I want to repeat it again and again, and again – GUYS I LOVE YOU, I ADORE YOU BOTH!!! THANKS FOR ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE BEEN WITH ME!!! FOR ALL THE SMILES YOU’VE GIVEN ME THROUGH THE YEARS!!! I VALUE OUR FRIENDSHIP!!! THANK YOU, DANKE, MERCI, GRAZIE, GRACIAS, SHUKRIYA, СПАСИБО!!! :)))
Monday, December 8, 2008
Nowhere plans
Yesterday I read the book “Twilight” by Stephenie Meyer. I was reading it during my whole train journey back to Moscow in one breath, paying no attention to what was happening around – so deeply sank I into the book. The book is pure entertainment, but what a beautiful Love it depicts! It amazed me, astonished me - depressed me… I envy Bella, the heroine, so much! She has found her Love, great Love – Love that wipes off all the prejudices and breaks all the bars, Love that opens the doors between the two incompatible worlds – fire and ice, civilization and wildness, life and death. And even though it makes her walk on the tight rope, hurts her and makes her cry at times, she has no fear – she resolutely marches ahead, to horror, to his scary savage world, to him… And Love that Ed and Bella are covered with, is their reward, their recompense for all the sacrifices they do for each other.
Does such a Love exist in real life? Where is it? I long for it, I need it, I beg for it! Is there anywhere in the world the One who’s meant for me; the One who will one day tell me, “You are the most important thing to me now; the most important thing to me ever!”; the One who will take me by the hand and will never let it out; the One who will always be with me as a shelter, as a world for me to live in, as the Sun and the Moon, the Water and the Skies; the One who will be my Life, the One whom I’ll breathe… I need him NOW! I am dying slowly without him. I’m dying! I already love him; I am ready to give up all for him. But he doesn’t come. Does he exist? Does Love exist at all??
It took Ed about a hundred years to find Bella. It scares me. I am not immortal… And where’s the guarantee that I’ll find my match in my Time? No guarantee – just an everlasting Hope in God’s generosity. But do I deserve it?..
I have tons of unspent love and tenderness inside me. But the days go by, and still I don’t find that One to whom I’ll give my all, and more than that, much more than that!
“Maybe someday…” I’m tired of saying “someday”. I get on the trolley to go home through the nightly Moscow, lean my head to the window, and look – into nowhere… I always remember the video of Glyuk’OZA then where she’s singing, “Moscow does not believe the tears…” Who does?
“He’s a real nowhere man
Sitting in his nowhere land
Making all his nowhere plans for nobody…”
Making all my nowhere plans for nobody…
Does such a Love exist in real life? Where is it? I long for it, I need it, I beg for it! Is there anywhere in the world the One who’s meant for me; the One who will one day tell me, “You are the most important thing to me now; the most important thing to me ever!”; the One who will take me by the hand and will never let it out; the One who will always be with me as a shelter, as a world for me to live in, as the Sun and the Moon, the Water and the Skies; the One who will be my Life, the One whom I’ll breathe… I need him NOW! I am dying slowly without him. I’m dying! I already love him; I am ready to give up all for him. But he doesn’t come. Does he exist? Does Love exist at all??
It took Ed about a hundred years to find Bella. It scares me. I am not immortal… And where’s the guarantee that I’ll find my match in my Time? No guarantee – just an everlasting Hope in God’s generosity. But do I deserve it?..
I have tons of unspent love and tenderness inside me. But the days go by, and still I don’t find that One to whom I’ll give my all, and more than that, much more than that!
“Maybe someday…” I’m tired of saying “someday”. I get on the trolley to go home through the nightly Moscow, lean my head to the window, and look – into nowhere… I always remember the video of Glyuk’OZA then where she’s singing, “Moscow does not believe the tears…” Who does?
“He’s a real nowhere man
Sitting in his nowhere land
Making all his nowhere plans for nobody…”
Making all my nowhere plans for nobody…
Weekend
It was my last visit to hometown this year. On Friday I was about to miss the train as usual, if it were not for Natasha who came up to me asking, “You still here? When is your train?” I looked at my watch: 6:19 p.m. The train is 7:05. Shit!.. Thank God I had a light bag with me, which enabled me to run fast. In the carriage a boy slumped into the seat in front of me. And looked strangely. No, he actually looked normally, but strangely in the fact that he gave me a look as if we were acquainted and as if he were waiting for my reaction. But I was tired to guess who he was even if we were acquainted (which is quite possible, speaking by how people tell my friends they know me and describe me in all the details – while I don’t remember them at all!). I closed my eyes and dropped off to sleep.
When sleeping I heard some more guys occupied the nearby seats talking to each other. In an hour I woke up, and immediately heard, “Yana!” somewhere from the right. There was Yura sitting, an acquaintance of mine, whom I got to know through my classmate and friend Misha about a year ago. We never met since then, but used to exchange messages on Vkontakte (Russian Facebook) from time to time. After seeing Yura, I immediately remembered the first guy who stared at me in the very beginning of the journey – his name was Lyonya, and I met him at the same party where I got to know Yura. They were traveling in a company of 3 – the third guy, Alexander, I did not meet him before, but he used to date one of my classmates (as I learnt from Yura in the train) and knew a bunch of other my acquaintances. There was a lot to talk and share with them since we went to the same school which they had finished 6 years before me. Of course I could not remember them at school because I was a 5th form baby when they left school, but the pupils change faster than school teachers and traditions :)
On Saturday I met with my girls quite spontaneously. I did not intend to meet any of my friends, I even didn’t tell anybody about my visit, because I had to do a lot of shopping and then Granny came to see me. But at 9 p.m. I was absolutely free and quite spontaneously messaged Ox on ICQ: “Hey Giffie, are you at home? Call me”. She was shocked :) And after a 30-min phone chat we spontaneously decided to go for a walk :) She has just quarreled with her bf, I have just broken off with mine – we had a lot to discuss, even though we met 2 weeks ago at her BDay. We had a brilliant walk! One of those which we used to have when I lived in Yaroslavl and we often wandered around the city centre or sat in a coffee place and shared our dreams, thoughts, our poems and songs… Those great days… When I did not spend my life in the stuffy office working for those who will unlikely value what I am doing. When I did not rent this messy old apartment in a shabby building. When I could devote a lot of myself to creative work and friends. The best ever time devotion :) I miss those days… But we have to go on. And we need to.
We discovered that we both want a tattoo with giraffe (other options were not even discussed heh)! If she comes here next weekend we will try to find something in Moscow to know the prices. I can’t explain how important this fact is for me. It is a symbol of our friendship, unity, way of life – everything! When last week I was feeling sad and told her, “Mm… I don’t know… Maybe because I’m afraid to be left alone”, she said, “Why alone? You have me and Raccoon. We will always be together”. I know. And I value. More than anything in this world I value my friendship with Giffie, Raccoon, Vlada, Polina, and Lyuba! I am the happiest person on the Earth to have friends who support me so much!
Later on Raccoon and Anya joined us. They were in a night club, but having learnt that I’m here, Raccoon decided to come. Thanks Alice! :) I haven’t seen Anya since the time we graduated. She’s now doing PG and lectures at our university. Got some news from her: one girl got married (my ex very good friend), one – reported missing…
Didn’t want to leave as usual. But I had to. Another working week. Another struggle with loneliness in a Big City. Another turn of a wheel of Life.
When sleeping I heard some more guys occupied the nearby seats talking to each other. In an hour I woke up, and immediately heard, “Yana!” somewhere from the right. There was Yura sitting, an acquaintance of mine, whom I got to know through my classmate and friend Misha about a year ago. We never met since then, but used to exchange messages on Vkontakte (Russian Facebook) from time to time. After seeing Yura, I immediately remembered the first guy who stared at me in the very beginning of the journey – his name was Lyonya, and I met him at the same party where I got to know Yura. They were traveling in a company of 3 – the third guy, Alexander, I did not meet him before, but he used to date one of my classmates (as I learnt from Yura in the train) and knew a bunch of other my acquaintances. There was a lot to talk and share with them since we went to the same school which they had finished 6 years before me. Of course I could not remember them at school because I was a 5th form baby when they left school, but the pupils change faster than school teachers and traditions :)
On Saturday I met with my girls quite spontaneously. I did not intend to meet any of my friends, I even didn’t tell anybody about my visit, because I had to do a lot of shopping and then Granny came to see me. But at 9 p.m. I was absolutely free and quite spontaneously messaged Ox on ICQ: “Hey Giffie, are you at home? Call me”. She was shocked :) And after a 30-min phone chat we spontaneously decided to go for a walk :) She has just quarreled with her bf, I have just broken off with mine – we had a lot to discuss, even though we met 2 weeks ago at her BDay. We had a brilliant walk! One of those which we used to have when I lived in Yaroslavl and we often wandered around the city centre or sat in a coffee place and shared our dreams, thoughts, our poems and songs… Those great days… When I did not spend my life in the stuffy office working for those who will unlikely value what I am doing. When I did not rent this messy old apartment in a shabby building. When I could devote a lot of myself to creative work and friends. The best ever time devotion :) I miss those days… But we have to go on. And we need to.
We discovered that we both want a tattoo with giraffe (other options were not even discussed heh)! If she comes here next weekend we will try to find something in Moscow to know the prices. I can’t explain how important this fact is for me. It is a symbol of our friendship, unity, way of life – everything! When last week I was feeling sad and told her, “Mm… I don’t know… Maybe because I’m afraid to be left alone”, she said, “Why alone? You have me and Raccoon. We will always be together”. I know. And I value. More than anything in this world I value my friendship with Giffie, Raccoon, Vlada, Polina, and Lyuba! I am the happiest person on the Earth to have friends who support me so much!
Later on Raccoon and Anya joined us. They were in a night club, but having learnt that I’m here, Raccoon decided to come. Thanks Alice! :) I haven’t seen Anya since the time we graduated. She’s now doing PG and lectures at our university. Got some news from her: one girl got married (my ex very good friend), one – reported missing…
Didn’t want to leave as usual. But I had to. Another working week. Another struggle with loneliness in a Big City. Another turn of a wheel of Life.
Friday, December 5, 2008
For the first time in so many months
Today morning I did something important. I stopped lying to myself. For the first time in so many months I stopped being afraid of losing the comfortable (‘coz I got used to it), but faked reality. I know the reasons why I did not put it to an end before – I feared. To be different from the mass around, to be an object of laughter. When the Heavens gave me tons and tons of signals to stop this self-delusion. While I was digging in myself deeper and deeper with each new prompt. It is my complex. Off with the complexes! For the first time in so many months.
Today morning I woke up renewed. I rose from the bed, switched on the laptop – and started typing. And the further I typed to him the more relief I was feeling. For the first time in so many months I am having absolute piece inside, when there’s nothing more to fight with, nothing more to fear to know about myself. ‘Coz today morning was the first time in so many months when I told the truth to myself. And I found relief. Finally. For the first time in so many months!
Since today morning I am not afraid of staying alone. For the first time in so many months I feel that I’ve got freedom from something that has been keeping me aloof from the world. When keeping pace with the life is so much important for me.
And I don’t feel the way I did in summer when we broke off ‘coz then I was not ready to admit this one so simple truth – I D-O-N’T L-O-V-E H-I-M! Well of course I do! But as a friend - more than a friend! Not as a man…
He will be happy. In his way. I will be. In my way. Each of us will choose his path. They are too different to be aligned. But you have to knock at so many doors and peep round so many corners to finally find what is meant for you, find someone who is your true match. And we have to make choices. To choose one thing and lose the other. I’ve made my choice today morning, for the first time in so many months.
Life is Sliding Doors all the time
Life is Crossroads we fall upon
Choose the Sun, and the Moon won’t shine
Choose the straight road, and you won’t turn
Choose Tomorrow, and you’ll lose Today
Choose the Skies, and you’ll lose this world
Nothing wastes love more than staying the same
It’s a go! And I speak, I speak farewell words…
I speak farewell words…
I speak farewell words!
PS I’m always with you wherever you are; I’m your good friend forever :)
Today morning I woke up renewed. I rose from the bed, switched on the laptop – and started typing. And the further I typed to him the more relief I was feeling. For the first time in so many months I am having absolute piece inside, when there’s nothing more to fight with, nothing more to fear to know about myself. ‘Coz today morning was the first time in so many months when I told the truth to myself. And I found relief. Finally. For the first time in so many months!
Since today morning I am not afraid of staying alone. For the first time in so many months I feel that I’ve got freedom from something that has been keeping me aloof from the world. When keeping pace with the life is so much important for me.
And I don’t feel the way I did in summer when we broke off ‘coz then I was not ready to admit this one so simple truth – I D-O-N’T L-O-V-E H-I-M! Well of course I do! But as a friend - more than a friend! Not as a man…
He will be happy. In his way. I will be. In my way. Each of us will choose his path. They are too different to be aligned. But you have to knock at so many doors and peep round so many corners to finally find what is meant for you, find someone who is your true match. And we have to make choices. To choose one thing and lose the other. I’ve made my choice today morning, for the first time in so many months.
Life is Sliding Doors all the time
Life is Crossroads we fall upon
Choose the Sun, and the Moon won’t shine
Choose the straight road, and you won’t turn
Choose Tomorrow, and you’ll lose Today
Choose the Skies, and you’ll lose this world
Nothing wastes love more than staying the same
It’s a go! And I speak, I speak farewell words…
I speak farewell words…
I speak farewell words!
PS I’m always with you wherever you are; I’m your good friend forever :)
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