How do we fall in love?

I remember when I was a schoolgirl and everyone was in love with somebody – except me - I wanted that ardently! “Why can’t I fall in love? What’s wrong with me?” This was the very thing I was thinking about when I bumped into that guy in the corridor. I knew something about him because a friend of mine was once hopelessly in love with that guy, but he was never interesting to me except for that. On that day I fastened my eyes on him and noticed he was cute. “Then maybe he?” This is how it all started, my unrequited love of 3 years for a guy who never knew about my feelings. The feelings faded away with the course of time after I could no longer see him on a day-to-day basis.

Now, looking back on those days I realize it was not love (though of course it was my “first love”). It arose from my desperate wish to fall for somebody which I totally succeeded in.

Falling in love for the sake of falling in love doesn’t work.

When being a freshman (freshgirl *lol*) I met this sophomore guy, head of Student Union of our faculty. Freshman group monitors were asked to gather for instructions at the long break. And there he came in his favourite brown suede jacket. I liked him so much immediately that my knees failed me. I kept on liking this guy for almost a year. We talked to each other from time to time and I guess we could have got cozy (at least have a number of dates resulting in sex), but I knew he would never look at me the way I wanted him to. I would be just another girl around him. Besides as time went by I realized he was too light-minded and primitive, even silly, and my interest in him perished.

Falling in love with the appearance doesn’t work.

When all of a sudden another man walked into my life - as a triumphant despite his young age for such a success, he stunned me. It stunned me. I see it clearly now that I was liking him for his achievements, for his status. Very often I was catching myself at the thought that I would like us to appear on some party together or sit in a bar or a restaurant, but in my dreams there was always someone else to notice us, discuss us with the others and maybe even envy us (me). I never imagined us being just together. I believe this is why I fell out of love so quickly, after 3-4 unpleasant situations, having got totally disappointed with him as a human being.

Falling in love because of something other than good looks doesn’t work.

I try to recollect what I felt exactly every time I fell in love anew. What did I feel then? What do you feel when you fall in love?

Last time it happened, more than a year ago, it was neither ‘my own kick’ nor a sudden ‘hit’, it was something different. I was acquainted to this guy for about a month by that time, we didn’t talk much and I knew very little about him. Once I was in a canteen with friends, we were having lunch, laughing and gossiping about somebody or something – as usual; he was on his way to the table to lunch with his friends. And when he was in the process of sitting down on the chair he noticed me. It’s funny; this scene which lasted a couple of seconds is still one of the brightest moments I’ve ever experienced in my life. His eyes got fixed to mine and he stood still half-bent ‘coz he was intending to occupy the chair, with the tray in his arms. Finally he recovered, joined his friends, but I was constantly catching his look. This was the first time our eyes met, and at this moment I felt that everything is different now, my whole life changed somehow, all of a sudden, but irreversibly, and unbelievable joy and tenderness filled my heart.

A lot has happened since that day. A lot has changed. He got married to his longtime girlfriend, became father of a baby girl, I got to know him better, well enough to know his nasty temper. We had a number of quarrels which resulted in not talking to each other for a long time. Still there has always been an invisible string between us. It’s like talking to each other without talking at all. And something else which I cannot explain. It hurt – then. Now it doesn’t. I seem to have got accustomed to live with it. I meet with other men, I know many of them like me, I spend a lot of time with my friends, I’m not lonely. Those friends of mine who know him think he’s a complete sh*t and I can understand them :) Did it change my opinion about him? Certainly, it did! Did I get disappointed with him as a man? Certainly, I did! Did it change my feelings? No! It’s not like having feelings for a person because how one can’t have feelings for him when he is so handsome or so decent. It’s having feelings for him as a person the way he is, having feelings for him despite of all his vices (and he is full on them believe me!). It’s only now that I realize the meaning behind a famous quote: “One loves not because of, but despite of something”.

I’ve recently read a funny Taurus horoscope and found a brilliant phrase there: “Taurus is characterized by unbelievable loyalty to people sh*t, this is why he is often unhappy in love” :)))

Just falling in love doesn’t work either!

Or maybe it does, and it is my problem that I want too much from it for myself. Someone wise once said, “We all want a love that we don’t deserve”.

How should one improve to deserve at least a tiny bit more mutual feeling?

I wish I knew it…

Simple

A simple phrase found on some website accidentally, totally shook my world today.

'NEVER LEAVE THE ONES YOU LOVE FOR THE ONES YOU LIKE...'

So simple and demarcating. That is why it happens the way it does. That is why I am where I am. I would do the same, exactly the same, and I understand him and respect him more than ever before.

The insidious 'if' attempted to mess it all up, but I'm happy it failed - COMPLETELY! If we met earlier... Crap! There's no Subjunctive Mood in history.

I'm just to stand these holidays, the wedding...

Curtain falls. T-H-E E-N-D.

A Question

Where is the border line between distaste and sympathy?

Like, say, there is a person who irritates you because he is so so so waaaays better than you in something, or in everything. And you start seeing evil intentions in his every look and gesture. To convince yourself that your irritation is caused not by your envy (which is in fact the worst reflection of your admiration for a person), but by his ill nature. And you promise to yourself not to converse with him until the end of your days. But each new day brings you more proofs he is far from what you think he is, in fact quite the contrary. And you have to cross out more and more points in the list of his “bad qualities”. Until there’s not a single one left. And what do you do now? You’re at a loss. You lose. To yourself. And to him, in a way.

And when suddenly in the canteen you catch his look from where he is sitting - you lose appetite… But you’ve got to be firm in your decision not to be friends with him because of your stupid stubbornness. And you turn to your friends pretending you’re sooo into what they are telling you, and forbid yourself to glance back at him…

So then, maybe it was not distaste, but sympathy from the very start?

No. NO!!!

No?..

“I’ll never be nobody’s wife. It’s too bad, but hey, that’s me…”

We all are looking for something. The challenge is to guess what we are looking for, and guess right.

I had a friend from abroad. We got acquainted about a year ago when he visited Moscow and stayed at my place. We spent a great weekend together when he, I, and a bunch of my friends were walking entire day around Moscow ending it up in my favourite restaurant “Pancho Villa” to the sounds of Latino. When he returned home, we kept in touch, but it was … weird communication. He offered to meet some day again in St. Pete, and asked my opinion. I agreed. He asked what my boyfriend would think about it (it were still the times when I dated George) which was a totally strange question for me, since he was my friend and I could meet my friends without George’s permission. But what was funnier, he asked about the possible dates… next summer (and it was June 2008!). It made me smile, for how can one know his plans one year in advance! And he kept on asking one and the same question over and over again until he started irritating me with his prolixity. Finally I stopped answering. When George and I broke up for the first time in summer I met him on MSN, and we had a long friendly talk about it. He advised me on something. But then we got together again. And broke up forever less than half a year after that. Before going to Berlin Winter Camp I sent him a message asking about his plans for the New Year’s and if he wanted to come to Berlin as well. Instead, he sent me a hysterical mail why the hell I don’t answer him for months, and then simply send a message inviting him to Berlin. It was strange for me, since we were not close friends with whom I keep in touch almost on a daily basis, and I did not promise anything to him. When I returned from Europe we exchanged a couple of nasty mails. He claimed me not to be honest with him (!) because I was single from George, then again not, then single again… And the truth was not told to him… Should it be? (But it was the truth; it really went that way with George and I). There were moments when I thought he was mad. Finally we froze communication and removed each other from friends.

And I have already forgotten about it when last weekend at a party I bumped into an old acquaintance of mine who also knows this boy. He asked for 15 min. And told me that boy had always been in love with me – and I never knew it, he never told me, never hinted on it, I couldn’t even imagine that! – and now when we do not keep in touch he doesn’t know what to do, he’s bad… And for me he’s just a friend, just a nice chap to see from time to time… It’s a shame, but when that boy from the party mentioned his name, it took me about 10 min to understand who he was talking about, to remember…

There are two other friends of mine whom I don’t want to lose, and who are important for me. And I know they feel something, I read it in their eyes. But they know they’re just friends. And hopefully they will not risk our friendship. Otherwise I would lose them, and it’s the last thing on Earth I want!

I remember once one of them and I were on an escalator in the Metro talking about girls (he’s single, but is prospecting for a girlfriend). I said, “You meet up with different girls for so long, and still can’t find anybody to satisfy you. Do you know yourself what kind of girl you need?” And he answered, “A girl like you…” I offered to get him acquainted with one of my close friends, he agreed. We’ve been playing this game for months, but what do I do! I need him… as a friend! A close friend of mine! Am I selfish? But he himself never brings the conversation to the end, showing he takes up the rules I set. I don’t feel good about it, but I don’t wanna lose him.

And all these flash encounters I don’t want to move to some other level… SMS offers like, “I’ve seen your cell number on Hospitality, and would like to get acquainted with you if you don’t mind…” I don’t even have curiosity! I just want them all to leave me alone. But they keep on calling; keep on sending cell messages; keep on offering…

I’m tired. All these boys around – and none at the same time. Not a single person to touch my heart. Even George, we were together for a year and a half, and I never loved him. I have moved to another city when we met, and I probably just needed someone to help me get settled… Then I got accustomed to him, and our relations turned into a habit. That was it. Never love. Never passion.

I feel I need someone. But whom – I don’t know. Will I ever know it?

Reflections on the year that passed...

I’m back to Moscow from vacations. The New Year 2009 has already started. But I still feel kinda incomplete inside unless I give out my reflections on the previous year. What it changed in my life, and how…

It started at Natasha Bayurova’s house when me, Lyuba, George, Des and 2 friends of his crashed in 2 min before midnight with a bottle of Champagne shouting, ‘Aaaah, are we still on time?!’ There’s a common saying in Russia, ‘You’re gonna pass the whole year the way you celebrated its coming’. Messy celebration… messy year… It was the first time I saw that George’s not that madly in love with me than I had been thinking. He did not miss a single girl at the party, having practically forgotten about me – dancing with each and every female creature… Later on there was this story with a girl from Petrozavodsk (eh, forgot her name)… Then Nastya (this name I will never forget!) Then… but it doesn’t matter, since it’s all over for me now…

Lyuba is in America now working as bartender and surfing ‘New Yawk’ couches :) George gave up everything – studying, working, moved to his best friend Vanya and is enjoying the life to the best he can. Des has spoken to me only once since that party, for me to help out with accommodation for him and his 20 friends somehow. He is not a party bird, and has been probably shocked by all that mess (taking in view how quickly he and his friends escaped from the ‘bash’), and decided to keep aside from me and my crazy world :) Pity. But he’s not the first and not the last one since people have a tendency to come and go. "You have so many relationships in this life. But only one or two will last..."

It was a very hard and tense year – mentally. But at the same time the most fruitful one for me ever, in terms of my understanding of life and my soul.

The year of constantly being overwhelmed at work and putting all my efforts for the future of the company and the happiness of the people who take you for granted and do not care a damn about the way of talking to their subordinates. The year by the end of which I made it clear to myself that whatever sympathy you have towards your colleagues or whatever loyalty to the company you carry in your heart you should never place anything above your personal dignity. Nobody will consider your opinion until you firmly put it. And none of your bosses, and nobody at all’s gonna play a “Cinderella’s godmother” for you. Unfortunately. I will never forget the words my ex-boss told me as a piece of advice for future, “Don’t like the company – like the job!” I tried going along the first road due to my character of being faithful to the team you work with, and my desperate hope that they value me, at least a bit. And they do, but only in the scales of their own interest…They are smarter. But I am much younger :) Silly excuse, but it helps me not to blame myself for being too shy in expressing my own demands. Still, I don’t regret doing what I was doing over the last year. Helping the people, sometimes staying in the office until midnight and even longer, doing the tasks I was not supposed to just because I felt responsibility for ‘our common business’ (guess this is a reflection of communism times, since anyway I was born in the Soviet Union :)) I regret them treating the people like that. All of our juniors, and even seniors. And I pity them since it’s their problem. People come and go, you’re your inner vices remain with you until you have a courage to accept your being wrong and consider it for improvement. Sounds quite pompous. I didn’t want that… What I lack is some impudence. Who can contribute a bit to me? I’ll return your favour with interest ;)

This was also the year of still bigger problems in private life. Constant fights and rows with George, our inability to hear each other and adapt to each other’s way of life and thinking. I was trying hardly, but whatever I suggested or did was immediately rejected by him. I still remember how I once suggested something to fill in our weekend, and got an answer that the idea’s good, but he hates me, since it was me to develop this idea, not him. Of course we did not do it, because he was not in a good mood for that. I still don’t see what was wrong in my offering something to him… But it does not matter now :) Then I found his love messages to some other girl. But forgave it. Then he nearly broke off with me because of a short hook-up with Nastya. I again forgave it. Even after he completely cheated on me with her for more than a week while I was on holidays with my Granny, after all that f*cking June when I could not go to work for several days because I was having a stress and all those Nastya’s calls and messages to me to make me feel still worse… I again forgave him... Probably to elaborate. To let the passions fade away inside my heart, to let me grow strong. To put an end. But we both did it simultaneously, at one and the same time at the beginning of December. So peacefully that even remained good acquaintances. Sometimes his stupid childish mind irritates me, but overall I find him a good lad – completely lost in life, but good lad.

The story with George helped me to reveal three important truths to me that I did not see that much clear before. First is that I have fantastic friends! Only thanks to them I recovered so quickly. In all that second half of June seen vague to me because I was not myself, I hear only three phrases of three of my friends: Lena’s “Yana, everything we have on our way is our lessons. Our souls get experience through it. Even when it hurts you, say thanks”; Polina’s “Of course I do suggest that you should at least take a break if not letting him go. But you have to come to it yourself, somehow, and not now”; and Lera’s message to me, the first one to make me smile, typed as a respond to my question “Did you get home safely?” – “No, we’ve been taken hostages by terrorists and are going to Iran now ;] Wanna me to bring you a souvenir from there?” :))) This I learnt fast and well – I should value my irreplaceable, indispensable friends.

The second thing I learnt was that I should never wish harm to any person, whatever shit he does to me. I frankly wished harm to Nastya, even drew schemes of taking revenge upon her in my mind. Until one episode made me see how I was wrong, and that no person in the world has the right to hold a court for another person. Life will take up this role. Of course I knew all these fundamentals before. But it was only last year that I did not only understand them, but also accepted, put on myself and started following.

The third thing is somehow linked to the two previous ones. After I sent that June message to George like that please be happy with her, I’m sure she’s a good girl, and please do not make her suffer because she’s weaker than me and she will not stand it. After that I woke up in the morning with a clear vision of what I’m gonna do in life. Socially. I sent a message to Vlada, “The world will not be better. Same with the people. But until my last tiny hope dies, I will be banging my head against a brick wall to try to make at least the world of the people whom I meet on my way better, to the best I can. Even if they will not value that. And they will not. Most often”.

How did I come to it? Guess the roots were planted when almost 3 years ago I registered on Hospitality Club. Then, a year later, on CouchSurfing. Even though the official mission is stated somewhat differently, “bringing people together”, I would put it in my way – “Bringing the Good together”. When I registered, I was excited about freebie when traveling. But the more I sank into the project, the more people I met through it, the more I got to see how broad and deep was the idea of such clubs. Last year I got into Moscow HC/CS community life, made a lot of new friends among those CSers and HClubbers who reside or temporarily stay in Moscow, and it happened to be the turning-point in my whole mentality.

Small things that made me happy :) I bought skates, a bike and a guitar. Did not use much of skates. Just tried them once with Lena. Did a couple of short bike trips around the Moscow region. And liked it, although I was fully exhausted after each of them, not being used to such physical loadings. And did not touch the guitar at all! Shame! Shame!! This year I will learn to play it. I promised it to Manu :)

Short trips to New Jerusalem (Istra) with CSers, Velikiy Novgorod with George, several trips to St.Pete both alone, with my ex-boss and with Granny. Yaroslavl does not count :)

The more my vision of life was changing, the more I was stopping to act like a Moskovian. I will never be one, and… do I need to? Later I was feeling enormous pride inside when some people from the regions asked me, “Where are you from”, and I answered, “From Moscow”. And felt embarrassed when some Moscow guys were asking, “Were you born here?” and I had to reply, “No, in Yaroslavl”. Now I find it so stupid! How silly I was! How ‘screwed-up! Now I feel no constraint to say I’m not from Moscow by origin, and moreover, I’m proud of being a Yaroslavlian. And have no problems with the people’s reaction at all :) If they like it – good. Don’t like it – better! The undeserved get filtered out immediately :))) I remember how Ox once told me not to “try to color my giraffe spots” ‘coz it’s what makes me different - and unique. I now tend to increase my visits to home since it has been, is and will always be my home. Even if I like my Moscow life too much to return to Yaroslavl.

New friends gained - Lera, Vova, Zhenya, Natasha. Got closer to 2 more people, previously mainly acquaintances of mine, now my very good friends – Natasha (another one) and Lena. I finally got closer to Katya, my flatmate, at least she’s now sharing some private things with me and I know where and with whom she has spent the evening ;)

I got further and further from ‘glamour’. All these high-heel shoes, chic’s dresses and stupid chats about sponsors and money in pompous clubs – all this R&B life is not for me. What’s the use of pretending to be the one you never be? Standards are nothing. I would prefer the sincerity of sitting around the camping fire with a guitar in mud up to my knees in the middle of nowhere. Yesterday I saw a cool wild orange T-Shirt with a phrase on the back “Goodbye D&G!” If they had S size I would buy it :P But they only had XXL :( If Mom saw it, she would get a heart attack, since she’s too wrapped up in prejudices about how a girl of my age should act and look like :)))

That’s briefly (ehh… not VERY briefly to be frank) what the last year for me was like, and what it brought to me. This one’s gonna be tons better. I feel it at an intuition-level. And woman’s intuition seldom tells a lie ;) Besides, it’s my year – I was born almost 24 years ago in the year of Bull. Hope my Bull brother will be generous to me in all the aspects ;) Same to you all! :)

To Gabi and Mahesh

Got a mail with 26 pics from Mahesh yesterday. As well as a bunch of messages regarding some NASA announcement of 7 Moons of Venus to be visible that night which happens once in 7 mio years. And though after checking it up with Granny who is astronomer and learning that, first, it’s total bullshit and, second, that Venus has no satellites at all, I was touched by his care about me. I haven’t written to him anything decent for the last 8 months being busy with work, friends, my boyfriend, i.e. my real life, he still remembers and keeps on sending messages and mails. This message about the sky and Venus sounded quite romantic even :) “Thx for not forgetting me…” – “Only death can make me 4get u!”

I started feeling bad – I felt my guilt for not valuing the people who trully care about me, and need me in this or that way. Even the fact that we never met does not deny the invisible connective waves between the people around the globe. ‘Coz there’s a lot more in the world than what we know and what we think we know, or even what we don’t think.

I feel this strong connection (among the ones whom I’ve not met in person and whom I cannot call my ‘real’ friend yet) only with two people – Gabi and Mahesh. We were about to meet with Gabi this fall when he visited Spain. But his visit was so short that I didn’t even have enough time to apply for the visa to go and see him :( A good acquaintance of mine is going to South America again this winter with 2 friends of hers. I could go with them. Instead, I am applying for the Czech visa… When we broke off with George for the first time in summer, I was sitting in the train with Mom going to Moscow from Yaroslavl and I was so decided about taking vacations and going to Montevideo in the near future. But Gabi went to Spain; I returned to my boyfriend and stayed in Moscow…

What was the initial thought? :) Yeah we should value those who care about us, instead of wasting our time and efforts with those who simply ‘take us for granted’ as Beyonce sings in her last hit which I play every evening nowadays. This idea is as old as the world, I know :) But I want to repeat it again and again, and again – GUYS I LOVE YOU, I ADORE YOU BOTH!!! THANKS FOR ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE BEEN WITH ME!!! FOR ALL THE SMILES YOU’VE GIVEN ME THROUGH THE YEARS!!! I VALUE OUR FRIENDSHIP!!! THANK YOU, DANKE, MERCI, GRAZIE, GRACIAS, SHUKRIYA, СПАСИБО!!! :)))

Nowhere plans

Yesterday I read the book “Twilight” by Stephenie Meyer. I was reading it during my whole train journey back to Moscow in one breath, paying no attention to what was happening around – so deeply sank I into the book. The book is pure entertainment, but what a beautiful Love it depicts! It amazed me, astonished me - depressed me… I envy Bella, the heroine, so much! She has found her Love, great Love – Love that wipes off all the prejudices and breaks all the bars, Love that opens the doors between the two incompatible worlds – fire and ice, civilization and wildness, life and death. And even though it makes her walk on the tight rope, hurts her and makes her cry at times, she has no fear – she resolutely marches ahead, to horror, to his scary savage world, to him… And Love that Ed and Bella are covered with, is their reward, their recompense for all the sacrifices they do for each other.

Does such a Love exist in real life? Where is it? I long for it, I need it, I beg for it! Is there anywhere in the world the One who’s meant for me; the One who will one day tell me, “You are the most important thing to me now; the most important thing to me ever!”; the One who will take me by the hand and will never let it out; the One who will always be with me as a shelter, as a world for me to live in, as the Sun and the Moon, the Water and the Skies; the One who will be my Life, the One whom I’ll breathe… I need him NOW! I am dying slowly without him. I’m dying! I already love him; I am ready to give up all for him. But he doesn’t come. Does he exist? Does Love exist at all??

It took Ed about a hundred years to find Bella. It scares me. I am not immortal… And where’s the guarantee that I’ll find my match in my Time? No guarantee – just an everlasting Hope in God’s generosity. But do I deserve it?..

I have tons of unspent love and tenderness inside me. But the days go by, and still I don’t find that One to whom I’ll give my all, and more than that, much more than that!

“Maybe someday…” I’m tired of saying “someday”. I get on the trolley to go home through the nightly Moscow, lean my head to the window, and look – into nowhere… I always remember the video of Glyuk’OZA then where she’s singing, “Moscow does not believe the tears…” Who does?

“He’s a real nowhere man
Sitting in his nowhere land
Making all his nowhere plans for nobody…”

Making all my nowhere plans for nobody…

Weekend

It was my last visit to hometown this year. On Friday I was about to miss the train as usual, if it were not for Natasha who came up to me asking, “You still here? When is your train?” I looked at my watch: 6:19 p.m. The train is 7:05. Shit!.. Thank God I had a light bag with me, which enabled me to run fast. In the carriage a boy slumped into the seat in front of me. And looked strangely. No, he actually looked normally, but strangely in the fact that he gave me a look as if we were acquainted and as if he were waiting for my reaction. But I was tired to guess who he was even if we were acquainted (which is quite possible, speaking by how people tell my friends they know me and describe me in all the details – while I don’t remember them at all!). I closed my eyes and dropped off to sleep.

When sleeping I heard some more guys occupied the nearby seats talking to each other. In an hour I woke up, and immediately heard, “Yana!” somewhere from the right. There was Yura sitting, an acquaintance of mine, whom I got to know through my classmate and friend Misha about a year ago. We never met since then, but used to exchange messages on Vkontakte (Russian Facebook) from time to time. After seeing Yura, I immediately remembered the first guy who stared at me in the very beginning of the journey – his name was Lyonya, and I met him at the same party where I got to know Yura. They were traveling in a company of 3 – the third guy, Alexander, I did not meet him before, but he used to date one of my classmates (as I learnt from Yura in the train) and knew a bunch of other my acquaintances. There was a lot to talk and share with them since we went to the same school which they had finished 6 years before me. Of course I could not remember them at school because I was a 5th form baby when they left school, but the pupils change faster than school teachers and traditions :)

On Saturday I met with my girls quite spontaneously. I did not intend to meet any of my friends, I even didn’t tell anybody about my visit, because I had to do a lot of shopping and then Granny came to see me. But at 9 p.m. I was absolutely free and quite spontaneously messaged Ox on ICQ: “Hey Giffie, are you at home? Call me”. She was shocked :) And after a 30-min phone chat we spontaneously decided to go for a walk :) She has just quarreled with her bf, I have just broken off with mine – we had a lot to discuss, even though we met 2 weeks ago at her BDay. We had a brilliant walk! One of those which we used to have when I lived in Yaroslavl and we often wandered around the city centre or sat in a coffee place and shared our dreams, thoughts, our poems and songs… Those great days… When I did not spend my life in the stuffy office working for those who will unlikely value what I am doing. When I did not rent this messy old apartment in a shabby building. When I could devote a lot of myself to creative work and friends. The best ever time devotion :) I miss those days… But we have to go on. And we need to.

We discovered that we both want a tattoo with giraffe (other options were not even discussed heh)! If she comes here next weekend we will try to find something in Moscow to know the prices. I can’t explain how important this fact is for me. It is a symbol of our friendship, unity, way of life – everything! When last week I was feeling sad and told her, “Mm… I don’t know… Maybe because I’m afraid to be left alone”, she said, “Why alone? You have me and Raccoon. We will always be together”. I know. And I value. More than anything in this world I value my friendship with Giffie, Raccoon, Vlada, Polina, and Lyuba! I am the happiest person on the Earth to have friends who support me so much!

Later on Raccoon and Anya joined us. They were in a night club, but having learnt that I’m here, Raccoon decided to come. Thanks Alice! :) I haven’t seen Anya since the time we graduated. She’s now doing PG and lectures at our university. Got some news from her: one girl got married (my ex very good friend), one – reported missing…

Didn’t want to leave as usual. But I had to. Another working week. Another struggle with loneliness in a Big City. Another turn of a wheel of Life.

What ‘life’ means to me

А между строчек одно и то же слово – «свобода»!
Между строчек – то, о чем не скажешь словами
Между строчек - понятный знак из трех точек
Между строчек – то, о чем вы знаете сами…

For me life is freedom. This freedom I understand as steady movement upon the track which I follow according to my inner dreams, wishes and desires. Sounds vague. So it is… One friend of mine once told me, “If life is a theatre where the people are actors, you play! Play and don’t be afraid to lose! Because unless we lose, we don’t know our limit. And the limit is the sky…”

For me life is when I live in the moment. Remember, Jack Dawson in “Titanic” once said something similar? (Don’t remember the exact quote though). It doesn’t mean I don’t look into the future, but unless we have the full ownership of ‘today’ we have no ‘tomorrow’. Sad, but true. Like many others, I live in a cosmopolitan crazy city, work in the office hoping if not for promotion, but at least for a salary hike, wish to buy my own car and apartment (the latter though sounds totally surrealistic for Moscow), save some money for the ‘black day’… But life is much more than that. It is the vast world lying in front of you, to which you belong, but of which you’ve seen just a tiny bit. It is every emotion and every thought of all its inhabitants. It is something beyond it, be it sign, chance, God, the energy of the world – whatever – but that is what we all feel and what most of us try to neglect until they find strength to accept its presence.

For me life is constant change. Of everything. Places, pastimes, emotions… Whenever I feel like I’m too much stuck in something, I feel like I got into a cage. There are two things I can never let go – music and
travel. But these both things imply changes, so I’m not contradicting myself. Like, say, today I feel like riding a bike, and I do 25 km by bike with my boyfriend. And tomorrow I wish to spend a quiet evening in front of the TV box. Next day I feel like going to an exhibition. Then participate in a crazy party with a bunch of people I don’t really know. Then go to the theatre… etc etc. This world gives us so much, why not trying to grasp the more of it while we are still here?..

For me life is road. If I did not have ‘responsibility’ (that is how one of my friends had put it), I would leave home and spend half of my life traveling across the globe meeting new people and getting the taste of each country. By hitch-hiking, or by any other means. Purely by myself (of course the company of my friends would be a perfect solution). My family members and many of my friends do not understand how I can ‘sink into nowhere’ every time I go traveling. But thanks God I know people who share the same ideas with me and who also believe that everything is possible in this world. The elder brother of my boyfriend left everything and set off from Moscow to Vladivostok by bike! Nearly everyone says he’s fool, but I admire him!!! That is how a person should live – without frontiers, bars or prejudices.

I am normal :) I watch the same movies with the rest of the folks, spoil my ears to the same music, type messages in the same sms jargon, speak the same slang language (which I tend to forget when talking to the decent people older than I am)… But I feel so deep regret every time I come across another soul buried under the cargo of disbelief in everything and himself setting off the barricades around him. I am madly interested in people. In each one I try to find something peculiar, try to get the essence of him/her. And, guess, only one phrase can make me get disappointed in the person, once and for all, “What is it in other places that is not here, why should I raise my ass to see another town where I’m gonna find the same buildings and all?” I will not think worse of him, but he will stop to interest me as a person. Because the worse thing for me in others is narrow-mindedness.

Roller coaster mood.

The mood during the day is like on a roller coaster ride. One moment you feel high, and the very next moment you get smashed.

I was so happy to find Vova finally in Moscow! We got to know each other through Yar hub in spring, and used to chat a lot nearly every day. Then we both discovered that we’re leaving our hometown for the capital, it’s just that he left a bit earlier. And I lost all the connection with him, since he changed a sim card in his mobile, and then I moved to Moscow and didn’t have the Internet for almost 2 months. And yesterday I suddenly met him on ICQ, we exchanged phone numbers, and he phoned me, so that we could finally talk to each other for half an hour. I was really on top of the world to find this great guy, my very good acquaintance.

Then Mom phoned. I wonder why she always acts as if she’s the centre of the world and everyone should do what she wants to! I knew she’s coming to Moscow with her colleagues to visit a theatre this Saturday, and I told her many times during the last 3 weeks not to buy the ticket for me, ‘coz I won’t have an opportunity to join them. First I wanted to go to Rybinsk with my friend, now the weather changed and we decided to stay in Moscow, but I still have other things to do. “I knew you will finally give up this stupid idea to go to Rybinsk”, she says. /She always finds my every idea crazy and stupid, but I don’t care/ “So I bought a ticket for you”. – “Why Mom? I told you I have other plans!” – “Because you must go to the theatre, ‘coz I think if you went to the Variety Show Theatre /she considers it to be a non-serious place to visit./ then you will go to this theatre, too” – “Yes, I’d love to, but I don’t have time on that day, I told you!” – “Then we’ll lose the money spent on that ticket” – “But WHO told you to buy it? Why do you always act the way you wish to? Haven’t I told you I won’t join you?!” – “You’re a rascal!!! Don’t come to Yaroslavl any more, I don’t want to see you…” etc etc. WHERE IS MY FAULT??? AM I TO BE BLAMED??? WHY DOES SHE ALWAYS BEHAVE AS IF I AM HER PET???

Now I don’t know what to do… I wanted to go to IKEA and do some household things with George. But now I know I won’t have peace in my soul, ‘coz I will be thinking about that damned ticket and Mom upset for me (even though there’s no actual reason for that!)… Wish to phone Granny and talk to her. Really do wish to. I think I’ll do it today in the evening…

Old School

It’s gonna be a long story, but I feel like I NEED to let it out. You’ll be a hero if you read it up to the end )))

Once I was surfing one special site for Russians where they can meet their classmates and old friends who may now live in other parts of the country or the world. It’s a great place to meet your old acquaintances and recollect some moments of your childhood. There was a group on the site which caught my attention, “Old School 90s”. The people who gather there, are my age or a bit older who chanced to have had their childhood in the 90s. We were discussing all sorts of old stuff which made up our childhood years, and it made me sink into my childhood once again.

I know we all had the same and thus different childhood, ‘coz our geographies differ and cultures differ, too. And different things made us happy. My childhood years are related to the end of the 80s and the 90s, the period when Russia experienced a huge shift from the Soviet regime to what is now called ‘democracy’ (though I certainly argue it). It was the time when we suddenly started to get all that weird and fascinating (fascinating, ‘coz it was totally weird) Western stuff which we never had before.

I was 6 or 7 when that man from “Slave Isaura” perished in the fire. I remember how the whole Russia was weeping that evening. And I was eager to do everything my parents wanted from me, just to get a permission to watch “Santa Barbara” in the evening. And no one of us can forget how C.C. was lying in coma for more than a hundred series and then simply tore the oxygen mask off himself and rose from the dead :) My classmate even called her cat by the name of her favourite “Santa Barbara” hero – Mason :) Then years on my family used to gather in front of our old TV-set to watch “The Rich Also Cry” (with Veronica Castro starring), “Simply Maria”, >“Milagros” (on Russian TV it was called “Girl with the name of Fate” for some reason), “Perla Negra”, “Celesta” and all its sequels, “My Second Mama” and many more. This genre was totally new for us, and it was such a surprise to watch an “endless melodrama”. We seemed to follow the sufferings and doubts of the heroes, ‘coz we didn’t know what the end would be like. It’s now that I can watch the first series and predict the end which’s gonna occur in a year :). My Mom became a fan of Andrea del Boca, while I was dreaming of Gabriel Corrado and Osvaldo Laport! And YES – “Helen and the Guys” (a French TV series about students) – it was a real hit, a mania! Everybody was watching it, we discussed it at school, collected pictures and posters with Helen, Nicolas, Goanna, Christian, Jose, Sebastian and others. “Thunder in Paradise”, “Beverly Hills 90210” (I was crazy ‘bout Luke Perry!) - I can go on for ages :)

“Gammy Bears” was a discovery for us! We’ve never seen such colorful, bright, and well totally different cartoons. There was a time when we started neglecting our own culture under the pressure of loads of Western stuff, strongly prohibited before. We had to pass this phase. And we passed it. Now these things are viewed like everyday stuff and don’t astonish us any longer. We are returning to our own culture finally. But those days we all were singing “Chip, Chip, Chip, Chip and Dale rescue rangers, Chip, Chip, Chip, Chip and Dale where there’s danger” and “Can you feel the love tonight…” I think I was 10 when they showed “Lion King” on TV for the first time. There was a children program on our local TV channel “Gorodskoy Telekanal” (“City TV Channel” – now it has almost disappeared, and mainly broadcasts the programs of Moscow channel “CTC”) every Sunday when they told about some big Disney cartoon and broadcasted it after. All the viewers were suggested to take part in a contest with the prize if we gave the right answer to the question, “On which famous play is the cartoon based?” Mom guessed it in 10 min. I didn’t know “Hamlet” by that time, ‘coz we studied some English literature only when I was 12 or so. But Mom insisted that I should call and answer. I didn’t want to, ‘coz I was very shy at that time and was simply afraid to talk to that man in the TV set. She cried at me, and we quarreled. I don’t know why, but this episode never left my head years after. But I was fascinated by the cartoon, and it still remains one of my favourites, maybe the best one for me.

It was the time of first adverts to appear. It sounds silly, but those adverts were the best ones! That dancing camel from “Picnic” advert – he was just awesome! Or the advert with Suvorov (our famous general of the 18th century) sitting at the dinner table with the Emperor family and noble guests and the Emperor asking him, “Why don’t you start?” – “But it’s advent Father, we can’t start before the first star!” And yes, those funny chicken legs flying up and forming a line high up in the skies with the voice coming out, “It’s not cranes – it’s chicken legs flying”. It was my favourite. And sure the absolute hit of the 90s – “Everyone loves Mamba. And Seryozha also!”

Funny, but we were happy to drink those god-awful juices of powder – Zuko, Yuppii, and Invite (remember – “Inviiiiiiiiite, you just need to add some water!”). And everybody was collecting wrappers from “Love is…” (Bubble Gum of Love) you remember that chewing-gum? Oh God, how tasty it was! Why isn’t it sold anywhere now?? I LONG FOR TASTING IT ONE MORE TIME!!! I had hundreds of wrappers with all sorts of love definitions, and always wished to get that “Love is…” box, but I never had a chance. Then Kinder Surprises appeared, and we got hooked to them for several years. My first collection started with Lions. I remember how insatiable I used to be, and needed more, more figures, the whole collection. We used to bring our KS toys in parcels, dump them out during the break, and change one toy for the other which we lacked in our collection. Collapsible toys went 2 or 3 for 1 figure. Depending on the figure status. I have the whole collection of Lions, Dwarves, Penguins, oh who else was there? I remember I once stole a dwarf figure from my classmate. I needed this only dwarf in my collection, and Katya brought it to school with other KS toys. It was summer school camp after the 3rd grade. We went on an excursion by bus, and I was always holding this figure in my arms while we were sitting in the bus, and at first I didn’t intend to commit this ‘crime’, but Katya seemed to forget about the toy and I just took it home. I was afraid to look in her eyes the next day. I felt ashamed. But I never returned the toy. I knew Katya was then telling her friends that I had stolen her dwarf, but they didn’t believe her ‘coz I was a person of trust at school, and they even came up to me and told me that Katya was rumoring about me! I played like I surely was not guilty! Ah it’s the worst deed of my childhood… There were Crocodiles in KS, too, before Lions, and those KS were a rare thing in Russia. We somehow missed them. But some guys had crocodile figures in their collections, and it was a matter of definite pride. The KS mania started when I was 9. And I was almost 11 or 12 when tents appeared on one of the central squares with the figures of crocodiles and other KS specials at sell. This killed KS. We lost interest. Now everyone could simply buy any figure he wished to, without taking risks with a KS egg. WHY DID THEY KILL KS?? WHO ASKED THEM???

But we soon found a new collection object – stickers. It all started with “Barbie”. We bought sticker packs, each one contained 6 or 7 stickers and we didn’t know what stickers we were to get. We stuck them then into the special album with the space for this particular sticker. The aim was to fill the whole album with stickers. The more stickers you had in your collection the less chances you got to have all new stickers when buying a sticker pack. And again we exchanged stickers to finish the collection. I’ve got the whole “Barbie” album full. And in “Lion King” I miss only 1 – it’s such a pity! Then I had an “Animal World” and later “Helen and the Guys”. But at that time we were losing interest to this, and I think half of these albums are left unfinished. Those who had the “Barbie” album full could get a present from the company – a real Barbie! It was a dream, ‘coz we didn’t have many Barbies at that time in children stores. It’s now that you walk through the children store and see hundreds of Barbie and Ken dolls in all the possible dresses with all the furniture. We dreamt of it. I never had a Barbie. I’ve only got a Betsy, and a Cindy. And a Pamela - a nice teenage girl of the Barbie type, but twice shorter. One could find these toys in “Children World” in Moscow only, and the dream of every child living in the province was a visit of this big store and at least have a look at all those beautiful toys. Still I was happy to have these Barbie copies. I used to gather my dolls and come to my neighbour Lyuba where we played with both my and her dolls. There was also the time when small German baby dolls were popular. They were mostly sold two in a pack – all dressed in pink crawlers or dresses, mostly girl baby dolls. I had such a doll pair, and when Lyuba came to me, we took two old armchairs and designed them as 2-storey cottages. One for each doll. And then played the day of each girl. Sometimes they met and had a chat, sometimes their days never brought them together. We could spend hours playing this sort of game. We also loved to play “Monopoly” and “Manager” like everyone else – table games where we could buy this or that enterprise, sold and bought shares, got rich and went bankrupt, started from scratch. Lyuba had those games, and I came to her every evening to spend 3-4-more hours running the business of my dream :))

We didn’t have computers – we had Dendies and Segas. Sega was much cooler, and nearly everyone had a Dendy. When we visited someone’s Birthday party we most likely spent the after-dinner part playing Dendy connecting 4 to 6 joysticks to it. I still remember “Mario”, “Battle Toads”, “Contra” and “Chip and Dale” games. And the one which I adored “Felix Jerry”. I could chose a hero there – cat, bee and some unknown heroes, each possessing a special quality – and forward towards the end of the game. I never passed all the stages, but I was constantly practicing. Our stores were loaded with orange Dendy cartridges – in the same way as DVDs fill the video stores now. I remember Mom never let me connect my Dendy to a color TV-set in our living-room, and I used a small black-and-white TV-set for playing Dendy games which stood in my room. I always envied a bit my classmates who could play color Dendy games.

We also had Tamagotchis and Elektronikas. An Elektornika was a forerunner of Tetris. It generally showed time and functioned as an alarm-clock. But it never mattered anyone of us. What was important is that it had a game. Each Elektronika had its own game. In my game a “merry cook” (that was actually the name of the game) was tossing up sausages and catching them back with his pan. I scored records after hours spent in following the cook’s actions. Sometimes my parents started to shout at me, “Go and do your hometask instead of playing this stupid game!” “Yes, yes, Mom, I’m coming…” but I never did before I scored a new record. It’s funny, but I’m one of those rare persons whose Elektronika is still working. But I don’t play now, I simply use it as an additional alarm-clock (one is not enough to wake me up in the morning :) Tetris was the same, but had more games, and they were different. Snake, Tetris itself, others I don’t remember. My favourite was Snake. We can still play it in some mobiles. My Mom is crazy ‘bout it, and once spent 3 hours playing Snake in her mobile non-stop :) Parents bought me a Tamagotchi as a New Year’s present when I was 12. I was on top of the world! My tamagotchi was a panda. I never managed to grow him up till 100 years; I was a bad pet keeper. But I did my best, and every time he died again I promised I would treat him better next time :) It was impossible to sit at the lessons, because I was always thinking about him, how he was, maybe he was hungry or wanted to have a walk. The teachers were crazy about that, but they could not stop this mania :)

When I got older a cassette-recorder became my favourite toy. Zlata bought me a radio cassette player when I was 13. For over a year I was just listening to some favourite cassettes, winding the cassette to the needed place with a pencil or with a finger (our children will not understand this process already). “The Best From The West-1,2,3”, “E-Rotic”, “Filipp Kirkorov – I’m Not Rafael”, “Tatyana Ovsienko – Za rozovym morem”, “Ivanushki International – hmm… don’t remember the name of their very first album”. The 2 first items were extremely popular in the middle of the 90s. We all danced Macarena at the discos and waited till that handsome blond guy from the parallel class would invite us to dance a slow with him to “Even Though You Broke My Heart” or “Casablanca” or “Tuchi” (“Storm-clouds”). I first heard “E-Rotic” when I was in the summer camp. I used to be a total “home kid” in those days, who spent time with the family and my dear Granny (unfortunately she’s not here anymore) instead of walking with other kids in the street. That was why I didn’t know most of the music and movie tendencies and was a sort of “out-of-date”. In the summer camp I learnt a lot :) And used to sing the songs of “E-Rotic” until I got 14 or 15. Now when I listened to the songs of the album some months ago I was shocked about the text! Oh my God, if only I knew what I was singing!!! But when I was 11 I had no doubt that in “Dr. Dick” Dick was the name of the doctor who was somehow gonna help the female vocalist :))) At 14 I discovered that I could find radio stations on my radio cassette recorder. That was the beginning of my “education in modern music”. I could listen to the radio for hours recording my favourite songs of Hanson, Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, N-Sync, Five, Ricky Martin and others. I started buying megapopular weekly magazines for teens of those days “COOL” and “COOL Girl”. It was 1997, spring, and we were cleaning the school yard. I have just watched “Titanic” and have completely fallen in love with Jack (or Leonardo?? no guess at that time I saw Jack in him, and Jack was my dream). And suddenly I saw a magazine lying on the porch with his picture on the front page! It belonged to one of my classmates, but I did not dare to ask her what sort of magazine it had been, ‘coz I used to be shy and diffident and was afraid that everybody would laugh at me because of my ignorance. However I took Granny out and went in search of this magazine. It was not hard to find, ‘coz it was everywhere. That was the first time I read a teen magazine. Since then I started buying “COOL” every week and learnt a lot of information about music and famous bands, actors, teen stuff, sex (yes, I learnt about sex through this magazine, ‘coz nobody ever told me about it among my relatives, and when I read the “love pages” in “COOL” for the first time I thought, “Woooooow…”). There was a great thing in each “COOL” – photo love story, one for several issues, like comics but about Russian teens and love. I could not miss an issue at least because of these photo love stories. I also loved to read the last page where fans were looking for other fans to have a mail correspondence (of course not e-mail, in those days we were wrote letters with a pen, as well as reports, essays and everything – just imagine a 20-pages report written with a pen! It took me a week to do it plus many hours in the library to find the information). I tried it several times but it actually did not lead to anything long-lasting.

We were talented. We composed verses. These masterpieces could be viewed all over the town – on the asphalt, walls, fences, windows (certainly somebody else’s). We constantly decorated the walls of our WCs with poetic and prosaic lines about all sorts of stuff – beginning with “Marina + Dima = Love” or “Igor is a nasty dirty f*cking freak” and ending with the teachers’ characterizations (usually of an evil kind). Vlada’s teacher of physics had the family name Kononov (when translated, “horse-like” or anyway it was derived from the word “horse”), sure he was given a nick Horse. I still remember a big line on her school wall, “Horse is goat” (“Kon’ – kozel”), “goat” here means a freaky person, somebody whom one strongly dislikes. But on the whole the phrase seems totally funny! It makes me smile even now, when I recollect the memories of those days :) It happened so that this man is a fellow-student of one of my Grannies, and until now when she talks about her friends, I ask her, “And what about Horse-Goat?” :)))

Grown-ups used to shout at us each time they found a new creation on the wall. And we knew it was no good to spoil the walls, but we could not restrain this soul squall. I remember one hit in our toilets made up of the quatrains in Russian across the whole wall saying,
“On WC walls to leave some notes
Believe me friends, it’s no hit
Among the shit you all are poets
Among the poets you’re a shit” :)))
Or lines like “It’s better all dead rats to eat, than to hear Alisa’s hit” (Alisa is a famous rock band of those days), or “Kurt’s not dead – he’s gone to smoke”, or “Who’s a fan of club Dynamo is a son of a blockhead mama” (Dynamo is a soccer club).

We liked to gather altogether in a yard and play games. Simple games with a ball: football or “square” (a football type game when 4 people draw a square with a chalk on the asphalt and divide it in 4 sectors, each of the 4 people is responsible for protecting his sector, and if the ball leaves the sector the person who kicked it scores a point; my friend Sveta (was my neighbour and best friend those days) and I used to play with the boys from our house, and we were constantly quarrelling simply because they were boys and we were girls – it was an everlasting fight until we all got 15 or 16).

There was a field in the neighbourhood used by Militia for training during the day, and in the evening we used it as a soccer field. Children from all the neighbouring yards joined us. I even met my first boyfriend Seryozha on the field during one of the games :) It was a relationship between 2 kids: I was 11, and he was 13. We exchanged love letters, and when I was at home because of homework he used to come up to my balcony, whistled, I took a rope, pulled it down to him, he tied sweets, chewing-gums, cookies and other tasty things to it, and I lifted the rope up again. So sweet! Ah where have those days of innocence and sincerity gone?! But then he beat my classmate black and blue just because he once came to me, and some other unpleasant moments, and it all was stopped by me. No idea where he is now. I used to meet him sometimes when I was passing his yard, some years after, when I was 15 and 16, and sometimes we even said, ‘Hey’ to each other, once he said, “Come sit with me for a while” but I said ‘no’, ‘coz he got into a bad company by that time, problems with Militia and alcohol. Then I learnt he was imprisoned twice. And then his tracks have completely disappeared.

Dodge ball – there were 2 types of it. One was traditional dodge ball when the crowd gathers in the middle between the 2 ball-kickers; the other was with one ball-kicker and the crowd stood at the wall, the “kicker” threw the ball to the wall aiming to hit someone. I remember I got a terrible head-hurt when we played it with a soccer ball, and this ball hit me so hard that I knocked against the wall.

“Squirrels-dogs” – a game when the people formed a circle and threw the ball to each other. And one was standing in the circle and tried to catch it. The others teased him, and he was running from one corner to another to get this ball.

“Odd man-out” (or “Third is odd” if we translate it word-for-word). Standing in pairs we formed a circle. One was a “he” (or “catcher” as you like) and also one was without pair. The catcher tried to catch that one without pair, and the latter had to stand up to one of the pairs, and the pair turned into a three-person line, third was odd, and now he had to escape from the catcher. Very active game with lots of running, shouting, and what not.

“Slow and steady wins the race” – I don’t know why it was called so. It’s just named by the first phrase in the phrasal unit that the he has to say, “Slow and steady wins the race, won’t miss anyone on your way, stop!” At the word “Stop!” everyone was supposed to stand still in the pose he was standing at that moment. And the he came up to everyone and tried to make him move – teased him, tickled him etc.

“Glimmers” – everybody was standing in pairs in a circle (one person in the pair after another) with one he. The he looked at the people in the front row and winked at the one whom he chose so that the back row person didn’t notice it. When a person saw that the he winked at him, he rushed to him, and the person behind him had to react and hold him, or he would lose the pair and become a he. I remember once my best school friend of those days Masha came to my yard (we lived at a one bus-stop distance from each other, and she usually played in her yard). We were standing in a pair. But then a boy, also Seryozha by the way, winked to me (he was the brother of one of my friends and liked me, and I liked that he liked me if I may say so, ha-ha in a couple there’s always one person who loves and one who lets the other love him – it’s a more widespread thing than two people hell in love with each other), and I remember Masha’s whisper: “I need to hold you, you know. But I’ll do it just one time for effect, and next time I will pretend and let you go” :))) And she did it. I was standing with Serg until the end of the game, and when somebody else winked at me and he did not notice I specially slowed to give him time and react ;) Ha-ha, how old was I? 11? 12? :)))

When we got older we liked to sit on the bench and play a quiet ball game named “Family”. One person was standing with a ball, and all the rest were sitting on the bench. The game-leader was creating a life story of each participant. He threw the ball to the first person, asking “Your name is…” and suggesting his variant. If the participant liked it, he caught the ball. If he didn’t - he didn’t. But suddenly the leader threw the ball shouting “Family” – and if the person caught the ball he could choose any name he liked. If he didn’t – the leader gave him any name he wanted. It might be a good name, or a dirty name (usually a dirty name, sure), and nothing could be changed. Then followed the questions like, “What is your boy/girlfriend’s name?” “Where did you meet?” “When did you have wedding” etc etc. It was funny when the story was created by the leader, coz he could make it so that the couple met at a dump. She was 6 and he was 99. They had wedding in the wood etc :)))

And sure some crazy deeds of ours like jumping from one garage to another (some fell down and hurt something, but these were rare cases) and climbing the trees (the person who planted the trees in front of our house used to come to the balcony and shout at us, “Get out of my plants you little fools!!!” but we never cared about it).

We also liked to call spirits, like The Queen of Spades and some home spirits – barabashka, domovoi etc (Russian counterparts of the English “brownie”). For that we had to gather in a dark cellar or just in a dark place and do some magic tricks, say magic words and wait… Usually it all ended with someone’s shout, “I see her/him!” – and we rushed out of the cellar screaming and crying :) When I was in the summer camp (I think I was 12) once we were calling some spirit (don’t remember which) in our ward. We did everything required, and said, “If you’re here, knock at the wall”. And we heard knocking!!! Ah we were so afraid, we ran out of the ward shouting, and were afraid to go back :) In the morning we learnt that the neighbouring ward heard it, and just knocked at the wall separating our ward from their ward :))))))

At home in our yard we found a hut and created a story that it was the home of spirits. Every day we chose one person who needed to go to the hut and talk to the spirits. The choice was made by the toss of the coin or a similar thing named “Rock Paper Scissors” (In Russian version it was actually "stone scissors paper";) guess you all know it: "Rock Paper Scissors - Tsu, Ye, Fa!"; rock wins against scissors, scissors win against paper, paper wins against rock). Everyone knew in his heart of hearts there were no spirits in the hut, but still everyone was afraid :) When he returned, he created stories about a talk with the spirits, what they said, and how he responded :)))

And another crazy game called “Sleep-sending”. One person pressed on the neck of another person, and that person had to fall asleep immediately. Most of us were pretending. After we woke up we were telling our dreams. We were small and did not understand that we could press on some artery and never wake up again!!! Cruel game of cruel kids of the 90s…

In winter we played snowballs, skied, skated, sledged and slid down the ice-hill. I remember my classmate Zhenya once broke my nose, because he stopped somewhere in the middle of sliding, and I slid after him and fell upon his boot. There was no blood, but the nose ached for a year and a half after that… We liked making snow figures, rolling snowballs (when the snow was not crumbly) and placing one on the other. When we were 9-10 years old a young man (for us he seemed a grown-up, but in fact he was just 16 or 17) used to come to our yard and play with us. I still can’t see the point of this coming. But maybe he just liked kids. We adored him! His name was Lyosha, but we called him Barabashka because of his family name – Barabanov. When he appeared we all jumped up to his neck and hang there – we were so happy! Our parents did not like it. They kept on saying, “This boy must be sick – there’s no sense in his coming and playing with you small girls”. But we never paid attention. Never was he a threat to us. When we grew up he disappeared. I sometimes met him afterwards when I was 15, 17, 19… He did not change. But of course he did not recognize me, and I never came up and start a chat.

I guess we were the last generation who liked to read. Until computers took all the time, but it happened only when we were in High School. Child detective stories were extremely popular in mid-90s. There were several series of such stories. One was a series of Hitchcock stories about a group of kids who solved crimes. The second was about 2 brothers – Frank (he was 18 and dark-haired) and Joe (a 17-year old blond) - this was my favourite series. And the third I also liked was about 5 kids (I don’t remember well, but I believe they were 5), 2 girls and 3 boys, and a dog. They were relatives, and met in summer, every time getting into an adventure. These books still stand in my bookcase, but it’s been a long time since I turned their pages last time. Of course we had to read a lot for school, but we never liked what we were supposed to read. It’s quite natural.

School… School… When I went to school in 1992 it was the last year of the Soviet school uniform. That usual one of a brown or black dress and a white apron (for girls) and dark-blue suits (for boys). We first had common Soviet schoolbags like the ones you see in old movies. But already at the end of 1992 colourful Western schoolbags started to appear. They cost a lot, and usually the richest kids were lucky to have such. When I changed the school the first memory of a new school was right connected with these schoolbags. In my old school only 2 kids had beautiful schoolbags. In the new school everyone had expensive colourful schoolbags. It’s a kid impression, but I liked my new school even starting with the way the pupils looked like :)

I also remember that the first day I came to the new class a boy held out a thick exercise-book to me with the words, “Fill it in!” It was the first time I saw this hit of many many years – Questionnaire. A thick exercise-book contained the info about its owner, and questions. There were dozens of questions about all aspects of life “What is your name?” “What is your favourite group?” “Who is your friend” “Whom do you love?” etc. The number of questions depended on its owner’s fantasy :) Usually at the end we had to leave some comments or wishes to the owner. Every one had a Questionnaire, some had even several Questionnaires, and they were filled in by hundreds of people. Of course we all were interested in the lines “Who is your friend?” and “Whom do you love?” Most often we left the first letters of a name and a family name of the person. Like Olga Kabuzova would look like “O.K.” :) The boy who gave me the first Questionnaire was the biggest hooligan of the class, but he liked me from the start for some reason, although I was shy (maybe because of that). In my Questionnaire that appeared several months after that he responded to the question “Whom do you love?” in the following way: “I LOVE YOU, YANA!” I think it was the first time when somebody said these words to me :))) It was he who had been beaten by my boyfriend Sergey a year ago when he just came to me for some book. Now he's playing solo guitar in one famous local band called "Leto na Marse" :) When many years after I was cleaning my drawer, I found several questionnaires of mine, grabbed them all and threw into the dustbin. How now I blame myself for that! What a fool! But what's done cannot be undone...

Reverting to what I was telling you about, when in the 7th grade I had to respond to the same question I didn’t know what to write. Well I liked one boy, and he was the most popular boy in our class, and he liked another girl. So I decided to name any other person to avoid rumors that I like Kirill he-he. And I chose his friend Rodik. Don’t know why. He was not popular. And I don’t know why I made up my mind to mention him. Maybe my intuition whispered to me that he was in fact much more interesting than his friend. I saw it years after when he grew up into a good-looking blond guy, very clever and straight-forwarded. He passed entrance exams to Moscow State University (the place where the most clever guys of Russia study), and left for Moscow. Now he graduated from it and probably stayed there as a PG student. But those days he was just Rodik :) I put his initials into the Questionnaire, and after some time I saw that he put my initials responding the question. That how it all started. For some time after that we were exchanging such mentions, then invited each other to Birthday Parties, danced slows (I think I still have a photo of us dancing somewhere in my writing-table) – were a pair? Who knows :) And then we just grew up… :)))

We were the last pioneers of Russia :)/a 'pioneer' is a famous Soviet analogue of a 'scout'/ The Pioneer Organization did not function properly already at that time, but we passed through the ceremony of dedication and received the usual attributes of the Pioneer Organization – a red pioneer necktie and a red cap. We never wore them, but we have them :) It is a legendary thing. There's not a single person in Russia and ex-USSR who does not know and remember it. Or at least know... It's so funny, when sometimes in the bus or tram there's a young boy or sitting on the bench and an old man or woman is standing beside him/her, and he/she does not stand up, you here 'Oh God, where the world's going... What kind of pioneers we're having now...' The Soviet kids lived according to the Code of Ethics, maybe partly because of that we used to be that 'Great Empire' :) "You, who are on the road must have a code that you can live by..." (Hanson)

We did… We were… So many stories… Can’t remember all… Can’t write all…

Hope it gave you some picture of what Russia of the 90s was like, and how average people were living in those hard transition days.

With love,
Me span>

Fate or chance?

Do you wonder why this or that thing happens to you, or why this or that person appears on your way? And when it happens, is it fate or chance? Does it mean anything?

It’s amazing, the very time I start to doubt whether I really need to spend the money on the guitar and midi-keyboard (when I did not have most of other important appliances like microwave-oven, a washing machine etc) I meet a girl on ICQ (no, it was actually she who found me) with the same name, also from Moscow and also a HC member (!), who’s a vocalist of a pop duet (!!). Her husband turns out to be a guitarist, arrangement maker, has his own studio, teaches guitar (!!!), and can help me buy a good guitar and teach me to play it! Besides they are looking for song text authors! What’s that? Is it the way some magic power from above tries to show me that I need to go on? Or do I just simply believe what I desire?

Lena says that every situation we get into is useful ‘coz it teaches or shows us something. She has dozens of evidences to this. So do I, but my stubborn mind still keeps on saying, “Stop it, come to earth, there are no magic powers in the world”. I know. But how else can I explain it? What’s your opinion?

Best friend of a child

On Sunday Lu and I went to watch “The Nanny Diaries”. A nice comedy-melodrama about a young girl working as a nanny in a rich Manhattan family. Nothing special about the plot, but it somehow touched my heart so that I was about to weep at some dramatic points. The scene when the nanny says, “The worst thing that could happen to you is getting attached to the child, but how can you remain indifferent when these two big eyes are looking at you with hope?” was especially strong. For me, because I felt the same when I was giving private classes to a small girl 3 days a week for almost 3 years. Very soon she started sharing her secrets and everyday stuff with me, and once she said I was her best friend. It’s such a small thing to be named ‘best friend’ by an 8-year old girl – and big thing because you feel that this small person trusts you and loves you.

“Yana do you have a child?” – “Nooo, you’re quite enough for me Nastya, believe me” (this was actually meant as irony, ‘coz she was always so noisy and lazy!) - “Cooool! Thaaaaaank you!!” with a tight embrace following.

There were moments when she suddenly addressed me “mama” – first year it confused me, second – amazed, and third – made me almost happy.

I suggested her mother that she would bring Nastya to the music school. The one which I finished, and where my Mom now works. It made me feel proud to advise something useful to her family, being the person whose opinion was important for them.

When I accompanied her to the swimming-pool to put a swimming cap on her head (she can’t do it herself) from time to time when her parents had no time, or when I picked her up after music school classes to bring home and hold an English class there – I was proud, too. I enjoyed playing the role of a ‘big sis’ to this small girl, and everyone took me for her sister in fact. Am I a good actress? But was it acting?!

She always tried my new clothes (jackets, coats, fir coats, scarves, gloves), and every lesson ended in my shouting, “Nastya, return my coat to me, I’m in a hurry, I need to go!” – “No way. You’ll stay here!” – “Nastyaaaaaaaa!!! I said BRING ME BACK MY COAT!!!”

I remember that Tamagochi I bought to her. She was asking it so persistently, that I had to satisfy this need of hers. But when I said it was going to replace her Birthday present, ‘coz that’s enough of presents, she said, “Take it away, I don’t want it. I want to have that Birthday present”. I got angry and upset all in one, took it away and left it somewhere on the steps of the porch. I didn’t regret those 100 rub. spent on it, but I felt like my present meant nothing to her, though I wished it so much to buy her something that she could use and remember me. Sure she is just a child, and she didn’t understand that, and I needed to explain it to her. But well we can’t turn back time, and I must still be not grown up enough if I let these childish acts happen on my side.

She may be different. Quiet and naughty, all heart or mean, she may make you almost furious and want to kill everyone around, she may upset you. But still it fills your heart with such a joy, happiness and completeness when you spend the time with a child. Will she remember me in 10 years? Who knows. But I know that I will always remember these 3 years that I’ve been the best friend of a child.

Silence

Today crossing 3rd Transport Ring to get home I suddenly remembered Ox. Don’t know why, but I felt like sending her something, although we did not communicate for over a month. There were moments when I was almost sure we would never talk to each other again. Then that poem of hers, my poetic respond to her, her poem in respond to my respond, finally ending in her insults and blames and my silence. Yes, there were and still are things I can’t understand and I still remember “If you look at everything from your arrogant roof then there’s no need to be always the first to write to you”, but guess we both crossed the line when sending those blameful texts. Anyway knowing myself well, I just needed time to forget ‘coz I don’t like to remember old hurts.

After the apartment question had somehow settled down, I just knew at once what the main point of my anger was – because she did not go with me. And I sent her an sms, “I’ve thought about it, and you know, what the real reason for my anger is, - not that you let me down with an apartment, but that you did not stay in Moscow with me. Because how great it would be if you did”. And I’m glad she got it right. “And… is Avril giving a concert?” – “You read it???” I was surprised, but happy to know she was still reading my Blog despite of all. She then even phoned me from Yar on my home phone and we finally had a normal talk after so many weeks. I know we will never happen to spend as much time as we did before, ‘coz university’s over, and she’s leaving for Holland, maybe forever. But at least we’re friends again. I think I need to write to Katya, too, ‘coz I hate it having a taste of quarrel with a close friend and be silent.

We all make mistakes – some are trifles, some are not – but it’ll never do us good if we kept our hurts inside us ‘til the end, ‘coz it’ll never leave if we value friendship at least a bit. Mom never spoke to her Dad properly after divorce. Many times I asked her why she never phoned him or went to visit him, but she constantly replied it was none my business. So that I’ve never seen my Grandpa. Mom once told me we met him in the trolley when I was little and they talked a little, but she intentionally did not tell me he was my Grandpa and I simply paid no attention to some stranger talking to my Mom. There were plenty of such strangers all around! Why did she decide for me?! She had no right! I thought I would meet him at Yulya’s wedding, but his sister told him a lie that the wedding date had been transferred, just to help my Mom never meet him again. It was the last chance for me to see him. Never mind. I don’t feel like it’s a thing of vital importance, ‘coz I don’t know him and he has no place in my life and in my heart, but I can’t understand those who prefer to solve their problems by silence. Silence never helps. It drowns. It fills the every spot of your ‘box’ so that you’d never chance to hear anything more. Do you like being deaf? I don’t.

Spirit of youth

Yulya was totally right yesterday, “We shouldn’t live for tomorrow only. Need to save some space for today, too”. I returned to the office and booked the ticket to Avril Lavigne’s concert. Found a guy on the Internet who is a theatre ticket distributor, and bought a ticket to the theatre, too. Called my friends to the Irish pub. If I want this, why can’t I satisfy this need of mine? After all, money’s nothing if one doesn’t spend it to bring some joy to his life. I can’t really understand those who are just gazing at distant tomorrow skies. It’s a no go. Then you turn round years after – and life’s gone – and you haven’t done anything you could have. I know plenty of such sad stories. These guys are now eager to give everything to turn back the hands of time. But it never works out. “The time is up… it’s 5 O’clock… it never stops…”

It’s such a privilege to be young and have no horizons before you. And being able to do whatever we wish to, ‘coz there are so many wonders and so many chances. And let this spirit stay in us for as long as it’s possible in our not-so-easy life! That’s my biggest hope ever, ‘coz whenever we dash it, in a trice our world turns into a black-and-white ‘everyday’. Is that what we’re born for? “Noway! Noway!.” We will prove the whole world that we CAN live a real life – life full of unbelievable adventures, miraculous discoveries, fantastic fulfillments and a whole color spectrum emotions! Life we dream of!! Life we long for!!!

"Take me to the place
Where we belong
Where we wanna be
No inhibitions
'Cause we're young
And we want to be free!"

Broken Boomerang

I need to redo the text of “Reliability”. Yes, they both did let me down, and I still feel a kind of upset, more not ‘coz of this let-down, but ‘coz it were they, the people whom I trusted so much. One apologized and we restored piece. One did not. But it’s not what it’s about. Now – I’m doing the same thing to Katya, the person who never let me down in any situation and who was praps the only one among my so-to-say ‘new’ friends (mean not from school days, those ones who are tested by time) on whom I could rely (mm… not 100% sure, ‘coz practice showed you never know, but almost). I can imagine what she now thinks about me (or maybe even cannot?!), and though I apologized I know things will never go on like they did before. ‘Coz I’m now out of trust anyway. And she’s serious and responsible, so should her friends be. I don’t fit in. Never did, but I was trying my best to meet these requirements. Silly – you can never hide the truth. And my lot is spending chatty nights in pubs laughing ‘bout some silly joke with those who will easily kick me off their way as soon as they think I’ve gone too far and hinder. I HATE IT! But I know that I will always go lured by something insensible. And well it’s better than letting down decent people and feel ashamed and guilt after. I feel bad. I have a desire to get on the train back home now, and leave everything behind and disappear in the usual fuss of Moscow. Hoping to forget this blemish. I won’t, but I will play. Like I always do when I feel bad. Talking to those who don’t know about what has happened. I will tell, but they won’t blame ‘coz no one blames ‘til he’s into this, too.

They say, “as you sow you shall mow”, right? Or “your every deed will boomerang to you”. Then I’ve got some broken boomerang at my side, ’coz I first mow, then sow. TELL ME WHAT’S THE SENSE IN A BROKEN BOOMERANG???

About the favourite band

Love is only what you give up -
Life is in what you get
Love won’t always fill your cup,
But life’s when you start to live
Life’s when you learn to give…

It’s generally so hard to formulate why we love this or that thing, since the more we love it the greater spectrum of details about it falls into this love zone. We’re all looking for something that would correspond with what we feel or think, that would explain to us some simple formulae about a difficulty to make the right decision: “Sittin’ on the corner of nowhere road just between “I wish I could” and “I don’t know”; about a loss of a dear person: “I don’t want you to cry and weep whooooa. I want you to go on living your life. I’m not sleeping an endless sleep whooooa. It’s in your heart you’ll have all of our good times. Oh, all of our good times...”; about lack of understanding and loneliness: “Sitting on the side, waiting for a sign, hoping that my luck will change. Reaching for a hand that can understand, someone who feels the same. When you live in a cookie-cutter world being different is a sin. So you don’t stand out, but you don’t fit in. Weird…”; about love: “It doesn’t mean love’s wrong just because you’re feeling low. And it doesn’t mean love’s gone ‘cause you feel that you want to let go. No one wrote in this book of love that you’d always know. I wish someone would have told me before…”; about life and struggle: “Everyone waits on a walk. Some are long and some small, but all of them tall. And everyone must make a choice – will I go for it all, and possibly fall? The tightrope is thin, I could possibly win on the walk…” They’re just the same as they were when they first showed up 10 years ago being merry 12-17 year old kids bombing concert halls with pop/rock’n’roll songs. The same in the sense that they never got false to themselves and yielded to the destructive influences of show biz placing show above music to snatch a large sum. They still write all the songs themselves, the songs in which they describe experience gained, life situations they got in, and conclusions drawn out. Their whole life passes before your eyes in their albums. They grow up, and the songs grow up with them. They become harsher, more serious, more mature. 10 years ago they sang about computer games, comics heroes, favourite toys, friendship, and other things that worry children. Now, they sing about problems of AIDS and poverty in Africa, about family and children (‘coz they all are married by now, and two of them have children), about the ‘many-sidedness’ of life and inability to grasp the whole of it, about music. What am I fascinated at? Someone else’s life? No. Sincerity! Music as a form of expression your inner state, your feelings and emotions – that’s the way it should exist. And it does exist in their songs. Unpretentious lines, with no definite rhyme structure make you imagine them saying the same if you got a chance to talk to them. Real names they often refer to make you deepen more into their world. And you don’t care that this song is dedicated to their friend, or a wife of one of them. It is devoted to a real person, close to them; the lines come out of the heart, that’s why it’s always easy to transfer it on to your friend or lover, ‘coz “we all are human”, and we all feel and suffer the same, although we might live in different countries all-around the world. To say nothing about rock’n’roll and rock/pop rhythms, so dear to my heart! They are masters of arrangement, and their versions of James Brown’s, Chuck Berry’s, Kingsmen’s, U2 songs are a marvel. The more you listen, the more you feel it could not be done better.

Tell me does it move you?
Does it soothe you?
Does it fill your heart and soul
With the roots of rock’n’roll?..

Every rock’n’roll lover has his face and his name of rock’n’roll. My face is called IKE-TAY-AND-ZAC. My name is called HANSON.

A train to childhood

Seeing your classmate 5 years after finishing school evokes indescribable feelings in you. Even though we met each other more than once since then - practically every year at an annual alumni meeting at school - and kept in touch via mobile. But today it was something special. We talked about nothing as usual, and it was not proper talk – it was a chat, one of a kind that two girls are common to produce when they meet up burning with desire to get free from a huge pile of information. Sharing photos, videos and news on the lives of other classmates. Olya does not seem to change over the years, and I constantly used to catch myself at the thought that every time I looked at her I saw…myself – 5,6,7,10 years ago!.. Maths lesson in front of our teacher’s Dutch colleagues. Lyosha and I are standing at the blackboard explaining the solution of some problem, and the teacher praises us for being the most rational in solution team. I have nothing to do with this success, ‘coz it was Lyosha who had solved the problem. He has always been top mathematician of our class. And I’m just an assistant. But I like the idea of being praised in Maths, the lesson at which I’m no way a leader. Make others believe you are clever, and you are on half the way to Gold Medal :) A common strategy of ‘academic survival’ that now carries a proud scientific name of “PR”… A trip to Rostov in the 10th grade. We’re all together, “A” class and our “B”, me, Olya, Zhenya, Lyosha, Seryozha, everyone. Zhenya and I are trying on Russian folk costumes and look like true boyarynias. Kirill and Rodik are not behindhand in similarity. Rodik’s even handed in a balalaika to get his image finished… It’s the times of first real problems with the teaching staff and parents, first real alcohol parties in a nightclub, first skipping lectures, and first love… First poems to appear to express my inner state, mainly melancholic-sounding. HE will never come to know about my feelings due to a number of evident reasons… Those great plays we used to stage with Katya’s Mom – golden days of our drama team!.. Those Farewell Party songs of “Where does our childhood go?” (“Kuda uhodit detstvo?”) type did not give a slightest idea of how important was the moment of parting with school life forever. We were all so smiley, in our beautiful ball dresses with fantastic hair-dos on our heads… Maybe it’s just TODAY that I fully realized that childhood is gone. Finishing school to be followed by university entrance exams, then university life to come next, new discoveries and relations, crazy student parties and still more crazy travels. Childhood seemed to continue. And now nothing more is left.. Nor even student life. Would I like to return to school days? YES, YES! NO!.. So much has been gained afterwards that I now wonder if I ever understood life before I finished school. Then what should we do? Simple. See our classmates, ‘coz seeing classmates is a train to childhood.

Everything IS possible?

5 minutes ago Alice said to me over the phone, “Don’t be that pessimistic about life. Why wouldn’t you join me in putting on rose-colored glasses?” – “You think it can be possible?” – “Of course! Everything is possible!” Is it?? Arkady and Denis lost each other when they were moving back from San Francisco, and Arkady only knew the name of the city where Denis got. But they met up in the street when we were strolling in nightly Yaroslavl!.. And why am I so sure that Alice will find Ruben in Holland?..

How far can a hope-coming-true-to-life go? And what does it depend on – coincidence or steady forwarding towards your goal? And how can I know for sure that this is meant to happen to me, and not to somebody else? And this feeling, like I need to be in another place, in that place – is it fate or just a trick of my imagination? Ah how I want my brain to be used to more than the average 10 per cent! Then I could possibly get the answers that would make my direction more distinct. And now… am I right to choose this way? Who knows…

A hole in the fence

Nothing’s ever done without consequences to follow, although you might not wish it at all. Simple example. I have run into an awful debt on my second mobile account which I use when I go abroad. I was not going to pay that debt, because it would be pretty easier just to buy another sim-card. So I was happily living until yesterday’s call from Katya: “Hey, is it your number xxxxx?” – “Yes.” – “You know that you owe 620 rubles /a little more than 20 baks/?” – “Yes. And whazzup?” – “Your sim-card is registered on me, and they started drawing the money out of my mobile account! So that now my mobile doesn’t function, ‘coz they have drawn out all the money!!!” I had to pay off the debt, no matter how strongly I disliked the idea. And got a reproof from Mom for my ‘unwarranted light-mindedness’… What I’m thinking now is that you may build the most inaccessible fence to hide the truth, but someday a hole will happen to appear where you will not expect it, and the truth will anyway come to light. But this time it will bring much more destruction that it could have, before you built the fence. Then why hiding the truth? Why not admitting your guilt and trying to correct the mistake straight away? Why not being honest?