Nowhere plans

Yesterday I read the book “Twilight” by Stephenie Meyer. I was reading it during my whole train journey back to Moscow in one breath, paying no attention to what was happening around – so deeply sank I into the book. The book is pure entertainment, but what a beautiful Love it depicts! It amazed me, astonished me - depressed me… I envy Bella, the heroine, so much! She has found her Love, great Love – Love that wipes off all the prejudices and breaks all the bars, Love that opens the doors between the two incompatible worlds – fire and ice, civilization and wildness, life and death. And even though it makes her walk on the tight rope, hurts her and makes her cry at times, she has no fear – she resolutely marches ahead, to horror, to his scary savage world, to him… And Love that Ed and Bella are covered with, is their reward, their recompense for all the sacrifices they do for each other.

Does such a Love exist in real life? Where is it? I long for it, I need it, I beg for it! Is there anywhere in the world the One who’s meant for me; the One who will one day tell me, “You are the most important thing to me now; the most important thing to me ever!”; the One who will take me by the hand and will never let it out; the One who will always be with me as a shelter, as a world for me to live in, as the Sun and the Moon, the Water and the Skies; the One who will be my Life, the One whom I’ll breathe… I need him NOW! I am dying slowly without him. I’m dying! I already love him; I am ready to give up all for him. But he doesn’t come. Does he exist? Does Love exist at all??

It took Ed about a hundred years to find Bella. It scares me. I am not immortal… And where’s the guarantee that I’ll find my match in my Time? No guarantee – just an everlasting Hope in God’s generosity. But do I deserve it?..

I have tons of unspent love and tenderness inside me. But the days go by, and still I don’t find that One to whom I’ll give my all, and more than that, much more than that!

“Maybe someday…” I’m tired of saying “someday”. I get on the trolley to go home through the nightly Moscow, lean my head to the window, and look – into nowhere… I always remember the video of Glyuk’OZA then where she’s singing, “Moscow does not believe the tears…” Who does?

“He’s a real nowhere man
Sitting in his nowhere land
Making all his nowhere plans for nobody…”

Making all my nowhere plans for nobody…