Mood

I was waiting these holidays so anxiously since I had so many plans promising me a fantastic time, and I hurried so much home on a Friday evening to start the weekend at once. But instead I got a bunch of offensive words, silence, days broken and a feeling of enormous guilt and regret inside. This feeling has not left me still by now, and I have a lot of questions to myself - and no answers. Or maybe I don’t feel like knowing the answers?.. Wished to talk to Polina yesterday hoping she will raise my mood. But she was sad herself, constantly asking, “Ah tell me am I gonna find my love in the end? Where does it wander, the feeling which they show in the movies?..” The only good thing of the whole weekend was seeing Mom and spending some time with her, her colleague and their pupils. They are so light, so happy, so cheerful!!! I forgot how to be like that… I stayed overnight with them and was even 20 min in advance to work today! That’s my absolute record. But I’m sitting here in my workplace by myself staring into the monitor… and don’t want nothing… Just wish to lock myself somewhere and never show up again or melt somewhere among those to whom I’m used to, like my close friends or relatives. Don’t want to see anybody new. It’s silly, and I try to fight it, have just sent an sms to Lyuba, “Do we have any party today, or we might just meet up?” But she does not respond… I can go home in the evening and pretend to be busy with some insignificant stuff like making a CD or downloading a movie or making dinner. But it will not put the heart of my worries at rest. Until I know what I want and what I need – what I don’t know yet…

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Где найти покой?
Это просто жизнь -
На уровне с игрой..."