How do we fall in love?

I remember when I was a schoolgirl and everyone was in love with somebody – except me - I wanted that ardently! “Why can’t I fall in love? What’s wrong with me?” This was the very thing I was thinking about when I bumped into that guy in the corridor. I knew something about him because a friend of mine was once hopelessly in love with that guy, but he was never interesting to me except for that. On that day I fastened my eyes on him and noticed he was cute. “Then maybe he?” This is how it all started, my unrequited love of 3 years for a guy who never knew about my feelings. The feelings faded away with the course of time after I could no longer see him on a day-to-day basis.

Now, looking back on those days I realize it was not love (though of course it was my “first love”). It arose from my desperate wish to fall for somebody which I totally succeeded in.

Falling in love for the sake of falling in love doesn’t work.

When being a freshman (freshgirl *lol*) I met this sophomore guy, head of Student Union of our faculty. Freshman group monitors were asked to gather for instructions at the long break. And there he came in his favourite brown suede jacket. I liked him so much immediately that my knees failed me. I kept on liking this guy for almost a year. We talked to each other from time to time and I guess we could have got cozy (at least have a number of dates resulting in sex), but I knew he would never look at me the way I wanted him to. I would be just another girl around him. Besides as time went by I realized he was too light-minded and primitive, even silly, and my interest in him perished.

Falling in love with the appearance doesn’t work.

When all of a sudden another man walked into my life - as a triumphant despite his young age for such a success, he stunned me. It stunned me. I see it clearly now that I was liking him for his achievements, for his status. Very often I was catching myself at the thought that I would like us to appear on some party together or sit in a bar or a restaurant, but in my dreams there was always someone else to notice us, discuss us with the others and maybe even envy us (me). I never imagined us being just together. I believe this is why I fell out of love so quickly, after 3-4 unpleasant situations, having got totally disappointed with him as a human being.

Falling in love because of something other than good looks doesn’t work.

I try to recollect what I felt exactly every time I fell in love anew. What did I feel then? What do you feel when you fall in love?

Last time it happened, more than a year ago, it was neither ‘my own kick’ nor a sudden ‘hit’, it was something different. I was acquainted to this guy for about a month by that time, we didn’t talk much and I knew very little about him. Once I was in a canteen with friends, we were having lunch, laughing and gossiping about somebody or something – as usual; he was on his way to the table to lunch with his friends. And when he was in the process of sitting down on the chair he noticed me. It’s funny; this scene which lasted a couple of seconds is still one of the brightest moments I’ve ever experienced in my life. His eyes got fixed to mine and he stood still half-bent ‘coz he was intending to occupy the chair, with the tray in his arms. Finally he recovered, joined his friends, but I was constantly catching his look. This was the first time our eyes met, and at this moment I felt that everything is different now, my whole life changed somehow, all of a sudden, but irreversibly, and unbelievable joy and tenderness filled my heart.

A lot has happened since that day. A lot has changed. He got married to his longtime girlfriend, became father of a baby girl, I got to know him better, well enough to know his nasty temper. We had a number of quarrels which resulted in not talking to each other for a long time. Still there has always been an invisible string between us. It’s like talking to each other without talking at all. And something else which I cannot explain. It hurt – then. Now it doesn’t. I seem to have got accustomed to live with it. I meet with other men, I know many of them like me, I spend a lot of time with my friends, I’m not lonely. Those friends of mine who know him think he’s a complete sh*t and I can understand them :) Did it change my opinion about him? Certainly, it did! Did I get disappointed with him as a man? Certainly, I did! Did it change my feelings? No! It’s not like having feelings for a person because how one can’t have feelings for him when he is so handsome or so decent. It’s having feelings for him as a person the way he is, having feelings for him despite of all his vices (and he is full on them believe me!). It’s only now that I realize the meaning behind a famous quote: “One loves not because of, but despite of something”.

I’ve recently read a funny Taurus horoscope and found a brilliant phrase there: “Taurus is characterized by unbelievable loyalty to people sh*t, this is why he is often unhappy in love” :)))

Just falling in love doesn’t work either!

Or maybe it does, and it is my problem that I want too much from it for myself. Someone wise once said, “We all want a love that we don’t deserve”.

How should one improve to deserve at least a tiny bit more mutual feeling?

I wish I knew it…

Something funny

I just wanted to share one funny thing that happened yesterday. I was walking with a friend along Tverskaya when suddenly a boy, a young man I'd better say, came up with an unexpected request: "Will you, please, adopt me?" Certainly, we burst out laughing. He was standing in front of us with his hands behind his back, and Lena, my friend, asked him, "What are you hiding there?" It was a cigarette... "No, we don't adopt smokers", was my answer. "But PLEEEEAAASE!!!" We exchanged a bit more phrases amidst laughter, and then the boy looked at us seriously and said, "Ok, I got it, you don't wanna adopt me. Well hey, I will have to steal her then anyway". And having said that, he grabbed me, raised me up and started carrying me away. I even was unable to resist, for I was laughing hysterically. "Lena, come take me doooown!" was the only thing I could produce. He finally released me. Of course. Said, "Byyyyyyee!", and walked off. Such a funny guy! Pickuper? Pickuper beginner? :)

But I need to thank this guy. The incident raised my mood, and it remained high until I went to bed :)

“I’ll never be nobody’s wife. It’s too bad, but hey, that’s me…”

We all are looking for something. The challenge is to guess what we are looking for, and guess right.

I had a friend from abroad. We got acquainted about a year ago when he visited Moscow and stayed at my place. We spent a great weekend together when he, I, and a bunch of my friends were walking entire day around Moscow ending it up in my favourite restaurant “Pancho Villa” to the sounds of Latino. When he returned home, we kept in touch, but it was … weird communication. He offered to meet some day again in St. Pete, and asked my opinion. I agreed. He asked what my boyfriend would think about it (it were still the times when I dated George) which was a totally strange question for me, since he was my friend and I could meet my friends without George’s permission. But what was funnier, he asked about the possible dates… next summer (and it was June 2008!). It made me smile, for how can one know his plans one year in advance! And he kept on asking one and the same question over and over again until he started irritating me with his prolixity. Finally I stopped answering. When George and I broke up for the first time in summer I met him on MSN, and we had a long friendly talk about it. He advised me on something. But then we got together again. And broke up forever less than half a year after that. Before going to Berlin Winter Camp I sent him a message asking about his plans for the New Year’s and if he wanted to come to Berlin as well. Instead, he sent me a hysterical mail why the hell I don’t answer him for months, and then simply send a message inviting him to Berlin. It was strange for me, since we were not close friends with whom I keep in touch almost on a daily basis, and I did not promise anything to him. When I returned from Europe we exchanged a couple of nasty mails. He claimed me not to be honest with him (!) because I was single from George, then again not, then single again… And the truth was not told to him… Should it be? (But it was the truth; it really went that way with George and I). There were moments when I thought he was mad. Finally we froze communication and removed each other from friends.

And I have already forgotten about it when last weekend at a party I bumped into an old acquaintance of mine who also knows this boy. He asked for 15 min. And told me that boy had always been in love with me – and I never knew it, he never told me, never hinted on it, I couldn’t even imagine that! – and now when we do not keep in touch he doesn’t know what to do, he’s bad… And for me he’s just a friend, just a nice chap to see from time to time… It’s a shame, but when that boy from the party mentioned his name, it took me about 10 min to understand who he was talking about, to remember…

There are two other friends of mine whom I don’t want to lose, and who are important for me. And I know they feel something, I read it in their eyes. But they know they’re just friends. And hopefully they will not risk our friendship. Otherwise I would lose them, and it’s the last thing on Earth I want!

I remember once one of them and I were on an escalator in the Metro talking about girls (he’s single, but is prospecting for a girlfriend). I said, “You meet up with different girls for so long, and still can’t find anybody to satisfy you. Do you know yourself what kind of girl you need?” And he answered, “A girl like you…” I offered to get him acquainted with one of my close friends, he agreed. We’ve been playing this game for months, but what do I do! I need him… as a friend! A close friend of mine! Am I selfish? But he himself never brings the conversation to the end, showing he takes up the rules I set. I don’t feel good about it, but I don’t wanna lose him.

And all these flash encounters I don’t want to move to some other level… SMS offers like, “I’ve seen your cell number on Hospitality, and would like to get acquainted with you if you don’t mind…” I don’t even have curiosity! I just want them all to leave me alone. But they keep on calling; keep on sending cell messages; keep on offering…

I’m tired. All these boys around – and none at the same time. Not a single person to touch my heart. Even George, we were together for a year and a half, and I never loved him. I have moved to another city when we met, and I probably just needed someone to help me get settled… Then I got accustomed to him, and our relations turned into a habit. That was it. Never love. Never passion.

I feel I need someone. But whom – I don’t know. Will I ever know it?

Yesterday after I returned from Polyglot meeting I finally finished Glukhovsky. The book is brilliant, although Mom and some other people called it ravings of a madman. One should not take the book ad litteram. It’s, you know, a fantasy thriller at first sight. But the deeper you sink into the novel, the more you view it as a philosophical, intellectual book about everything, and mainly about life and death and the way we see the world. Just like in “Metro 2033” his lyrical digressions left an everlasting impression, but the whole book is much more accurately written when compared to “Metro”, it is wider and deeper, like a huge box with no bottom, and a small cosmos in itself. Glukhovsky is a master of descriptions! If it’s an unpleasant evil scene or place then he makes it so disgusting and horrible that I’m afraid to sit in my flat alone when reading it :) If it’s reminiscences about the past, or reflections about life, he covers them with such lyricism that you feel tears filling your eyes. Or maybe I’m just too emotional :) Anyhow, I feel satisfaction inside me to bring one more story to the logical end.

Today morning on my way to the kitchen I fastened my eyes on a book “Twin Peaks” in the bookcase. This is the inheritance from Boris, our landlord, who did not want to take away his books, so that the whole bookcase in our flat is full of novels and stories. Of course, I heard this name, and of course, I heard about the TV series. But I never watched it. When it was broadcasted here, long ago, in 1995-1996, I was in the age of watching cartoons :) I started looking through the book which is a compilation of the diary of the murdered girl and the notes of the FBI agent sitting over her case. I somehow got interested, and the whole morning at work I was surfing the Net to know more about the TV series, ‘coz the book, although written after the TV series, is a kind of prequel to the main plot. It’s a pity I don’t have Internet at home since Monday, because neither me nor Katya found time this week to pay our Internet bills. I'm quite sad about it in the way that I cannot send a mail to some people... (Don't ask to whom, it's top secret ;) Today again I will not do it because I’m going to hang out with Natasha (I’ll be calling her Yaranchik here, not to mix her up with another friend of mine with the same name) and Zhenya. Hopefully tomorrow. Then I will immediately download the series and watch it. It seems to be another “X-Files” story, and I used to be a fan of “X-Files” in the far-off 90s :) Yeah I’m ‘keeping pace with the time’ watching a TV series shot almost 20 years back :) But… better late than never, is it not? ;)

Sign?

Today we were drinking coffee in Natasha’s room while our bosses were out at a meeting. And I forgot the cup at her table. She brought it to me with the words, “Ah, there’s a heart there, see?” The coffee grounds have clearly formed a heart at the bottom of the cup. Mmm… :) Is it a good sign telling me of a new romance awaiting in the near future? Let us hope… :)

"I don't want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need... 'Cause I just want you here tonight holding on to me so tight. What more can I do. Baby, all I want for Christmas is You..."

In the evening (as promised)

OK, so I’m home. 10:12 p.m. Not a record though; there were times when I used to leave the office after midnight and come home at around 1 a.m. The head is not aching that badly thanks to Citramon which I borrowed from Nastya before starting for home.

Today evening when writing a leave application, the HR head and I discovered that I haven’t yet even taken my vacations for the year 2007! To say nothing about 2008!!! It was a shock for us and a bomb for my boss :) Elena fell into a trance :) You should have seen the face with which she signed my vacation application from 26th Dec to 18th Jan :))) Now after that in 2009 I still have 4 days from 2007, 3 weeks from 2008 and 4 weeks for 2009 :))) Yesterday she told me, “I’m Terminator, I don’t take a rest”. Now she changed her mind – I’m a much bigger monster in terms of taking vacation then she or Max :)))

Spent a nice evening with the Polyglots yesterday. Generally I don’t have a chance to join their weekly Thu meetings ’coz of my Spanish class which is exactly on the same day and at the same time. But fall trimester has finally come to an end, and I could come to see the guys.

It was a laugh! Especially when Alberto started talking Russian. “Pochemu ti hahahala?” (in Eng that would sound something like “Why were you hahahaing?” which was actually “Why were you laughing?”). “Ti uhodish? Ti Stalin?” (“You’re leaving? You’re Stalin?”) It took the three of us – Natasha, Anya and me – quite some time to guess that “stalin” to him sounds the same with “ustali” which means “tired” LOL
Got acquainted with Anya finally. Had a curious discussion about one our common acquaintance from France. A very curious one :)

Actually it was planned as a Spanish week, but not a single Spanish-speaker came to the meeting to present the language, and all we had to do was playing games to guess the words the letters in which had intentionally been mixed. And talking other languages. Funny Russian for instance :)

Tista was writing Russian names in Hindi and Bengali. But I already have my name written in Hindi or Marathi (not sure) from Mahesh who sent to me long back.

When going home from the meeting, in a mini bus there was a totally mad person whom we all first took simply for an alcoholic, but in fact he was not drunk, he just was mad. He was talking non-stop about all sorts of odd stuff mixing politics, music, countries and extra-terrestrials. But what was curious about all that – he was linking absolutely illogical things in such a logical way that each next idea of his could be somehow connected with the previous one, even though they were about totally different notions. I was listening to him attentively admiring this wonderful capability. Besides, some of his phrases may be quoted even. Like, when he was addressing us, but of course nobody answered, everybody pretended not to hear, he said, “Hey you act as if you were in space. Though you haven’t paid 20 mio bucks for that! Now you owe me 20 mio!” GREAT, is it not? :)

That’s all news guess for now. I’m putting a full stop here and switching off to read a new Glukhovsky’s book.

Kisses

Weekend

It was my last visit to hometown this year. On Friday I was about to miss the train as usual, if it were not for Natasha who came up to me asking, “You still here? When is your train?” I looked at my watch: 6:19 p.m. The train is 7:05. Shit!.. Thank God I had a light bag with me, which enabled me to run fast. In the carriage a boy slumped into the seat in front of me. And looked strangely. No, he actually looked normally, but strangely in the fact that he gave me a look as if we were acquainted and as if he were waiting for my reaction. But I was tired to guess who he was even if we were acquainted (which is quite possible, speaking by how people tell my friends they know me and describe me in all the details – while I don’t remember them at all!). I closed my eyes and dropped off to sleep.

When sleeping I heard some more guys occupied the nearby seats talking to each other. In an hour I woke up, and immediately heard, “Yana!” somewhere from the right. There was Yura sitting, an acquaintance of mine, whom I got to know through my classmate and friend Misha about a year ago. We never met since then, but used to exchange messages on Vkontakte (Russian Facebook) from time to time. After seeing Yura, I immediately remembered the first guy who stared at me in the very beginning of the journey – his name was Lyonya, and I met him at the same party where I got to know Yura. They were traveling in a company of 3 – the third guy, Alexander, I did not meet him before, but he used to date one of my classmates (as I learnt from Yura in the train) and knew a bunch of other my acquaintances. There was a lot to talk and share with them since we went to the same school which they had finished 6 years before me. Of course I could not remember them at school because I was a 5th form baby when they left school, but the pupils change faster than school teachers and traditions :)

On Saturday I met with my girls quite spontaneously. I did not intend to meet any of my friends, I even didn’t tell anybody about my visit, because I had to do a lot of shopping and then Granny came to see me. But at 9 p.m. I was absolutely free and quite spontaneously messaged Ox on ICQ: “Hey Giffie, are you at home? Call me”. She was shocked :) And after a 30-min phone chat we spontaneously decided to go for a walk :) She has just quarreled with her bf, I have just broken off with mine – we had a lot to discuss, even though we met 2 weeks ago at her BDay. We had a brilliant walk! One of those which we used to have when I lived in Yaroslavl and we often wandered around the city centre or sat in a coffee place and shared our dreams, thoughts, our poems and songs… Those great days… When I did not spend my life in the stuffy office working for those who will unlikely value what I am doing. When I did not rent this messy old apartment in a shabby building. When I could devote a lot of myself to creative work and friends. The best ever time devotion :) I miss those days… But we have to go on. And we need to.

We discovered that we both want a tattoo with giraffe (other options were not even discussed heh)! If she comes here next weekend we will try to find something in Moscow to know the prices. I can’t explain how important this fact is for me. It is a symbol of our friendship, unity, way of life – everything! When last week I was feeling sad and told her, “Mm… I don’t know… Maybe because I’m afraid to be left alone”, she said, “Why alone? You have me and Raccoon. We will always be together”. I know. And I value. More than anything in this world I value my friendship with Giffie, Raccoon, Vlada, Polina, and Lyuba! I am the happiest person on the Earth to have friends who support me so much!

Later on Raccoon and Anya joined us. They were in a night club, but having learnt that I’m here, Raccoon decided to come. Thanks Alice! :) I haven’t seen Anya since the time we graduated. She’s now doing PG and lectures at our university. Got some news from her: one girl got married (my ex very good friend), one – reported missing…

Didn’t want to leave as usual. But I had to. Another working week. Another struggle with loneliness in a Big City. Another turn of a wheel of Life.

For the first time in so many months

Today morning I did something important. I stopped lying to myself. For the first time in so many months I stopped being afraid of losing the comfortable (‘coz I got used to it), but faked reality. I know the reasons why I did not put it to an end before – I feared. To be different from the mass around, to be an object of laughter. When the Heavens gave me tons and tons of signals to stop this self-delusion. While I was digging in myself deeper and deeper with each new prompt. It is my complex. Off with the complexes! For the first time in so many months.

Today morning I woke up renewed. I rose from the bed, switched on the laptop – and started typing. And the further I typed to him the more relief I was feeling. For the first time in so many months I am having absolute piece inside, when there’s nothing more to fight with, nothing more to fear to know about myself. ‘Coz today morning was the first time in so many months when I told the truth to myself. And I found relief. Finally. For the first time in so many months!

Since today morning I am not afraid of staying alone. For the first time in so many months I feel that I’ve got freedom from something that has been keeping me aloof from the world. When keeping pace with the life is so much important for me.

And I don’t feel the way I did in summer when we broke off ‘coz then I was not ready to admit this one so simple truth – I D-O-N’T L-O-V-E H-I-M! Well of course I do! But as a friend - more than a friend! Not as a man…

He will be happy. In his way. I will be. In my way. Each of us will choose his path. They are too different to be aligned. But you have to knock at so many doors and peep round so many corners to finally find what is meant for you, find someone who is your true match. And we have to make choices. To choose one thing and lose the other. I’ve made my choice today morning, for the first time in so many months.

Life is Sliding Doors all the time
Life is Crossroads we fall upon
Choose the Sun, and the Moon won’t shine
Choose the straight road, and you won’t turn
Choose Tomorrow, and you’ll lose Today
Choose the Skies, and you’ll lose this world
Nothing wastes love more than staying the same
It’s a go! And I speak, I speak farewell words…
I speak farewell words…
I speak farewell words!

PS I’m always with you wherever you are; I’m your good friend forever :)

Mood

I was waiting these holidays so anxiously since I had so many plans promising me a fantastic time, and I hurried so much home on a Friday evening to start the weekend at once. But instead I got a bunch of offensive words, silence, days broken and a feeling of enormous guilt and regret inside. This feeling has not left me still by now, and I have a lot of questions to myself - and no answers. Or maybe I don’t feel like knowing the answers?.. Wished to talk to Polina yesterday hoping she will raise my mood. But she was sad herself, constantly asking, “Ah tell me am I gonna find my love in the end? Where does it wander, the feeling which they show in the movies?..” The only good thing of the whole weekend was seeing Mom and spending some time with her, her colleague and their pupils. They are so light, so happy, so cheerful!!! I forgot how to be like that… I stayed overnight with them and was even 20 min in advance to work today! That’s my absolute record. But I’m sitting here in my workplace by myself staring into the monitor… and don’t want nothing… Just wish to lock myself somewhere and never show up again or melt somewhere among those to whom I’m used to, like my close friends or relatives. Don’t want to see anybody new. It’s silly, and I try to fight it, have just sent an sms to Lyuba, “Do we have any party today, or we might just meet up?” But she does not respond… I can go home in the evening and pretend to be busy with some insignificant stuff like making a CD or downloading a movie or making dinner. But it will not put the heart of my worries at rest. Until I know what I want and what I need – what I don’t know yet…

"Где найти ответ?
Где найти покой?
Это просто жизнь -
На уровне с игрой..."

Almost dead

Almost dead... Caught a cold several days ago and had to stay at home rather than enjoy life during the whole weekend. It was still worse 'coz I was at my hometown and could not have an opportunity to see friends or do as much as I could. And now... terrible cough every 3 seconds, so that I could barely eat my lunch today, nose running and headache turning head into a brick. But still have to stay at work and ... work. AWFUL! I'd prefer to jump to bed as soon as I finish work, but I need to buy pills to stop this cough and pay for the Internet... Ah... so many things to do... Don't want nothing and noone... Wanna sleep and not to wake up, for at least one week... Ah ease my pain! KILL ME!!!

My 'nice' morning

What a ‘nice’ morning I had today! I was fast asleep when George started waking me up, “I think it’s time to get up, come on, come on!” Yesterday I told him to be more firm at doing that ‘coz otherwise I would never get up myself. He sounded very resolved, and I got up and forwarded to the bathroom, slightly rocking on my way. George was still lying in bed seeing dreams. Then I crawled to the kitchen, opened the fridge and took some things for sandwiches. And I was just about to grasp the sandwiches I made when I suddenly looked up at the clock. 3:59. Noo!!! I thought something must be wrong with the clock, and went back to the bedroom and looked at the clock in my mobile phone – same! It’s not difficult to imagine my next reaction, “GEOOOOOOORGE, I WILL BITE YOU!!!” Sure I crashed down to bed right at that moment…

He said he must have seen it in his dreams that it was time to wake up. Very nice, isn’t it? ;(

Rrrr...

Rrrr... When I say, "No" - how can it mean "Yes" I wonder? And why should anybody take it as "Yes"?! I've been telling this word to him too many times in respond to his invitations, every time finding a reason not to go. If one's not a fool, he'd understand I don't want nothing with him!!! But this American keeps on calling and calling and calling me, worse than Turks who phone me too often with their invitations to Turkey (I think I need to delete my phone number from my HC profile). I don't know HOW to get rid of him, but I don't wanna start to offend, 'coz I'm bit of afraid, he really is sort of mad person... Right now he totally spoilt my mood for the evening... Hope the carpet cleaners will improve it. Or George. Well sure they will. Looking forward for the evening :)))

Stuff for home

I spent the whole weekend buying stuff for my apartment. On Saturday George and I returned home loaded with bags from IKEA and Ashan. On Sunday we went to HyperGlobus in Shchelkovo, a town in the Moscow region, 30-40 min from Moscow, to buy those things that we haven’t found on Saturday. It is such a pleasure to buy something for your living on your own money (even though I can’t afford buying beautiful expensive things that I certainly like), plan where you will put them, bring home and finally start using! As if these things open a new life before your eyes.You feel indescribable sensation washing them and finding a place for them. And you never feel tired when carrying them, no matter how heavy them might seem to you. Because they are YOURS! :) In Russia we use to say, "A burden of one's choice is not felt". The only sad thing is that I don’t have my own apartment, and every time I move to another one I will have to pack my things again and go. It’s the most important issue among all I face. The most complicated and the longest one. And it's almost impossible to solve this problem presently :(

STUPID

Forgot my glasses when hurrying to work (being late as usual). So now I am sitting in my computer chair stretching my neck as far towards computer as possible. But it doesn’t help much, ‘coz my working table is too wide :( That’s how it happens: you leave at home something to which you are accustomed, and in a rash turn into an absolutely helpless creature. Plus spoilt mood and irritation towards everything and everyone. Awful! Thank God, George is at home, and will soon bring me my glasses. I can’t start working normally until I get them. Maybe it’s time to think about contact lenses?.. Ah, why am I so disorganized?! :(((

“We are the champions my friend!!!”

I still don’t believe that we won the match “Russia-England”!!! 2:1 WOW!!!

The match was held here in Moscow yesterday, selection to EURO 2008, seems like the whole Russia watched it (either at the stadium, or sport bars, or at home stuck to the TV box) and prayed for victory. But nobody actually believed we were capable to win, ‘coz everyone knows that Russia can’t play good football :)

However yesterday match was more like hockey! We were great in defense, aggressive, good combinations… What has happened?! Nobody knows, but everyone’s happy!!! It’s like a holiday for us today, everyone’s congratulating each other, and yesterday Russia partied all night long :)

Now we have 2 more matches – with Israel next month, and with Andorra. But the most “dangerous” competitor is defeated yeah!

In my office we banked for either Russia or England. Russia was 10 rub. England – 20, ‘coz it seemed to be the most possible result. I banked for England, too. And I lost. But I’m happy that I’ve lost!!!

Roller coaster mood.

The mood during the day is like on a roller coaster ride. One moment you feel high, and the very next moment you get smashed.

I was so happy to find Vova finally in Moscow! We got to know each other through Yar hub in spring, and used to chat a lot nearly every day. Then we both discovered that we’re leaving our hometown for the capital, it’s just that he left a bit earlier. And I lost all the connection with him, since he changed a sim card in his mobile, and then I moved to Moscow and didn’t have the Internet for almost 2 months. And yesterday I suddenly met him on ICQ, we exchanged phone numbers, and he phoned me, so that we could finally talk to each other for half an hour. I was really on top of the world to find this great guy, my very good acquaintance.

Then Mom phoned. I wonder why she always acts as if she’s the centre of the world and everyone should do what she wants to! I knew she’s coming to Moscow with her colleagues to visit a theatre this Saturday, and I told her many times during the last 3 weeks not to buy the ticket for me, ‘coz I won’t have an opportunity to join them. First I wanted to go to Rybinsk with my friend, now the weather changed and we decided to stay in Moscow, but I still have other things to do. “I knew you will finally give up this stupid idea to go to Rybinsk”, she says. /She always finds my every idea crazy and stupid, but I don’t care/ “So I bought a ticket for you”. – “Why Mom? I told you I have other plans!” – “Because you must go to the theatre, ‘coz I think if you went to the Variety Show Theatre /she considers it to be a non-serious place to visit./ then you will go to this theatre, too” – “Yes, I’d love to, but I don’t have time on that day, I told you!” – “Then we’ll lose the money spent on that ticket” – “But WHO told you to buy it? Why do you always act the way you wish to? Haven’t I told you I won’t join you?!” – “You’re a rascal!!! Don’t come to Yaroslavl any more, I don’t want to see you…” etc etc. WHERE IS MY FAULT??? AM I TO BE BLAMED??? WHY DOES SHE ALWAYS BEHAVE AS IF I AM HER PET???

Now I don’t know what to do… I wanted to go to IKEA and do some household things with George. But now I know I won’t have peace in my soul, ‘coz I will be thinking about that damned ticket and Mom upset for me (even though there’s no actual reason for that!)… Wish to phone Granny and talk to her. Really do wish to. I think I’ll do it today in the evening…

A talk with a Militia man.

It should have happened someday, but as usual it happened right when it was last thing you expected to occur. A nice couple came to visit me (a girl from Novosibirsk and her boyfriend from Hungary), plus George came after university, and we all went to the supermarket to buy something for dinner. And when we were walking downstairs we came across two men accompanied by the Boss of our house – one too wish-to-know-all-about-neighbours Granny.

The man asks me,
“Do you live here?”
“Yes”
“Then your documents, please”
“What for?”
“I’m your district Militia man, please, your documents”
“They are in the apartment, and I’m in a hurry, there’s another person there, she will show you the docs”
“NO, I need your documents, NOW”
“Aaaaalright…” I turned round and walked back to the apartment for the docs.
“There’s no need to act as if you’re doing me a favour”, says the voice from behind.

The Granny hurried to put a word in, “Ah, new neighbours – and a whole crowd!”
“We don’t live here, we just came to visit her”, George says.

The next few minutes I’ve been passed through an interview.
- Do you live here?
- Are you registered here on this address?
- What’s the purpose of your staying here?
- Whose things are all that?
And blah blah blah.
Finally he said, “OK, no more questions to you, you may be free” AS IF I HAVEN’T BEEN ONE BEFORE!!! SHIT!!!

But when I went out of the apartment I had to pass through another interview. The Militia men learnt that Imre was a foreigner, and he was not registered. F*ck, I hate our stupid system! Why can’t a person just come and visit the country?! Why do we, Russians, have to be registered in Moscow, the capital of the state where we all were born? We are also Russians, and we HAVE a right to move within Russia – what the hell?!

Everyone kept silence. I felt like I needed to say something to rescue the guys,
“They are just my friends who came to visit me, that’s all” I do all my best to smile drowning the desire to punch them at their faces (although I’m a girl and I’m not supposed to act like that, but damn all the prejudices, I really wished that!)
“Where did you get to know each other?”
“Through one international organization…” I tried hard to recollect the name of any organization
“Which one?”
“Eh.. MitOst” We never chanced to meet through MitOst sure, but it was the first organization that slipped from my tongue.
“What is this organization responsible for? Red Cross-type?”
“No, it’s an organization to unite Eastern and Western Europe and establish friendly ties among the states”
“Well ok, ok… I just need to know if it’s a sect or not”
“OF COURSE NOT!!! It’s sponsored by Reichstag!!!”
Ha-ha-ha it never was financed by Reichstag, but I simply stopped controlling myself :) Anyway the phrase sounded very impressive, and the Militia men gave up and set us free.

Imre was totally shocked. That was his first impression of Russia. We tried to calm him down as much as we could. And after that we get surprised with the world’s attitude towards Russia!!! When even Russian citizens born here are treated like undesirable guests in the capital having no right to anything.

SIMPLY NO COMMENTS.

Crazy morning

SHIT I missed the work-start by sleeping!!!

Yesterday I was so happy to return home and find no one there (which is such a rare thing, ‘coz there’s always someone in my apartment, my guests, or Katya’s). Didn’t have much time to enjoy my happiness though, ‘coz it was 1 a.m. already and I was hell sleepy. The Internet did not work, George did not send me the password to my lap top that he had changed, and I decided to give all the fluff and go to bed. Making plans for tomorrow morning…

The sms signal broke my dreams. I stretched my hands for the mobile, but I didn’t look at the sms text – what brought me to a standstill is the time: 8:47… Work starts at 9:00… Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!.. I don’t remember WHEN I got ready for work so quickly last time. No breakfast, no bed-making, just putting any more or less appropriate (for the office) clothes I found – and rushing out of the house at cosmic speed… Sleeping while running… But still late for 40 minutes ((( Now I have to sit in the office until 6:40 p.m. Which means I will have just 2-something hours to pack my things for Nizhniy (leaving at night for a weekend to visit Vlada).

And loads of work as a nice addition to this nice morning of mine (

The only 2 good news is that Mom has solved the problems with my mobile tariff and they will stop taking money for incoming calls, and that George will come and make a dinner for me to feed me while I will prepare for the trip ))

By the way, that magic sms that has woken me up was from Gabi))) Thanx friend, what would I do without you? ) JUST HUUUUUGE THANX FOR EVERYTHING!!!

Avril Lavigne. October 5, 2007

The concert followed her performance at RMA Ceremony on October 4 where she won in the nomination “Best Foreign Singer”. It was held in a new club “B1 Maximum” specially built to organize concerts of famous singers/groups from abroad. “Chemical Brothers”, Brian Ferry, Marilyn Manson, Alice Cooper, East 17 (I didn’t know they still exist), and “Funeral For A Friend” coming soon, too.

I arrived 2 hours in advance hoping to get a good place (mine was entrance ticket to the dance floor). But when I came, I saw a queue to enter the club stretching for not less than a kilometer! Mostly students, some teenagers even accompanied by their parents. Behind me stood a girl and a father talking about music. The father is a typical representative of a hippy trend so popular here in the 70s. And although he looked now absolutely average, the traces of hippy past could easily be read in his every word and gesture. He said to his daughter, “I’m so happy that you listen to rock and not to some popsa” (“popsa” is an offensive name for pop music). I envied the girl. My Dad does not like music at all, and Mom understands only classics being a classical musician, and I’ve always faced hurts and opposition on her side when I went to some non-classical music concert or simply switched on a music radio at home. And never did any of them accompany me to any concert of modern music! Always alone or with a friend, but mostly alone, ‘coz none of my friends want to spend 70 dollars for a concert. And I can’t count money when it comes to music that I like. Or just music.

When I entered the concert hall I saw a crowd of people occupying the very middle of the club space. I first tried to squeeze as closer to the stage as I could, but then gave up these efforts and left the crowd. But I saw some vacant place to the right – and oh God! There was a place in the first row, but a bit to the right from the middle! It was absolutely no problem, ‘coz I could see the whole concert and Avril was very close. Besides most of the guys tried to get closer to the middle, and those standing in the centre of the first row suffered greatly. Some lost conscience, and some even broke arms-legs because of the guys pressing them from behind. I also suffered this pressure, but the only consequence of it was my aching body the whole day following the concert. But it was a trifle when compared to a great show seen :)

What is the English word for the performance of another group before the main performance of the main group/singer? We call it “razogrev” in Russian (“warming up” or “heating” the crowd). Some group showed up on the stage with a nice blonde to be lead vocalist. She sang a number of absolutely weird and loud songs so that everyone wondered who the hell could compose such queer things. Then rather a nice song was performed, and I thought it could be a hit. Anyway I was sure this group could be some more or less known one if they warm up the crowd before Avril’s concert. But no one knew it. The questions, “Who are they?” were heard here and there. And only when they reached the last song of their performance we all understood who was standing on the stage – “Masha i Medvedi” (“Masha and the Bears”), a famous rock band of the end of the 90s, and the song was a great hit. The only thing about it was that they all were totally bald those days (including the girl), and now she’s a blonde, and no one recognized her. “Masha, please, never cut your hair again!!!” some guy shouts from the crowd. Everyone nods and smiles. “Yeah you look great with this blond hair!”

And finally the main show started!!! There’s no need to mention the crowd bursting at the sight of Avril, screaming and shouting, cameras, journalists occupying the area in front of the stage for the first song performance. I waved my hand to all TV cameras :) The only problem’s that I don’t know where and when to watch me :))) She opened her program with “Girlfriend” dancing with her ballet. And during the whole concert performed most of the songs from her fresh album plus everlasting hits like “Complicated” and “Sk8er Boy”. She changed dresses thrice, and microphones, played the electro guitar in two songs, and at the very end went down to us and the first row (including me!) could touch her hand :))) She’s so small!!! I’m small, but she’s smaller than me – not taller than 155 cm!!!

When the concert finished Security did not allow the crowd to leave until Avril’s team left the club. And even after that they allowed the people to leave in small groups – 10-11 people at a time. Of course there was a mess ‘coz everybody wanted to get home and got furious. I did not hope to get home by Metro judging the crowd that gathered at the exit door. But when I squeezed somewhere from the right, Security guy looked at me and said, “Don’t let anybody. Only let this girl pass”. COOL! What was special about me I wonder?! But I was pleased much :)))

I arrived at my Metro station already at 1 a.m. I hate passing the selling tents standing here and there near the Metro. But I had to… “Girl, please stop, stop, where are you hurrying?” Oh nooooo, I knew it would be like that… Some drunken male figure forwarded in my direction. “Hello” – “I’m in a hurry” – “Noooo, wanna go to drink something with me, or may I see you off home?” – “NO! I am in a hurry, ‘coz I’m tired and I want to sleep!!!” – “No, stop, stop, let me talk to you for a minute”. – “You’ve got just 1 minute. Talk!” – “Eh eh… I was trying to catch you during 3 days. But every time you hurried so that I could not catch you…” – “Oh yes, especially taking into consideration the fact that all those days I came home from another Metro station, ah?!” – “I am a psychologist, and I read mistrust in your eyes” – “Happy for you. What else do you expect to read there?” – “I am a Militia man!” – “You said you are a psychologist!” – “I will show you my license!!!” Great! What next? I’ve fallen upon a Militia man, what a luck!!! :(((( “I don’t need your license. I need to go home. Or… I will phone home now and…” – “Nothing will happen to you and your family! I am a Militia man!” This talk-of-nothing lasted for half an hour, until I finally said, “It’s not a good time to get acquainted. Let’s meet tomorrow at 1 p.m. near the Metro”. He nodded with his drunken head, and left. I hate going home alone at night! It always goes this way!!! Sure I never came, this goes without saying :)

Here I need to put a full stop to the story about my going to Avril’s concert. Wish to put dots, but will she come again who knows? Singers come and go. It might happen that no one would remember her name in 2 years. We should value this very moment whatever comes next. And whoever.

RMA 2007 (MTV Awards Russia). October 4, 2007

Usually the most-expected October event here until it finally takes part for everyone to see once again that like always it’s total rubbish :) This time it was held in a new Ice Palace on Hodynskoe Field (Hodynka), specially built for the last year World Cup Hockey. Advertisements loading TV and radio, huge colorful posters all around Moscow…

I left work 1 hour earlier to be on time to see the stars getting out of their cars and walking along the Red Carpet. I did not see many of them, ‘coz I had a ticket to the show, and I had to choose – whether to stand in the rain and watch the stars coming, or have a glance at it and go and watch the concert. Besides there were plenty of young people and journalists crowding the passage to the Red Carpet, and there was no chance for us to get closer. We were looking down from the 2nd level passage, like from a balcony, but thank my digi cam, it has big amplification. There was a stage right in the street in front of the Palace where some of the artists performed before the show. I noticed Aleksa standing behind this stage with her dancers, waiting for their turn to come out. Then a pompous limousine arrived and a glamorous girl came out sticking her chewing gum to the limousine roof – brrr, disgusting! Somebody said it was Slava. Who the hell is Slava?? I don’t care. Then there was a grand ‘traffic jam’ before the Palace, and the stars could not settle who would be the first one to come. Some lost patience, and walked out of the cars far from the Red Carpet and came on foot. Such were “Fabrika” girls (they had a small photo session before it, right in the street), “Otpetye Moshenniki” (two of them actually – Sergey Amoralov with some girl, and Garik). Some good-looking young guy even came up to the fans standing behind the fence and spent some time on autographs. But few people paid attention to what he was doing. Probably because of that the poor lad decided to reach the fan space :) Only at the show I learnt that he was a newly-made MTV star, singer and actor, from some teen soap “Alisa’s Dreams” (“Mechty Alisy”) where he played the leading part – Alexey Vorobyov. He is no way interesting, ‘coz he’s just like all other sweet pop guys of whom everyone is completely sick and tired by now. We have Bilan and Lazarev. That’s more than enough. Everyone was waiting for HER. Paparazzi tried to guess the car where she was sitting, but their efforts kept on failing, at least when I was watching it. After 40-something minutes I left the Red Carpet area, and went to search for my seat.

The show did not start even 30 minutes after the fixed time, and everybody started worrying when it would start and thus be over, ‘coz many were to go home by the Metro and the Metro passages were closing at 1 am. “Mumiy Troll” opened the ceremony with a mix of old and new songs, every next text competed the previous one in the degree of senselessness. I just wonder how one can compose such lines, or in which state one can compose such lines, or in which state one has to be to sing what he has composed in the state he was then!!! :)) Finally closer to 8 p.m. (instead of 7!) the Palace saw the show leaders – Anna Semenovich (ex-“Blestyashcie” girl, and ex-figure skater, too) and Pavel Volya (“Comedy Club). Their appearance started a shocking stream of dirt which continued to increase with every new singer or group showing up. I still can’t forget the dialogue between Sergey Zverev (an epatage showman and a hair-stylist) and Irena Ponaroshku (MTV VJ): “I know Sergey you envy my hair-stylist ‘coz he’s capable to cut my hair in such a cool way!” – “What I know is that he’s absolutely incapable to cut the hair on your mink in a cool way!” AND THERE WERE CHILDREN WATCHING THE SHOW!!! During the whole ceremony they were discussing the boobs of Semenovich, and Irena even asked for her permission to touch them at the end of the ceremony. Well we are becoming more and more like Americans with their vulgar way of leading ceremonies… What I wonder now is whether they think we are such morons not to react to any cleverer joke, or they are morons themselves not to be able to write a wiser script for the ceremony?!

But I didn’t care. I came for HER like most of the people, and I was waiting for HER. In the middle of the ceremony I received an sms from Mom who was watching RMA through direct broadcasting: “How can you watch this shit? No voices, no culture, to say nothing about howlers of VJs! I’m shocked of your music taste!!!” Yes, I can understand her reaction. She was 100% right.

There was Bilan and with a premier of his song “Amnesia” performed together with Timbaland (not a bad one, by the way). There was some group “Boycott” performing a song with Turbo B. There were Maksim, Band’Eros, Stasya, Alexey Vorobyov, Chelsea. Talking about Chelsea, Volya said a cool thing: “These guys want fame so much that they even decided to name themselves after the favourite soccer team of a man whom you all know. Hoping to get money from him, too. But judging by the fact that they did not win in any nomination – he gave no money to them by this time!” GREAT! :) I also liked his commentary to the victory of Bianca in the nomination “Best Hip Hop/R&B Project” /Bianca does not rap, she sings very pop songs with some slight hints on R&B/ “Liga’Lize /a famous Russian rapper, probably one of the best ones here/ is weeping backstage, and the whole Russia weeps with him – the best HIP-HOP project is Bianca!!!” :))) Liga’Lize also performed somewhere in the middle of the ceremony. Also “A-Studio”, “Tokio”, “Serebro” and a big present for the audience was a performance of all members of “Blestyashchie” of all times (including Olga Orlova, Zhanna Friske, Anna Semenovich – they are all solo singers now, Friske is the most famous among them). Zhanna Friske introduced her sister Natasha who’s a new member of the group. Others I just don’t remember… AND FINALLY at the end of the ceremony they were greeting Best Foreign Singer – HER, AVRIL!!! And she was giving a small 15-20 min. performance. The only live performance among all!!! “Sk8er Boy”, “Complicated”, “When You’re Gone”, “Girlfriend”. This was her first and long-awaited by all her fans (including me) visit to Russia. Next day she was giving a solo concert in “B1 Maximum”. But that’s another story. I don’t want to deepen into detail descriptions of everyone and everything, just wanted to provide you with a brief overview of where I’ve been and whom I’ve seen. I left right after Avril’s performance. Could not stand the dirty jokes of the VJs. But anyway I was satisfied. I saw Avril, and felt like I was a part of something special for Russia, even if it was not a thing of a good quality. But where can you find quality when we talk about show biz? (Sure “Hanson” is the exception.)

What I thought about during the whole ceremony is that any of my friends could perform not worse (or even better) than all these girls and guys who chanced to get a powerful show biz rat promoting their mediocre songs. “We’ll be together forever ... Oh yeah… Just say ‘yes’!” (“My budem vmeste vsegda… Oh yeah… Skazhi tolko ‘da’) God! What’s this shit about?? No more comments… Russia truly needs an independent company that would forward independent singers and groups who are not lucky to be sons and daughters of rich papas, but who really love music and can do a good performance without dirt, flam and clownishness. Once we have it, we will be right to say, “Yes, we do have show business in Russia”.