“I’ll never be nobody’s wife. It’s too bad, but hey, that’s me…”

We all are looking for something. The challenge is to guess what we are looking for, and guess right.

I had a friend from abroad. We got acquainted about a year ago when he visited Moscow and stayed at my place. We spent a great weekend together when he, I, and a bunch of my friends were walking entire day around Moscow ending it up in my favourite restaurant “Pancho Villa” to the sounds of Latino. When he returned home, we kept in touch, but it was … weird communication. He offered to meet some day again in St. Pete, and asked my opinion. I agreed. He asked what my boyfriend would think about it (it were still the times when I dated George) which was a totally strange question for me, since he was my friend and I could meet my friends without George’s permission. But what was funnier, he asked about the possible dates… next summer (and it was June 2008!). It made me smile, for how can one know his plans one year in advance! And he kept on asking one and the same question over and over again until he started irritating me with his prolixity. Finally I stopped answering. When George and I broke up for the first time in summer I met him on MSN, and we had a long friendly talk about it. He advised me on something. But then we got together again. And broke up forever less than half a year after that. Before going to Berlin Winter Camp I sent him a message asking about his plans for the New Year’s and if he wanted to come to Berlin as well. Instead, he sent me a hysterical mail why the hell I don’t answer him for months, and then simply send a message inviting him to Berlin. It was strange for me, since we were not close friends with whom I keep in touch almost on a daily basis, and I did not promise anything to him. When I returned from Europe we exchanged a couple of nasty mails. He claimed me not to be honest with him (!) because I was single from George, then again not, then single again… And the truth was not told to him… Should it be? (But it was the truth; it really went that way with George and I). There were moments when I thought he was mad. Finally we froze communication and removed each other from friends.

And I have already forgotten about it when last weekend at a party I bumped into an old acquaintance of mine who also knows this boy. He asked for 15 min. And told me that boy had always been in love with me – and I never knew it, he never told me, never hinted on it, I couldn’t even imagine that! – and now when we do not keep in touch he doesn’t know what to do, he’s bad… And for me he’s just a friend, just a nice chap to see from time to time… It’s a shame, but when that boy from the party mentioned his name, it took me about 10 min to understand who he was talking about, to remember…

There are two other friends of mine whom I don’t want to lose, and who are important for me. And I know they feel something, I read it in their eyes. But they know they’re just friends. And hopefully they will not risk our friendship. Otherwise I would lose them, and it’s the last thing on Earth I want!

I remember once one of them and I were on an escalator in the Metro talking about girls (he’s single, but is prospecting for a girlfriend). I said, “You meet up with different girls for so long, and still can’t find anybody to satisfy you. Do you know yourself what kind of girl you need?” And he answered, “A girl like you…” I offered to get him acquainted with one of my close friends, he agreed. We’ve been playing this game for months, but what do I do! I need him… as a friend! A close friend of mine! Am I selfish? But he himself never brings the conversation to the end, showing he takes up the rules I set. I don’t feel good about it, but I don’t wanna lose him.

And all these flash encounters I don’t want to move to some other level… SMS offers like, “I’ve seen your cell number on Hospitality, and would like to get acquainted with you if you don’t mind…” I don’t even have curiosity! I just want them all to leave me alone. But they keep on calling; keep on sending cell messages; keep on offering…

I’m tired. All these boys around – and none at the same time. Not a single person to touch my heart. Even George, we were together for a year and a half, and I never loved him. I have moved to another city when we met, and I probably just needed someone to help me get settled… Then I got accustomed to him, and our relations turned into a habit. That was it. Never love. Never passion.

I feel I need someone. But whom – I don’t know. Will I ever know it?