Weekend

It was my last visit to hometown this year. On Friday I was about to miss the train as usual, if it were not for Natasha who came up to me asking, “You still here? When is your train?” I looked at my watch: 6:19 p.m. The train is 7:05. Shit!.. Thank God I had a light bag with me, which enabled me to run fast. In the carriage a boy slumped into the seat in front of me. And looked strangely. No, he actually looked normally, but strangely in the fact that he gave me a look as if we were acquainted and as if he were waiting for my reaction. But I was tired to guess who he was even if we were acquainted (which is quite possible, speaking by how people tell my friends they know me and describe me in all the details – while I don’t remember them at all!). I closed my eyes and dropped off to sleep.

When sleeping I heard some more guys occupied the nearby seats talking to each other. In an hour I woke up, and immediately heard, “Yana!” somewhere from the right. There was Yura sitting, an acquaintance of mine, whom I got to know through my classmate and friend Misha about a year ago. We never met since then, but used to exchange messages on Vkontakte (Russian Facebook) from time to time. After seeing Yura, I immediately remembered the first guy who stared at me in the very beginning of the journey – his name was Lyonya, and I met him at the same party where I got to know Yura. They were traveling in a company of 3 – the third guy, Alexander, I did not meet him before, but he used to date one of my classmates (as I learnt from Yura in the train) and knew a bunch of other my acquaintances. There was a lot to talk and share with them since we went to the same school which they had finished 6 years before me. Of course I could not remember them at school because I was a 5th form baby when they left school, but the pupils change faster than school teachers and traditions :)

On Saturday I met with my girls quite spontaneously. I did not intend to meet any of my friends, I even didn’t tell anybody about my visit, because I had to do a lot of shopping and then Granny came to see me. But at 9 p.m. I was absolutely free and quite spontaneously messaged Ox on ICQ: “Hey Giffie, are you at home? Call me”. She was shocked :) And after a 30-min phone chat we spontaneously decided to go for a walk :) She has just quarreled with her bf, I have just broken off with mine – we had a lot to discuss, even though we met 2 weeks ago at her BDay. We had a brilliant walk! One of those which we used to have when I lived in Yaroslavl and we often wandered around the city centre or sat in a coffee place and shared our dreams, thoughts, our poems and songs… Those great days… When I did not spend my life in the stuffy office working for those who will unlikely value what I am doing. When I did not rent this messy old apartment in a shabby building. When I could devote a lot of myself to creative work and friends. The best ever time devotion :) I miss those days… But we have to go on. And we need to.

We discovered that we both want a tattoo with giraffe (other options were not even discussed heh)! If she comes here next weekend we will try to find something in Moscow to know the prices. I can’t explain how important this fact is for me. It is a symbol of our friendship, unity, way of life – everything! When last week I was feeling sad and told her, “Mm… I don’t know… Maybe because I’m afraid to be left alone”, she said, “Why alone? You have me and Raccoon. We will always be together”. I know. And I value. More than anything in this world I value my friendship with Giffie, Raccoon, Vlada, Polina, and Lyuba! I am the happiest person on the Earth to have friends who support me so much!

Later on Raccoon and Anya joined us. They were in a night club, but having learnt that I’m here, Raccoon decided to come. Thanks Alice! :) I haven’t seen Anya since the time we graduated. She’s now doing PG and lectures at our university. Got some news from her: one girl got married (my ex very good friend), one – reported missing…

Didn’t want to leave as usual. But I had to. Another working week. Another struggle with loneliness in a Big City. Another turn of a wheel of Life.

For the first time in so many months

Today morning I did something important. I stopped lying to myself. For the first time in so many months I stopped being afraid of losing the comfortable (‘coz I got used to it), but faked reality. I know the reasons why I did not put it to an end before – I feared. To be different from the mass around, to be an object of laughter. When the Heavens gave me tons and tons of signals to stop this self-delusion. While I was digging in myself deeper and deeper with each new prompt. It is my complex. Off with the complexes! For the first time in so many months.

Today morning I woke up renewed. I rose from the bed, switched on the laptop – and started typing. And the further I typed to him the more relief I was feeling. For the first time in so many months I am having absolute piece inside, when there’s nothing more to fight with, nothing more to fear to know about myself. ‘Coz today morning was the first time in so many months when I told the truth to myself. And I found relief. Finally. For the first time in so many months!

Since today morning I am not afraid of staying alone. For the first time in so many months I feel that I’ve got freedom from something that has been keeping me aloof from the world. When keeping pace with the life is so much important for me.

And I don’t feel the way I did in summer when we broke off ‘coz then I was not ready to admit this one so simple truth – I D-O-N’T L-O-V-E H-I-M! Well of course I do! But as a friend - more than a friend! Not as a man…

He will be happy. In his way. I will be. In my way. Each of us will choose his path. They are too different to be aligned. But you have to knock at so many doors and peep round so many corners to finally find what is meant for you, find someone who is your true match. And we have to make choices. To choose one thing and lose the other. I’ve made my choice today morning, for the first time in so many months.

Life is Sliding Doors all the time
Life is Crossroads we fall upon
Choose the Sun, and the Moon won’t shine
Choose the straight road, and you won’t turn
Choose Tomorrow, and you’ll lose Today
Choose the Skies, and you’ll lose this world
Nothing wastes love more than staying the same
It’s a go! And I speak, I speak farewell words…
I speak farewell words…
I speak farewell words!

PS I’m always with you wherever you are; I’m your good friend forever :)

You Make Me Strong

My fingers hit the keyboard in the Studio
Another melody is born for you
And what I'm shy to say you hear in this new audio
In all the hard times music brought me through
Don't wanna turn to the days before our knowing
I seemed to be asleep for so long
And weak I held out until I heard your spirit calling
It was the first time I felt I was strong

I used to run away from the chasing crowd
Then made back for its acclaim once more
My life was face and face and face around (all around)
But not a single face I really saw
You helped me to open up my eyes tight-closed
And look at the world to which I belong
This shutting off didn't make me as safe as I supposed
'Coz it's just with you that I feel really strong

Through the cloud-burst and smoke
I see life like Wonderland
Stirrin' up one's lurking hope
Sayin' your chances have no end
And I advance with resolute step
And I've no fear of being wrong
'Coz whenever troubles happen
You make me strong

How skillfully fate plays with our souls
First it knocks you down and then gives wings to fly
My gloomy yesterdays are spilling over tomorrows (bright tomorrows)
And I wonder what I've done to go so high
And if someday you say what I hear often,
'You know what, I'd better be movin' along'
I won't reply - I'll go after (ever after)
'Coz I want to go with you, you make me strong!

Through the cloud-burst and smoke
I see life like Wonderland
Stirrin' up one's lurking hope
Sayin' your chances have no end
And I advance with resolute step
And I've no fear of being wrong
'Coz whenever troubles happen
You make me strong

You make me feel mighty when I'm falling
You make me be rocket when I'm crawling
You make my heart sink in rock sound ever
And I pray for this feeling lasts forever

Through the cloud-burst and smoke
I see life like Wonderland
Stirrin' up one's lurking hope
Sayin' your chances have no end
And I advance with resolute step
And I've no fear of being wrong
'Coz whenever troubles happen
You make me strong

And I advance with resolute step
And I've no fear of being wrong
'Coz whenever troubles happen
You make me strong

Who Sold The Book?

Once a small boy came up to his Father
Asking the question him to bother,
'Where can we find, Daddy, on what pages
What we should do to be good?'
Down came the grave voice filling the study,
'Long time ago there lived Somebody
He was as wise as Seven Sages
His home was heart of the wood

He knew where soft sunbeams were running
When thunderclaps approached stunning
He knew the song of every martlet
He knew dreams of the Tide
Once he made up his mind to mould
Of all that he knew one single whole
He bound a Book adorned with a starlet
And hid the World inside

He gave up one page to every being
One page to every thought and feeling
One page to every nature's wonder -
A million pages it took
He brought the Book to the people's bower
So that they'd use its Magic Power
But asked one thing to avoid blunder -
Never to sell the Book

The Sun changed the Moon, but life's not forever
The Man found his rest high up in Heaven
His Sacred Book was left with the people
For many centuries more
Turnin' its pages grew into a habit
But they forgot what it was aimed at
They whipped away the piety wimple -
Memory's short when you have no core

As time went by they found it needless
Just a passing glance at it was hideous
They sought the means to get rid of it
And the one who seeks finds a way
Two evil hands held out a coin,
'Dime for the Book' - 'Deal' - hands to join
Heaven got by the storm-clouds folded
There came another Day

Trees lost their blossom under poison
The wall painted blood has hid horizon
Wars seized the Planet, Hate took the Soul
With bombs set off here and there
Dry tears of those who lost their homes
And of the diseased terrific moans
A walk in the dollar rain's a goal -
That's our fair share...'

The small boy was sittin' still by his Father
And deep in their thoughts they looked at each other
And bitter tears were rolling down the boy's cheeks
Through weeping a whisper came,
'But how can I mend the Book of Planet
And hide far so that no one could sell it
Protect it from someone else's mean tricks
With whom should I share the blame?'

Father again laid aside his Sunday,
'You're part of this Sacred Volume, Sonny
And it was waiting through the ages
For your coming in this World
You live your life the way you feel it
But always follow your kindly spirit
And don't do harm to other pages
Then your life will cost for gold!'

The Boy lived his life without snivel
Paid Good for Good, and Good for Evil
Melted the ice of spiteful stare
With his soft, tender look
But from time to time when the night seemed endless
He would give way to his deep sadness
Gaze at the skies and rend the air
Asking, 'Who sold the Book?'

Mmm, who sold the Book...

10 000 Heroes

With a knapsack slung you walk down the Highway
Suckin' road dust, watchin' cars that pass
In these cars you see so much different stories
Tryin' to fit on yourself so much different lives

And you won't stop all this image hunt
Till you see what you don't see so far -

You can try to play 10 000 heroes
But there is one who you are

You're a recent grad from a province town
For a better life heading to St.Pete
Or a 'golden boy' driving a long-legged blondie
With a cocaine smile in your shiny Jeep

You'll never stop all this image hunt
Till you see what you don't see so far -

You can try to play 10 000 heroes
But there is one who you are

Life is sure a game where one changes roles
But your major part is exclusive deal
Each one has an aim he has been born for
Yours - is bein' that guy walkin' down the way

You'll never stop all your image hunt
Till you see what you don't see so far -

You can try to play 10 000 heroes
But there is one who you are

You can try to play 10 000 heroes
But there is one you are

What ‘life’ means to me

А между строчек одно и то же слово – «свобода»!
Между строчек – то, о чем не скажешь словами
Между строчек - понятный знак из трех точек
Между строчек – то, о чем вы знаете сами…

For me life is freedom. This freedom I understand as steady movement upon the track which I follow according to my inner dreams, wishes and desires. Sounds vague. So it is… One friend of mine once told me, “If life is a theatre where the people are actors, you play! Play and don’t be afraid to lose! Because unless we lose, we don’t know our limit. And the limit is the sky…”

For me life is when I live in the moment. Remember, Jack Dawson in “Titanic” once said something similar? (Don’t remember the exact quote though). It doesn’t mean I don’t look into the future, but unless we have the full ownership of ‘today’ we have no ‘tomorrow’. Sad, but true. Like many others, I live in a cosmopolitan crazy city, work in the office hoping if not for promotion, but at least for a salary hike, wish to buy my own car and apartment (the latter though sounds totally surrealistic for Moscow), save some money for the ‘black day’… But life is much more than that. It is the vast world lying in front of you, to which you belong, but of which you’ve seen just a tiny bit. It is every emotion and every thought of all its inhabitants. It is something beyond it, be it sign, chance, God, the energy of the world – whatever – but that is what we all feel and what most of us try to neglect until they find strength to accept its presence.

For me life is constant change. Of everything. Places, pastimes, emotions… Whenever I feel like I’m too much stuck in something, I feel like I got into a cage. There are two things I can never let go – music and
travel. But these both things imply changes, so I’m not contradicting myself. Like, say, today I feel like riding a bike, and I do 25 km by bike with my boyfriend. And tomorrow I wish to spend a quiet evening in front of the TV box. Next day I feel like going to an exhibition. Then participate in a crazy party with a bunch of people I don’t really know. Then go to the theatre… etc etc. This world gives us so much, why not trying to grasp the more of it while we are still here?..

For me life is road. If I did not have ‘responsibility’ (that is how one of my friends had put it), I would leave home and spend half of my life traveling across the globe meeting new people and getting the taste of each country. By hitch-hiking, or by any other means. Purely by myself (of course the company of my friends would be a perfect solution). My family members and many of my friends do not understand how I can ‘sink into nowhere’ every time I go traveling. But thanks God I know people who share the same ideas with me and who also believe that everything is possible in this world. The elder brother of my boyfriend left everything and set off from Moscow to Vladivostok by bike! Nearly everyone says he’s fool, but I admire him!!! That is how a person should live – without frontiers, bars or prejudices.

I am normal :) I watch the same movies with the rest of the folks, spoil my ears to the same music, type messages in the same sms jargon, speak the same slang language (which I tend to forget when talking to the decent people older than I am)… But I feel so deep regret every time I come across another soul buried under the cargo of disbelief in everything and himself setting off the barricades around him. I am madly interested in people. In each one I try to find something peculiar, try to get the essence of him/her. And, guess, only one phrase can make me get disappointed in the person, once and for all, “What is it in other places that is not here, why should I raise my ass to see another town where I’m gonna find the same buildings and all?” I will not think worse of him, but he will stop to interest me as a person. Because the worse thing for me in others is narrow-mindedness.

Wish list

Sitting in the office, half-sleeping, no work, no bosses, bosses are faraway… filling in the questionnaire for a friend. The question “What do you want at this very moment?” Definitely: I want to buy skates – FINALLY. And a guitar. Skates or guitar? Both. And what else?

Have just prepared a short list of things I would like to do someday:

1. Learn to play the guitar, gather a band and set off to travel and play in the streets – Europe, North America, South America…
2. Learn sound-recording and sound production
3. Find myself standing on the stage singing my song (even if it’s just the stage in my music school).
4. Participate in movie-shooting at least as one of the crowd
5. Do a round-the-world hitch-hiking journey or at least round-the-world self journey even if not hitch-hiking.
6. Participate in archaeological excavations
7. Be a member of a scientific expedition to some remote place on the globe (in Russia or anywhere else)
8. Do UNO volunteer work in South America
9. Do alpinism somewhere in the world.
10. Do a bike tour anywhere for any duration
11. Do a boat (canoe) trip also anywhere
12. Do a Volga cruise
13. Finally learn to swim (have learnt something, but a lot is left for me on that issue still)
14. Learn to ride a horse properly
15. Learn to skate
16. Learn to dance Latino dances
17. Try snowboarding
18. Try surfing
19. Interpret at foreign affairs conference or be sort of involved in politics (as translator, interpreter, diplomat - anything)
20. Be able to speak proper German and Spanish

What about you? What would you like to do someday? Looking forward for your suggestions!