I’m back to Moscow from vacations. The New Year 2009 has already started. But I still feel kinda incomplete inside unless I give out my reflections on the previous year. What it changed in my life, and how…
It started at Natasha Bayurova’s house when me, Lyuba, George, Des and 2 friends of his crashed in 2 min before midnight with a bottle of Champagne shouting, ‘Aaaah, are we still on time?!’ There’s a common saying in Russia, ‘You’re gonna pass the whole year the way you celebrated its coming’. Messy celebration… messy year… It was the first time I saw that George’s not that madly in love with me than I had been thinking. He did not miss a single girl at the party, having practically forgotten about me – dancing with each and every female creature… Later on there was this story with a girl from Petrozavodsk (eh, forgot her name)… Then Nastya (this name I will never forget!) Then… but it doesn’t matter, since it’s all over for me now…
Lyuba is in America now working as bartender and surfing ‘New Yawk’ couches :) George gave up everything – studying, working, moved to his best friend Vanya and is enjoying the life to the best he can. Des has spoken to me only once since that party, for me to help out with accommodation for him and his 20 friends somehow. He is not a party bird, and has been probably shocked by all that mess (taking in view how quickly he and his friends escaped from the ‘bash’), and decided to keep aside from me and my crazy world :) Pity. But he’s not the first and not the last one since people have a tendency to come and go. "You have so many relationships in this life. But only one or two will last..."
It was a very hard and tense year – mentally. But at the same time the most fruitful one for me ever, in terms of my understanding of life and my soul.
The year of constantly being overwhelmed at work and putting all my efforts for the future of the company and the happiness of the people who take you for granted and do not care a damn about the way of talking to their subordinates. The year by the end of which I made it clear to myself that whatever sympathy you have towards your colleagues or whatever loyalty to the company you carry in your heart you should never place anything above your personal dignity. Nobody will consider your opinion until you firmly put it. And none of your bosses, and nobody at all’s gonna play a “Cinderella’s godmother” for you. Unfortunately. I will never forget the words my ex-boss told me as a piece of advice for future, “Don’t like the company – like the job!” I tried going along the first road due to my character of being faithful to the team you work with, and my desperate hope that they value me, at least a bit. And they do, but only in the scales of their own interest…They are smarter. But I am much younger :) Silly excuse, but it helps me not to blame myself for being too shy in expressing my own demands. Still, I don’t regret doing what I was doing over the last year. Helping the people, sometimes staying in the office until midnight and even longer, doing the tasks I was not supposed to just because I felt responsibility for ‘our common business’ (guess this is a reflection of communism times, since anyway I was born in the Soviet Union :)) I regret them treating the people like that. All of our juniors, and even seniors. And I pity them since it’s their problem. People come and go, you’re your inner vices remain with you until you have a courage to accept your being wrong and consider it for improvement. Sounds quite pompous. I didn’t want that… What I lack is some impudence. Who can contribute a bit to me? I’ll return your favour with interest ;)
This was also the year of still bigger problems in private life. Constant fights and rows with George, our inability to hear each other and adapt to each other’s way of life and thinking. I was trying hardly, but whatever I suggested or did was immediately rejected by him. I still remember how I once suggested something to fill in our weekend, and got an answer that the idea’s good, but he hates me, since it was me to develop this idea, not him. Of course we did not do it, because he was not in a good mood for that. I still don’t see what was wrong in my offering something to him… But it does not matter now :) Then I found his love messages to some other girl. But forgave it. Then he nearly broke off with me because of a short hook-up with Nastya. I again forgave it. Even after he completely cheated on me with her for more than a week while I was on holidays with my Granny, after all that f*cking June when I could not go to work for several days because I was having a stress and all those Nastya’s calls and messages to me to make me feel still worse… I again forgave him... Probably to elaborate. To let the passions fade away inside my heart, to let me grow strong. To put an end. But we both did it simultaneously, at one and the same time at the beginning of December. So peacefully that even remained good acquaintances. Sometimes his stupid childish mind irritates me, but overall I find him a good lad – completely lost in life, but good lad.
The story with George helped me to reveal three important truths to me that I did not see that much clear before. First is that I have fantastic friends! Only thanks to them I recovered so quickly. In all that second half of June seen vague to me because I was not myself, I hear only three phrases of three of my friends: Lena’s “Yana, everything we have on our way is our lessons. Our souls get experience through it. Even when it hurts you, say thanks”; Polina’s “Of course I do suggest that you should at least take a break if not letting him go. But you have to come to it yourself, somehow, and not now”; and Lera’s message to me, the first one to make me smile, typed as a respond to my question “Did you get home safely?” – “No, we’ve been taken hostages by terrorists and are going to Iran now ;] Wanna me to bring you a souvenir from there?” :))) This I learnt fast and well – I should value my irreplaceable, indispensable friends.
The second thing I learnt was that I should never wish harm to any person, whatever shit he does to me. I frankly wished harm to Nastya, even drew schemes of taking revenge upon her in my mind. Until one episode made me see how I was wrong, and that no person in the world has the right to hold a court for another person. Life will take up this role. Of course I knew all these fundamentals before. But it was only last year that I did not only understand them, but also accepted, put on myself and started following.
The third thing is somehow linked to the two previous ones. After I sent that June message to George like that please be happy with her, I’m sure she’s a good girl, and please do not make her suffer because she’s weaker than me and she will not stand it. After that I woke up in the morning with a clear vision of what I’m gonna do in life. Socially. I sent a message to Vlada, “The world will not be better. Same with the people. But until my last tiny hope dies, I will be banging my head against a brick wall to try to make at least the world of the people whom I meet on my way better, to the best I can. Even if they will not value that. And they will not. Most often”.
How did I come to it? Guess the roots were planted when almost 3 years ago I registered on Hospitality Club. Then, a year later, on CouchSurfing. Even though the official mission is stated somewhat differently, “bringing people together”, I would put it in my way – “Bringing the Good together”. When I registered, I was excited about freebie when traveling. But the more I sank into the project, the more people I met through it, the more I got to see how broad and deep was the idea of such clubs. Last year I got into Moscow HC/CS community life, made a lot of new friends among those CSers and HClubbers who reside or temporarily stay in Moscow, and it happened to be the turning-point in my whole mentality.
Small things that made me happy :) I bought skates, a bike and a guitar. Did not use much of skates. Just tried them once with Lena. Did a couple of short bike trips around the Moscow region. And liked it, although I was fully exhausted after each of them, not being used to such physical loadings. And did not touch the guitar at all! Shame! Shame!! This year I will learn to play it. I promised it to Manu :)
Short trips to New Jerusalem (Istra) with CSers, Velikiy Novgorod with George, several trips to St.Pete both alone, with my ex-boss and with Granny. Yaroslavl does not count :)
The more my vision of life was changing, the more I was stopping to act like a Moskovian. I will never be one, and… do I need to? Later I was feeling enormous pride inside when some people from the regions asked me, “Where are you from”, and I answered, “From Moscow”. And felt embarrassed when some Moscow guys were asking, “Were you born here?” and I had to reply, “No, in Yaroslavl”. Now I find it so stupid! How silly I was! How ‘screwed-up! Now I feel no constraint to say I’m not from Moscow by origin, and moreover, I’m proud of being a Yaroslavlian. And have no problems with the people’s reaction at all :) If they like it – good. Don’t like it – better! The undeserved get filtered out immediately :))) I remember how Ox once told me not to “try to color my giraffe spots” ‘coz it’s what makes me different - and unique. I now tend to increase my visits to home since it has been, is and will always be my home. Even if I like my Moscow life too much to return to Yaroslavl.
New friends gained - Lera, Vova, Zhenya, Natasha. Got closer to 2 more people, previously mainly acquaintances of mine, now my very good friends – Natasha (another one) and Lena. I finally got closer to Katya, my flatmate, at least she’s now sharing some private things with me and I know where and with whom she has spent the evening ;)
I got further and further from ‘glamour’. All these high-heel shoes, chic’s dresses and stupid chats about sponsors and money in pompous clubs – all this R&B life is not for me. What’s the use of pretending to be the one you never be? Standards are nothing. I would prefer the sincerity of sitting around the camping fire with a guitar in mud up to my knees in the middle of nowhere. Yesterday I saw a cool wild orange T-Shirt with a phrase on the back “Goodbye D&G!” If they had S size I would buy it :P But they only had XXL :( If Mom saw it, she would get a heart attack, since she’s too wrapped up in prejudices about how a girl of my age should act and look like :)))
That’s briefly (ehh… not VERY briefly to be frank) what the last year for me was like, and what it brought to me. This one’s gonna be tons better. I feel it at an intuition-level. And woman’s intuition seldom tells a lie ;) Besides, it’s my year – I was born almost 24 years ago in the year of Bull. Hope my Bull brother will be generous to me in all the aspects ;) Same to you all! :)
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Sign?
Today we were drinking coffee in Natasha’s room while our bosses were out at a meeting. And I forgot the cup at her table. She brought it to me with the words, “Ah, there’s a heart there, see?” The coffee grounds have clearly formed a heart at the bottom of the cup. Mmm… :) Is it a good sign telling me of a new romance awaiting in the near future? Let us hope… :)
"I don't want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need... 'Cause I just want you here tonight holding on to me so tight. What more can I do. Baby, all I want for Christmas is You..."
"I don't want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need... 'Cause I just want you here tonight holding on to me so tight. What more can I do. Baby, all I want for Christmas is You..."
Friday, December 12, 2008
In the evening (as promised)
OK, so I’m home. 10:12 p.m. Not a record though; there were times when I used to leave the office after midnight and come home at around 1 a.m. The head is not aching that badly thanks to Citramon which I borrowed from Nastya before starting for home.
Today evening when writing a leave application, the HR head and I discovered that I haven’t yet even taken my vacations for the year 2007! To say nothing about 2008!!! It was a shock for us and a bomb for my boss :) Elena fell into a trance :) You should have seen the face with which she signed my vacation application from 26th Dec to 18th Jan :))) Now after that in 2009 I still have 4 days from 2007, 3 weeks from 2008 and 4 weeks for 2009 :))) Yesterday she told me, “I’m Terminator, I don’t take a rest”. Now she changed her mind – I’m a much bigger monster in terms of taking vacation then she or Max :)))
Spent a nice evening with the Polyglots yesterday. Generally I don’t have a chance to join their weekly Thu meetings ’coz of my Spanish class which is exactly on the same day and at the same time. But fall trimester has finally come to an end, and I could come to see the guys.
It was a laugh! Especially when Alberto started talking Russian. “Pochemu ti hahahala?” (in Eng that would sound something like “Why were you hahahaing?” which was actually “Why were you laughing?”). “Ti uhodish? Ti Stalin?” (“You’re leaving? You’re Stalin?”) It took the three of us – Natasha, Anya and me – quite some time to guess that “stalin” to him sounds the same with “ustali” which means “tired” LOL
Got acquainted with Anya finally. Had a curious discussion about one our common acquaintance from France. A very curious one :)
Actually it was planned as a Spanish week, but not a single Spanish-speaker came to the meeting to present the language, and all we had to do was playing games to guess the words the letters in which had intentionally been mixed. And talking other languages. Funny Russian for instance :)
Tista was writing Russian names in Hindi and Bengali. But I already have my name written in Hindi or Marathi (not sure) from Mahesh who sent to me long back.
When going home from the meeting, in a mini bus there was a totally mad person whom we all first took simply for an alcoholic, but in fact he was not drunk, he just was mad. He was talking non-stop about all sorts of odd stuff mixing politics, music, countries and extra-terrestrials. But what was curious about all that – he was linking absolutely illogical things in such a logical way that each next idea of his could be somehow connected with the previous one, even though they were about totally different notions. I was listening to him attentively admiring this wonderful capability. Besides, some of his phrases may be quoted even. Like, when he was addressing us, but of course nobody answered, everybody pretended not to hear, he said, “Hey you act as if you were in space. Though you haven’t paid 20 mio bucks for that! Now you owe me 20 mio!” GREAT, is it not? :)
That’s all news guess for now. I’m putting a full stop here and switching off to read a new Glukhovsky’s book.
Kisses
Today evening when writing a leave application, the HR head and I discovered that I haven’t yet even taken my vacations for the year 2007! To say nothing about 2008!!! It was a shock for us and a bomb for my boss :) Elena fell into a trance :) You should have seen the face with which she signed my vacation application from 26th Dec to 18th Jan :))) Now after that in 2009 I still have 4 days from 2007, 3 weeks from 2008 and 4 weeks for 2009 :))) Yesterday she told me, “I’m Terminator, I don’t take a rest”. Now she changed her mind – I’m a much bigger monster in terms of taking vacation then she or Max :)))
Spent a nice evening with the Polyglots yesterday. Generally I don’t have a chance to join their weekly Thu meetings ’coz of my Spanish class which is exactly on the same day and at the same time. But fall trimester has finally come to an end, and I could come to see the guys.
It was a laugh! Especially when Alberto started talking Russian. “Pochemu ti hahahala?” (in Eng that would sound something like “Why were you hahahaing?” which was actually “Why were you laughing?”). “Ti uhodish? Ti Stalin?” (“You’re leaving? You’re Stalin?”) It took the three of us – Natasha, Anya and me – quite some time to guess that “stalin” to him sounds the same with “ustali” which means “tired” LOL
Got acquainted with Anya finally. Had a curious discussion about one our common acquaintance from France. A very curious one :)
Actually it was planned as a Spanish week, but not a single Spanish-speaker came to the meeting to present the language, and all we had to do was playing games to guess the words the letters in which had intentionally been mixed. And talking other languages. Funny Russian for instance :)
Tista was writing Russian names in Hindi and Bengali. But I already have my name written in Hindi or Marathi (not sure) from Mahesh who sent to me long back.
When going home from the meeting, in a mini bus there was a totally mad person whom we all first took simply for an alcoholic, but in fact he was not drunk, he just was mad. He was talking non-stop about all sorts of odd stuff mixing politics, music, countries and extra-terrestrials. But what was curious about all that – he was linking absolutely illogical things in such a logical way that each next idea of his could be somehow connected with the previous one, even though they were about totally different notions. I was listening to him attentively admiring this wonderful capability. Besides, some of his phrases may be quoted even. Like, when he was addressing us, but of course nobody answered, everybody pretended not to hear, he said, “Hey you act as if you were in space. Though you haven’t paid 20 mio bucks for that! Now you owe me 20 mio!” GREAT, is it not? :)
That’s all news guess for now. I’m putting a full stop here and switching off to read a new Glukhovsky’s book.
Kisses
Song singing now
Katy Perry - Hot n Cold You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes...
'Coz you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
lalala
I was peacefully walking along the office corridor when Lyova showed up singing this song. Noooo!.. And now I can't get rid of it... / I surely thanked him heartily for the gift he has given to me... :)
You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes...
It's almost 8 p.m. now, and I'm still at work. There's practically nobody in the office except for a couple of people. Even our new management team has left for a New Year's party of the department of our parent company where they all used to work before coming here when Maxim was appointed CEO... I have an awful headache, but I need to stay at work due to coming too late to the office today (went to submit the docs for the visa in the morning)... Ah please somebody come take me hooooooome!..
Have just got a supportive message from Lera: "Hold on Ianko! Work is temporary. Your soul's eternal" :)))
I wanted to go to Dan's party tonight, but now all I dream of is my dear soft bed...
Will write more later from home... maybe.
Cheers!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Song singing now
Sharam & Daniel Bedingfield - The One
Is there any way that I could stay in your arms?..
Some kind of boy, some kind of girl
Some kind of song around the world...
If you're not the one, I don't know who is...
lalala
Guess it's stuck in my brain 'coz it was the last song I heard on the radio before I finally woke up in the morning... It's already 3 p.m. now, but I'm still singing it non-stop...
To Gabi and Mahesh
Got a mail with 26 pics from Mahesh yesterday. As well as a bunch of messages regarding some NASA announcement of 7 Moons of Venus to be visible that night which happens once in 7 mio years. And though after checking it up with Granny who is astronomer and learning that, first, it’s total bullshit and, second, that Venus has no satellites at all, I was touched by his care about me. I haven’t written to him anything decent for the last 8 months being busy with work, friends, my boyfriend, i.e. my real life, he still remembers and keeps on sending messages and mails. This message about the sky and Venus sounded quite romantic even :) “Thx for not forgetting me…” – “Only death can make me 4get u!”
I started feeling bad – I felt my guilt for not valuing the people who trully care about me, and need me in this or that way. Even the fact that we never met does not deny the invisible connective waves between the people around the globe. ‘Coz there’s a lot more in the world than what we know and what we think we know, or even what we don’t think.
I feel this strong connection (among the ones whom I’ve not met in person and whom I cannot call my ‘real’ friend yet) only with two people – Gabi and Mahesh. We were about to meet with Gabi this fall when he visited Spain. But his visit was so short that I didn’t even have enough time to apply for the visa to go and see him :( A good acquaintance of mine is going to South America again this winter with 2 friends of hers. I could go with them. Instead, I am applying for the Czech visa… When we broke off with George for the first time in summer, I was sitting in the train with Mom going to Moscow from Yaroslavl and I was so decided about taking vacations and going to Montevideo in the near future. But Gabi went to Spain; I returned to my boyfriend and stayed in Moscow…
What was the initial thought? :) Yeah we should value those who care about us, instead of wasting our time and efforts with those who simply ‘take us for granted’ as Beyonce sings in her last hit which I play every evening nowadays. This idea is as old as the world, I know :) But I want to repeat it again and again, and again – GUYS I LOVE YOU, I ADORE YOU BOTH!!! THANKS FOR ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE BEEN WITH ME!!! FOR ALL THE SMILES YOU’VE GIVEN ME THROUGH THE YEARS!!! I VALUE OUR FRIENDSHIP!!! THANK YOU, DANKE, MERCI, GRAZIE, GRACIAS, SHUKRIYA, СПАСИБО!!! :)))
I started feeling bad – I felt my guilt for not valuing the people who trully care about me, and need me in this or that way. Even the fact that we never met does not deny the invisible connective waves between the people around the globe. ‘Coz there’s a lot more in the world than what we know and what we think we know, or even what we don’t think.
I feel this strong connection (among the ones whom I’ve not met in person and whom I cannot call my ‘real’ friend yet) only with two people – Gabi and Mahesh. We were about to meet with Gabi this fall when he visited Spain. But his visit was so short that I didn’t even have enough time to apply for the visa to go and see him :( A good acquaintance of mine is going to South America again this winter with 2 friends of hers. I could go with them. Instead, I am applying for the Czech visa… When we broke off with George for the first time in summer, I was sitting in the train with Mom going to Moscow from Yaroslavl and I was so decided about taking vacations and going to Montevideo in the near future. But Gabi went to Spain; I returned to my boyfriend and stayed in Moscow…
What was the initial thought? :) Yeah we should value those who care about us, instead of wasting our time and efforts with those who simply ‘take us for granted’ as Beyonce sings in her last hit which I play every evening nowadays. This idea is as old as the world, I know :) But I want to repeat it again and again, and again – GUYS I LOVE YOU, I ADORE YOU BOTH!!! THANKS FOR ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE BEEN WITH ME!!! FOR ALL THE SMILES YOU’VE GIVEN ME THROUGH THE YEARS!!! I VALUE OUR FRIENDSHIP!!! THANK YOU, DANKE, MERCI, GRAZIE, GRACIAS, SHUKRIYA, СПАСИБО!!! :)))
Monday, December 8, 2008
Nowhere plans
Yesterday I read the book “Twilight” by Stephenie Meyer. I was reading it during my whole train journey back to Moscow in one breath, paying no attention to what was happening around – so deeply sank I into the book. The book is pure entertainment, but what a beautiful Love it depicts! It amazed me, astonished me - depressed me… I envy Bella, the heroine, so much! She has found her Love, great Love – Love that wipes off all the prejudices and breaks all the bars, Love that opens the doors between the two incompatible worlds – fire and ice, civilization and wildness, life and death. And even though it makes her walk on the tight rope, hurts her and makes her cry at times, she has no fear – she resolutely marches ahead, to horror, to his scary savage world, to him… And Love that Ed and Bella are covered with, is their reward, their recompense for all the sacrifices they do for each other.
Does such a Love exist in real life? Where is it? I long for it, I need it, I beg for it! Is there anywhere in the world the One who’s meant for me; the One who will one day tell me, “You are the most important thing to me now; the most important thing to me ever!”; the One who will take me by the hand and will never let it out; the One who will always be with me as a shelter, as a world for me to live in, as the Sun and the Moon, the Water and the Skies; the One who will be my Life, the One whom I’ll breathe… I need him NOW! I am dying slowly without him. I’m dying! I already love him; I am ready to give up all for him. But he doesn’t come. Does he exist? Does Love exist at all??
It took Ed about a hundred years to find Bella. It scares me. I am not immortal… And where’s the guarantee that I’ll find my match in my Time? No guarantee – just an everlasting Hope in God’s generosity. But do I deserve it?..
I have tons of unspent love and tenderness inside me. But the days go by, and still I don’t find that One to whom I’ll give my all, and more than that, much more than that!
“Maybe someday…” I’m tired of saying “someday”. I get on the trolley to go home through the nightly Moscow, lean my head to the window, and look – into nowhere… I always remember the video of Glyuk’OZA then where she’s singing, “Moscow does not believe the tears…” Who does?
“He’s a real nowhere man
Sitting in his nowhere land
Making all his nowhere plans for nobody…”
Making all my nowhere plans for nobody…
Does such a Love exist in real life? Where is it? I long for it, I need it, I beg for it! Is there anywhere in the world the One who’s meant for me; the One who will one day tell me, “You are the most important thing to me now; the most important thing to me ever!”; the One who will take me by the hand and will never let it out; the One who will always be with me as a shelter, as a world for me to live in, as the Sun and the Moon, the Water and the Skies; the One who will be my Life, the One whom I’ll breathe… I need him NOW! I am dying slowly without him. I’m dying! I already love him; I am ready to give up all for him. But he doesn’t come. Does he exist? Does Love exist at all??
It took Ed about a hundred years to find Bella. It scares me. I am not immortal… And where’s the guarantee that I’ll find my match in my Time? No guarantee – just an everlasting Hope in God’s generosity. But do I deserve it?..
I have tons of unspent love and tenderness inside me. But the days go by, and still I don’t find that One to whom I’ll give my all, and more than that, much more than that!
“Maybe someday…” I’m tired of saying “someday”. I get on the trolley to go home through the nightly Moscow, lean my head to the window, and look – into nowhere… I always remember the video of Glyuk’OZA then where she’s singing, “Moscow does not believe the tears…” Who does?
“He’s a real nowhere man
Sitting in his nowhere land
Making all his nowhere plans for nobody…”
Making all my nowhere plans for nobody…
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
