Simple

A simple phrase found on some website accidentally, totally shook my world today.

'NEVER LEAVE THE ONES YOU LOVE FOR THE ONES YOU LIKE...'

So simple and demarcating. That is why it happens the way it does. That is why I am where I am. I would do the same, exactly the same, and I understand him and respect him more than ever before.

The insidious 'if' attempted to mess it all up, but I'm happy it failed - COMPLETELY! If we met earlier... Crap! There's no Subjunctive Mood in history.

I'm just to stand these holidays, the wedding...

Curtain falls. T-H-E E-N-D.

Something funny

I just wanted to share one funny thing that happened yesterday. I was walking with a friend along Tverskaya when suddenly a boy, a young man I'd better say, came up with an unexpected request: "Will you, please, adopt me?" Certainly, we burst out laughing. He was standing in front of us with his hands behind his back, and Lena, my friend, asked him, "What are you hiding there?" It was a cigarette... "No, we don't adopt smokers", was my answer. "But PLEEEEAAASE!!!" We exchanged a bit more phrases amidst laughter, and then the boy looked at us seriously and said, "Ok, I got it, you don't wanna adopt me. Well hey, I will have to steal her then anyway". And having said that, he grabbed me, raised me up and started carrying me away. I even was unable to resist, for I was laughing hysterically. "Lena, come take me doooown!" was the only thing I could produce. He finally released me. Of course. Said, "Byyyyyyee!", and walked off. Such a funny guy! Pickuper? Pickuper beginner? :)

But I need to thank this guy. The incident raised my mood, and it remained high until I went to bed :)

Irgendwas, das bleibt...

I've just discovered one super cool German pop/rock band Silbermond. And completely fell in love with their music and texts. Their new hit "Irgendwas bleibt" shook my world with its unpretentious, but deep and touchy lyrics, and a beautiful melody.

It's just the way I feel, and I dare to borrow their lines to devote them to my sweet Somebody...

Sag mir, dass dieser Ort hier sicher ist
und alles Gute steht hier still.
Und dass das Wort, das du mir heute gibst,
morgen noch genauso gilt.

Diese Welt ist schnell
und hat verlernt beständig zu sein.
Denn Versuchungen setzen ihre Frist.
Doch bitte schwör, dass wenn ich wieder komme,
alles noch beim Alten ist.

Gib mir ein kleines bisschen Sicherheit
in einer Welt in der nichts sicher scheint.
Gib mir in dieser schweren Zeit irgendwas das bleibt.

Gib mir einfach nur ein bisschen Halt.
Und wieg mich einfach nur in Sicherheit.
Hol mich aus dieser schnellen Zeit.
Nimm mir ein bisschen Geschwindigkeit.
Gib mir was… irgendwas, das bleibt.

Auch wenn die Welt den Verstand verliert,
das ‘Hier’ bleibt unberührt.
Nichts passiert...

Gib mir ein kleines bisschen Sicherheit
in einer Welt in der nichts sicher scheint.
Gib mir in dieser schweren Zeit irgendwas das bleibt.

Gib mir einfach nur ein bisschen Halt.
Und wieg mich einfach nur in Sicherheit.
Hol mich aus dieser schnellen Zeit.
Nimm mir ein bisschen Geschwindigkeit.

Gib mir was... irgendwas, das bleibt.

A Question

Where is the border line between distaste and sympathy?

Like, say, there is a person who irritates you because he is so so so waaaays better than you in something, or in everything. And you start seeing evil intentions in his every look and gesture. To convince yourself that your irritation is caused not by your envy (which is in fact the worst reflection of your admiration for a person), but by his ill nature. And you promise to yourself not to converse with him until the end of your days. But each new day brings you more proofs he is far from what you think he is, in fact quite the contrary. And you have to cross out more and more points in the list of his “bad qualities”. Until there’s not a single one left. And what do you do now? You’re at a loss. You lose. To yourself. And to him, in a way.

And when suddenly in the canteen you catch his look from where he is sitting - you lose appetite… But you’ve got to be firm in your decision not to be friends with him because of your stupid stubbornness. And you turn to your friends pretending you’re sooo into what they are telling you, and forbid yourself to glance back at him…

So then, maybe it was not distaste, but sympathy from the very start?

No. NO!!!

No?..

“I’ll never be nobody’s wife. It’s too bad, but hey, that’s me…”

We all are looking for something. The challenge is to guess what we are looking for, and guess right.

I had a friend from abroad. We got acquainted about a year ago when he visited Moscow and stayed at my place. We spent a great weekend together when he, I, and a bunch of my friends were walking entire day around Moscow ending it up in my favourite restaurant “Pancho Villa” to the sounds of Latino. When he returned home, we kept in touch, but it was … weird communication. He offered to meet some day again in St. Pete, and asked my opinion. I agreed. He asked what my boyfriend would think about it (it were still the times when I dated George) which was a totally strange question for me, since he was my friend and I could meet my friends without George’s permission. But what was funnier, he asked about the possible dates… next summer (and it was June 2008!). It made me smile, for how can one know his plans one year in advance! And he kept on asking one and the same question over and over again until he started irritating me with his prolixity. Finally I stopped answering. When George and I broke up for the first time in summer I met him on MSN, and we had a long friendly talk about it. He advised me on something. But then we got together again. And broke up forever less than half a year after that. Before going to Berlin Winter Camp I sent him a message asking about his plans for the New Year’s and if he wanted to come to Berlin as well. Instead, he sent me a hysterical mail why the hell I don’t answer him for months, and then simply send a message inviting him to Berlin. It was strange for me, since we were not close friends with whom I keep in touch almost on a daily basis, and I did not promise anything to him. When I returned from Europe we exchanged a couple of nasty mails. He claimed me not to be honest with him (!) because I was single from George, then again not, then single again… And the truth was not told to him… Should it be? (But it was the truth; it really went that way with George and I). There were moments when I thought he was mad. Finally we froze communication and removed each other from friends.

And I have already forgotten about it when last weekend at a party I bumped into an old acquaintance of mine who also knows this boy. He asked for 15 min. And told me that boy had always been in love with me – and I never knew it, he never told me, never hinted on it, I couldn’t even imagine that! – and now when we do not keep in touch he doesn’t know what to do, he’s bad… And for me he’s just a friend, just a nice chap to see from time to time… It’s a shame, but when that boy from the party mentioned his name, it took me about 10 min to understand who he was talking about, to remember…

There are two other friends of mine whom I don’t want to lose, and who are important for me. And I know they feel something, I read it in their eyes. But they know they’re just friends. And hopefully they will not risk our friendship. Otherwise I would lose them, and it’s the last thing on Earth I want!

I remember once one of them and I were on an escalator in the Metro talking about girls (he’s single, but is prospecting for a girlfriend). I said, “You meet up with different girls for so long, and still can’t find anybody to satisfy you. Do you know yourself what kind of girl you need?” And he answered, “A girl like you…” I offered to get him acquainted with one of my close friends, he agreed. We’ve been playing this game for months, but what do I do! I need him… as a friend! A close friend of mine! Am I selfish? But he himself never brings the conversation to the end, showing he takes up the rules I set. I don’t feel good about it, but I don’t wanna lose him.

And all these flash encounters I don’t want to move to some other level… SMS offers like, “I’ve seen your cell number on Hospitality, and would like to get acquainted with you if you don’t mind…” I don’t even have curiosity! I just want them all to leave me alone. But they keep on calling; keep on sending cell messages; keep on offering…

I’m tired. All these boys around – and none at the same time. Not a single person to touch my heart. Even George, we were together for a year and a half, and I never loved him. I have moved to another city when we met, and I probably just needed someone to help me get settled… Then I got accustomed to him, and our relations turned into a habit. That was it. Never love. Never passion.

I feel I need someone. But whom – I don’t know. Will I ever know it?

A chat/ Беседа

A highly intellectual message chat of 2 highly intellectual Russian gals:

Gal 1: The sleeping-bag’s sitting at work waiting for you :p
Gal 2: Sitting? Waiting to see me? Whoa what a mutant… Have you at least offered him coffee?
Gal 1: Doesn’t drink it: concerned about health. Chipped in with the whole office altogether for a pack of milk for him…
Gal 2: Ianko*, I’m afraid of him! Wrap him up tomorrow plz!!!
Gal 1: But his owner prohibited that, didn’t she? He’s not wild, he is just stubborn :)
Gal 2: What a mess!.. I will bring a rope tomorrow.
Gal 1: Hey, don’t be harsh with him! Be so nice as to at least respect what was between us.
Gal 2: Ianko, don’t buy it, with whom he has just not been…
Gal 1: It’s more important how, rather than with whom…
Gal 2: You bet! Maybe what you had was serious, and I am separating you! /hid my diminished head/

* Ianko is my name :)) It's 'Olbanian' language (computer and sms jargon famous in Runet when the words are intentionally spelled with all sorts of possible mistakes, or spelled the way they are pronounced (in Russian pronunciation and spelling of many words do not match), sometimes it makes the word shorter which is useful for a cell message; evolution: Yana -- Yanka (it's a standard very informal way of addressing me, only friends have the pleasure of calling me like that, otherwise that would sound impolite and quite offensive) -- Yanko (+wrong ending) -- Ianko (+wrong letter at the beginning)

Ru version for Ru friends:

Высокоинтеллектуальная смс беседа 2 высокоинтеллектуальных русских девушек:

Первая: Спальник сидит на работе в ожидании тебя :p
Вторая: Сидит? Ждет встречи? Вот он мутант… Вы ему хоть кофе предложили?
Первая: Не пьет: следит за здоровьем. Всем офисом скидывались ему на молоко.
Вторая: Йанко, я его боюсь! Свяжи его завтра, плиз!!!
Первая: Так хозяйка ж не велела! Он не буйный, он просто упрямый :)
Вторая: Мдааа… С веревкой завтра приду
Первая: Эй, ты там полегче! Прояви уважение хотя бы к тому, что между нами было!
Вторая: Йанко, не ведись на эти штучки, с кем у него только не было!
Первая: Главное же не с кем, а как…
Вторая: А ваще да… Мож, у вас с ним все серьезно, а я вас разлучаю! *устыдилсо*

Yesterday after I returned from Polyglot meeting I finally finished Glukhovsky. The book is brilliant, although Mom and some other people called it ravings of a madman. One should not take the book ad litteram. It’s, you know, a fantasy thriller at first sight. But the deeper you sink into the novel, the more you view it as a philosophical, intellectual book about everything, and mainly about life and death and the way we see the world. Just like in “Metro 2033” his lyrical digressions left an everlasting impression, but the whole book is much more accurately written when compared to “Metro”, it is wider and deeper, like a huge box with no bottom, and a small cosmos in itself. Glukhovsky is a master of descriptions! If it’s an unpleasant evil scene or place then he makes it so disgusting and horrible that I’m afraid to sit in my flat alone when reading it :) If it’s reminiscences about the past, or reflections about life, he covers them with such lyricism that you feel tears filling your eyes. Or maybe I’m just too emotional :) Anyhow, I feel satisfaction inside me to bring one more story to the logical end.

Today morning on my way to the kitchen I fastened my eyes on a book “Twin Peaks” in the bookcase. This is the inheritance from Boris, our landlord, who did not want to take away his books, so that the whole bookcase in our flat is full of novels and stories. Of course, I heard this name, and of course, I heard about the TV series. But I never watched it. When it was broadcasted here, long ago, in 1995-1996, I was in the age of watching cartoons :) I started looking through the book which is a compilation of the diary of the murdered girl and the notes of the FBI agent sitting over her case. I somehow got interested, and the whole morning at work I was surfing the Net to know more about the TV series, ‘coz the book, although written after the TV series, is a kind of prequel to the main plot. It’s a pity I don’t have Internet at home since Monday, because neither me nor Katya found time this week to pay our Internet bills. I'm quite sad about it in the way that I cannot send a mail to some people... (Don't ask to whom, it's top secret ;) Today again I will not do it because I’m going to hang out with Natasha (I’ll be calling her Yaranchik here, not to mix her up with another friend of mine with the same name) and Zhenya. Hopefully tomorrow. Then I will immediately download the series and watch it. It seems to be another “X-Files” story, and I used to be a fan of “X-Files” in the far-off 90s :) Yeah I’m ‘keeping pace with the time’ watching a TV series shot almost 20 years back :) But… better late than never, is it not? ;)