Silence

Today crossing 3rd Transport Ring to get home I suddenly remembered Ox. Don’t know why, but I felt like sending her something, although we did not communicate for over a month. There were moments when I was almost sure we would never talk to each other again. Then that poem of hers, my poetic respond to her, her poem in respond to my respond, finally ending in her insults and blames and my silence. Yes, there were and still are things I can’t understand and I still remember “If you look at everything from your arrogant roof then there’s no need to be always the first to write to you”, but guess we both crossed the line when sending those blameful texts. Anyway knowing myself well, I just needed time to forget ‘coz I don’t like to remember old hurts.

After the apartment question had somehow settled down, I just knew at once what the main point of my anger was – because she did not go with me. And I sent her an sms, “I’ve thought about it, and you know, what the real reason for my anger is, - not that you let me down with an apartment, but that you did not stay in Moscow with me. Because how great it would be if you did”. And I’m glad she got it right. “And… is Avril giving a concert?” – “You read it???” I was surprised, but happy to know she was still reading my Blog despite of all. She then even phoned me from Yar on my home phone and we finally had a normal talk after so many weeks. I know we will never happen to spend as much time as we did before, ‘coz university’s over, and she’s leaving for Holland, maybe forever. But at least we’re friends again. I think I need to write to Katya, too, ‘coz I hate it having a taste of quarrel with a close friend and be silent.

We all make mistakes – some are trifles, some are not – but it’ll never do us good if we kept our hurts inside us ‘til the end, ‘coz it’ll never leave if we value friendship at least a bit. Mom never spoke to her Dad properly after divorce. Many times I asked her why she never phoned him or went to visit him, but she constantly replied it was none my business. So that I’ve never seen my Grandpa. Mom once told me we met him in the trolley when I was little and they talked a little, but she intentionally did not tell me he was my Grandpa and I simply paid no attention to some stranger talking to my Mom. There were plenty of such strangers all around! Why did she decide for me?! She had no right! I thought I would meet him at Yulya’s wedding, but his sister told him a lie that the wedding date had been transferred, just to help my Mom never meet him again. It was the last chance for me to see him. Never mind. I don’t feel like it’s a thing of vital importance, ‘coz I don’t know him and he has no place in my life and in my heart, but I can’t understand those who prefer to solve their problems by silence. Silence never helps. It drowns. It fills the every spot of your ‘box’ so that you’d never chance to hear anything more. Do you like being deaf? I don’t.