Я хочу, чтобы последний день лета унес с собой все летние наваждения и осень оставила меня в покое, просто оставила меня в покое...

Кладбище чувств

Все-таки уехать бывает полезно, чтобы разобрать хаос в голове, понять и принять для себя решение. И, наконец, взглянуть на мир другими глазами!

"У меня есть маленькое кладбище людей, которые были мне дороги. Они умерли «понарошку», но для меня – навсегда. На нем похоронены школьная подруга, предавшая меня, моя первая любовь,и многие другие люди. Иногда я хожу по аллейкам, останавливаюсь около могилок, кладу цветы или просто прохожу мимо. Кладбище внутри меня. О нем никто не знает. На нем не растут сорняки и не гадят бомжи, здесь всегда чисто и красиво. Здесь лежат люди, которые были мне дороги. Иногда я встречаю их на улице, разговариваю и иду дальше. Мне не больно. Они мертвые. Они об этом не знают, но я-то знаю. Я похоронила их, чтобы не было больно и обидно, чтобы не отворачиваться на улице и не говорить гадостей. О мертвых плохо не говорят. Чем ближе человек, тем тяжелее хоронить. Он не хочет ложиться в могилу, выходить из моей головы и тела, он цепляется за жизнь, поэтому приходится каждый день укладывать его в гроб заново. Я любила тебя. У тебя будут самые лучшие цветы и красивый гроб, но тебе все равно придется в него лечь, извини. Так мне будет спокойно, так не будет больно. Я поплачу, я приду на могилку, я никогда тебя не забуду, но, извини, ты умер."
(с) Е. Шацкая

How do we fall in love?

I remember when I was a schoolgirl and everyone was in love with somebody – except me - I wanted that ardently! “Why can’t I fall in love? What’s wrong with me?” This was the very thing I was thinking about when I bumped into that guy in the corridor. I knew something about him because a friend of mine was once hopelessly in love with that guy, but he was never interesting to me except for that. On that day I fastened my eyes on him and noticed he was cute. “Then maybe he?” This is how it all started, my unrequited love of 3 years for a guy who never knew about my feelings. The feelings faded away with the course of time after I could no longer see him on a day-to-day basis.

Now, looking back on those days I realize it was not love (though of course it was my “first love”). It arose from my desperate wish to fall for somebody which I totally succeeded in.

Falling in love for the sake of falling in love doesn’t work.

When being a freshman (freshgirl *lol*) I met this sophomore guy, head of Student Union of our faculty. Freshman group monitors were asked to gather for instructions at the long break. And there he came in his favourite brown suede jacket. I liked him so much immediately that my knees failed me. I kept on liking this guy for almost a year. We talked to each other from time to time and I guess we could have got cozy (at least have a number of dates resulting in sex), but I knew he would never look at me the way I wanted him to. I would be just another girl around him. Besides as time went by I realized he was too light-minded and primitive, even silly, and my interest in him perished.

Falling in love with the appearance doesn’t work.

When all of a sudden another man walked into my life - as a triumphant despite his young age for such a success, he stunned me. It stunned me. I see it clearly now that I was liking him for his achievements, for his status. Very often I was catching myself at the thought that I would like us to appear on some party together or sit in a bar or a restaurant, but in my dreams there was always someone else to notice us, discuss us with the others and maybe even envy us (me). I never imagined us being just together. I believe this is why I fell out of love so quickly, after 3-4 unpleasant situations, having got totally disappointed with him as a human being.

Falling in love because of something other than good looks doesn’t work.

I try to recollect what I felt exactly every time I fell in love anew. What did I feel then? What do you feel when you fall in love?

Last time it happened, more than a year ago, it was neither ‘my own kick’ nor a sudden ‘hit’, it was something different. I was acquainted to this guy for about a month by that time, we didn’t talk much and I knew very little about him. Once I was in a canteen with friends, we were having lunch, laughing and gossiping about somebody or something – as usual; he was on his way to the table to lunch with his friends. And when he was in the process of sitting down on the chair he noticed me. It’s funny; this scene which lasted a couple of seconds is still one of the brightest moments I’ve ever experienced in my life. His eyes got fixed to mine and he stood still half-bent ‘coz he was intending to occupy the chair, with the tray in his arms. Finally he recovered, joined his friends, but I was constantly catching his look. This was the first time our eyes met, and at this moment I felt that everything is different now, my whole life changed somehow, all of a sudden, but irreversibly, and unbelievable joy and tenderness filled my heart.

A lot has happened since that day. A lot has changed. He got married to his longtime girlfriend, became father of a baby girl, I got to know him better, well enough to know his nasty temper. We had a number of quarrels which resulted in not talking to each other for a long time. Still there has always been an invisible string between us. It’s like talking to each other without talking at all. And something else which I cannot explain. It hurt – then. Now it doesn’t. I seem to have got accustomed to live with it. I meet with other men, I know many of them like me, I spend a lot of time with my friends, I’m not lonely. Those friends of mine who know him think he’s a complete sh*t and I can understand them :) Did it change my opinion about him? Certainly, it did! Did I get disappointed with him as a man? Certainly, I did! Did it change my feelings? No! It’s not like having feelings for a person because how one can’t have feelings for him when he is so handsome or so decent. It’s having feelings for him as a person the way he is, having feelings for him despite of all his vices (and he is full on them believe me!). It’s only now that I realize the meaning behind a famous quote: “One loves not because of, but despite of something”.

I’ve recently read a funny Taurus horoscope and found a brilliant phrase there: “Taurus is characterized by unbelievable loyalty to people sh*t, this is why he is often unhappy in love” :)))

Just falling in love doesn’t work either!

Or maybe it does, and it is my problem that I want too much from it for myself. Someone wise once said, “We all want a love that we don’t deserve”.

How should one improve to deserve at least a tiny bit more mutual feeling?

I wish I knew it…

Song singing now

This song totally reflects my mood of the last couple of months:

That I would be good
Even if I did nothing
That I would be good
Even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good
If I got and stayed sick
That I would be good
Even if I gained ten pounds

That I would be fine
Even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good
If I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great
If I was no longer queen
That I would be grand
If I was not all knowing

That I would be LOVED
Even when I numb myself
That I would be good
Even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved
Even when I was fuming
That I would be good
Even if I was clingy

That I would be good
Even if I lost sanity
That I would be GOOD
Whether with...
Or without... you...

PS С первым днем весны! Пусть эта весна подарит всем нам счастье и любовь!!! :)

Song singing now

Lemar - "If there's any justice in the world"

If there's any justice in the world,
I would be your man,
You would be my girl,
If I'd found you first, you know it's true,
He would be alone,
I would be with you...

... Just because he's wrapped around your finger,
Don't fool yourself with dreams that might appear,
If in time you'll stop and trust your feelings,
The truth is out there somewhere
It's blowing in the wind...

Simple

A simple phrase found on some website accidentally, totally shook my world today.

'NEVER LEAVE THE ONES YOU LOVE FOR THE ONES YOU LIKE...'

So simple and demarcating. That is why it happens the way it does. That is why I am where I am. I would do the same, exactly the same, and I understand him and respect him more than ever before.

The insidious 'if' attempted to mess it all up, but I'm happy it failed - COMPLETELY! If we met earlier... Crap! There's no Subjunctive Mood in history.

I'm just to stand these holidays, the wedding...

Curtain falls. T-H-E E-N-D.

Something funny

I just wanted to share one funny thing that happened yesterday. I was walking with a friend along Tverskaya when suddenly a boy, a young man I'd better say, came up with an unexpected request: "Will you, please, adopt me?" Certainly, we burst out laughing. He was standing in front of us with his hands behind his back, and Lena, my friend, asked him, "What are you hiding there?" It was a cigarette... "No, we don't adopt smokers", was my answer. "But PLEEEEAAASE!!!" We exchanged a bit more phrases amidst laughter, and then the boy looked at us seriously and said, "Ok, I got it, you don't wanna adopt me. Well hey, I will have to steal her then anyway". And having said that, he grabbed me, raised me up and started carrying me away. I even was unable to resist, for I was laughing hysterically. "Lena, come take me doooown!" was the only thing I could produce. He finally released me. Of course. Said, "Byyyyyyee!", and walked off. Such a funny guy! Pickuper? Pickuper beginner? :)

But I need to thank this guy. The incident raised my mood, and it remained high until I went to bed :)

Irgendwas, das bleibt...

I've just discovered one super cool German pop/rock band Silbermond. And completely fell in love with their music and texts. Their new hit "Irgendwas bleibt" shook my world with its unpretentious, but deep and touchy lyrics, and a beautiful melody.

It's just the way I feel, and I dare to borrow their lines to devote them to my sweet Somebody...

Sag mir, dass dieser Ort hier sicher ist
und alles Gute steht hier still.
Und dass das Wort, das du mir heute gibst,
morgen noch genauso gilt.

Diese Welt ist schnell
und hat verlernt beständig zu sein.
Denn Versuchungen setzen ihre Frist.
Doch bitte schwör, dass wenn ich wieder komme,
alles noch beim Alten ist.

Gib mir ein kleines bisschen Sicherheit
in einer Welt in der nichts sicher scheint.
Gib mir in dieser schweren Zeit irgendwas das bleibt.

Gib mir einfach nur ein bisschen Halt.
Und wieg mich einfach nur in Sicherheit.
Hol mich aus dieser schnellen Zeit.
Nimm mir ein bisschen Geschwindigkeit.
Gib mir was… irgendwas, das bleibt.

Auch wenn die Welt den Verstand verliert,
das ‘Hier’ bleibt unberührt.
Nichts passiert...

Gib mir ein kleines bisschen Sicherheit
in einer Welt in der nichts sicher scheint.
Gib mir in dieser schweren Zeit irgendwas das bleibt.

Gib mir einfach nur ein bisschen Halt.
Und wieg mich einfach nur in Sicherheit.
Hol mich aus dieser schnellen Zeit.
Nimm mir ein bisschen Geschwindigkeit.

Gib mir was... irgendwas, das bleibt.

A Question

Where is the border line between distaste and sympathy?

Like, say, there is a person who irritates you because he is so so so waaaays better than you in something, or in everything. And you start seeing evil intentions in his every look and gesture. To convince yourself that your irritation is caused not by your envy (which is in fact the worst reflection of your admiration for a person), but by his ill nature. And you promise to yourself not to converse with him until the end of your days. But each new day brings you more proofs he is far from what you think he is, in fact quite the contrary. And you have to cross out more and more points in the list of his “bad qualities”. Until there’s not a single one left. And what do you do now? You’re at a loss. You lose. To yourself. And to him, in a way.

And when suddenly in the canteen you catch his look from where he is sitting - you lose appetite… But you’ve got to be firm in your decision not to be friends with him because of your stupid stubbornness. And you turn to your friends pretending you’re sooo into what they are telling you, and forbid yourself to glance back at him…

So then, maybe it was not distaste, but sympathy from the very start?

No. NO!!!

No?..

“I’ll never be nobody’s wife. It’s too bad, but hey, that’s me…”

We all are looking for something. The challenge is to guess what we are looking for, and guess right.

I had a friend from abroad. We got acquainted about a year ago when he visited Moscow and stayed at my place. We spent a great weekend together when he, I, and a bunch of my friends were walking entire day around Moscow ending it up in my favourite restaurant “Pancho Villa” to the sounds of Latino. When he returned home, we kept in touch, but it was … weird communication. He offered to meet some day again in St. Pete, and asked my opinion. I agreed. He asked what my boyfriend would think about it (it were still the times when I dated George) which was a totally strange question for me, since he was my friend and I could meet my friends without George’s permission. But what was funnier, he asked about the possible dates… next summer (and it was June 2008!). It made me smile, for how can one know his plans one year in advance! And he kept on asking one and the same question over and over again until he started irritating me with his prolixity. Finally I stopped answering. When George and I broke up for the first time in summer I met him on MSN, and we had a long friendly talk about it. He advised me on something. But then we got together again. And broke up forever less than half a year after that. Before going to Berlin Winter Camp I sent him a message asking about his plans for the New Year’s and if he wanted to come to Berlin as well. Instead, he sent me a hysterical mail why the hell I don’t answer him for months, and then simply send a message inviting him to Berlin. It was strange for me, since we were not close friends with whom I keep in touch almost on a daily basis, and I did not promise anything to him. When I returned from Europe we exchanged a couple of nasty mails. He claimed me not to be honest with him (!) because I was single from George, then again not, then single again… And the truth was not told to him… Should it be? (But it was the truth; it really went that way with George and I). There were moments when I thought he was mad. Finally we froze communication and removed each other from friends.

And I have already forgotten about it when last weekend at a party I bumped into an old acquaintance of mine who also knows this boy. He asked for 15 min. And told me that boy had always been in love with me – and I never knew it, he never told me, never hinted on it, I couldn’t even imagine that! – and now when we do not keep in touch he doesn’t know what to do, he’s bad… And for me he’s just a friend, just a nice chap to see from time to time… It’s a shame, but when that boy from the party mentioned his name, it took me about 10 min to understand who he was talking about, to remember…

There are two other friends of mine whom I don’t want to lose, and who are important for me. And I know they feel something, I read it in their eyes. But they know they’re just friends. And hopefully they will not risk our friendship. Otherwise I would lose them, and it’s the last thing on Earth I want!

I remember once one of them and I were on an escalator in the Metro talking about girls (he’s single, but is prospecting for a girlfriend). I said, “You meet up with different girls for so long, and still can’t find anybody to satisfy you. Do you know yourself what kind of girl you need?” And he answered, “A girl like you…” I offered to get him acquainted with one of my close friends, he agreed. We’ve been playing this game for months, but what do I do! I need him… as a friend! A close friend of mine! Am I selfish? But he himself never brings the conversation to the end, showing he takes up the rules I set. I don’t feel good about it, but I don’t wanna lose him.

And all these flash encounters I don’t want to move to some other level… SMS offers like, “I’ve seen your cell number on Hospitality, and would like to get acquainted with you if you don’t mind…” I don’t even have curiosity! I just want them all to leave me alone. But they keep on calling; keep on sending cell messages; keep on offering…

I’m tired. All these boys around – and none at the same time. Not a single person to touch my heart. Even George, we were together for a year and a half, and I never loved him. I have moved to another city when we met, and I probably just needed someone to help me get settled… Then I got accustomed to him, and our relations turned into a habit. That was it. Never love. Never passion.

I feel I need someone. But whom – I don’t know. Will I ever know it?

A chat/ Беседа

A highly intellectual message chat of 2 highly intellectual Russian gals:

Gal 1: The sleeping-bag’s sitting at work waiting for you :p
Gal 2: Sitting? Waiting to see me? Whoa what a mutant… Have you at least offered him coffee?
Gal 1: Doesn’t drink it: concerned about health. Chipped in with the whole office altogether for a pack of milk for him…
Gal 2: Ianko*, I’m afraid of him! Wrap him up tomorrow plz!!!
Gal 1: But his owner prohibited that, didn’t she? He’s not wild, he is just stubborn :)
Gal 2: What a mess!.. I will bring a rope tomorrow.
Gal 1: Hey, don’t be harsh with him! Be so nice as to at least respect what was between us.
Gal 2: Ianko, don’t buy it, with whom he has just not been…
Gal 1: It’s more important how, rather than with whom…
Gal 2: You bet! Maybe what you had was serious, and I am separating you! /hid my diminished head/

* Ianko is my name :)) It's 'Olbanian' language (computer and sms jargon famous in Runet when the words are intentionally spelled with all sorts of possible mistakes, or spelled the way they are pronounced (in Russian pronunciation and spelling of many words do not match), sometimes it makes the word shorter which is useful for a cell message; evolution: Yana -- Yanka (it's a standard very informal way of addressing me, only friends have the pleasure of calling me like that, otherwise that would sound impolite and quite offensive) -- Yanko (+wrong ending) -- Ianko (+wrong letter at the beginning)

Ru version for Ru friends:

Высокоинтеллектуальная смс беседа 2 высокоинтеллектуальных русских девушек:

Первая: Спальник сидит на работе в ожидании тебя :p
Вторая: Сидит? Ждет встречи? Вот он мутант… Вы ему хоть кофе предложили?
Первая: Не пьет: следит за здоровьем. Всем офисом скидывались ему на молоко.
Вторая: Йанко, я его боюсь! Свяжи его завтра, плиз!!!
Первая: Так хозяйка ж не велела! Он не буйный, он просто упрямый :)
Вторая: Мдааа… С веревкой завтра приду
Первая: Эй, ты там полегче! Прояви уважение хотя бы к тому, что между нами было!
Вторая: Йанко, не ведись на эти штучки, с кем у него только не было!
Первая: Главное же не с кем, а как…
Вторая: А ваще да… Мож, у вас с ним все серьезно, а я вас разлучаю! *устыдилсо*

Yesterday after I returned from Polyglot meeting I finally finished Glukhovsky. The book is brilliant, although Mom and some other people called it ravings of a madman. One should not take the book ad litteram. It’s, you know, a fantasy thriller at first sight. But the deeper you sink into the novel, the more you view it as a philosophical, intellectual book about everything, and mainly about life and death and the way we see the world. Just like in “Metro 2033” his lyrical digressions left an everlasting impression, but the whole book is much more accurately written when compared to “Metro”, it is wider and deeper, like a huge box with no bottom, and a small cosmos in itself. Glukhovsky is a master of descriptions! If it’s an unpleasant evil scene or place then he makes it so disgusting and horrible that I’m afraid to sit in my flat alone when reading it :) If it’s reminiscences about the past, or reflections about life, he covers them with such lyricism that you feel tears filling your eyes. Or maybe I’m just too emotional :) Anyhow, I feel satisfaction inside me to bring one more story to the logical end.

Today morning on my way to the kitchen I fastened my eyes on a book “Twin Peaks” in the bookcase. This is the inheritance from Boris, our landlord, who did not want to take away his books, so that the whole bookcase in our flat is full of novels and stories. Of course, I heard this name, and of course, I heard about the TV series. But I never watched it. When it was broadcasted here, long ago, in 1995-1996, I was in the age of watching cartoons :) I started looking through the book which is a compilation of the diary of the murdered girl and the notes of the FBI agent sitting over her case. I somehow got interested, and the whole morning at work I was surfing the Net to know more about the TV series, ‘coz the book, although written after the TV series, is a kind of prequel to the main plot. It’s a pity I don’t have Internet at home since Monday, because neither me nor Katya found time this week to pay our Internet bills. I'm quite sad about it in the way that I cannot send a mail to some people... (Don't ask to whom, it's top secret ;) Today again I will not do it because I’m going to hang out with Natasha (I’ll be calling her Yaranchik here, not to mix her up with another friend of mine with the same name) and Zhenya. Hopefully tomorrow. Then I will immediately download the series and watch it. It seems to be another “X-Files” story, and I used to be a fan of “X-Files” in the far-off 90s :) Yeah I’m ‘keeping pace with the time’ watching a TV series shot almost 20 years back :) But… better late than never, is it not? ;)

Reflections on the year that passed...

I’m back to Moscow from vacations. The New Year 2009 has already started. But I still feel kinda incomplete inside unless I give out my reflections on the previous year. What it changed in my life, and how…

It started at Natasha Bayurova’s house when me, Lyuba, George, Des and 2 friends of his crashed in 2 min before midnight with a bottle of Champagne shouting, ‘Aaaah, are we still on time?!’ There’s a common saying in Russia, ‘You’re gonna pass the whole year the way you celebrated its coming’. Messy celebration… messy year… It was the first time I saw that George’s not that madly in love with me than I had been thinking. He did not miss a single girl at the party, having practically forgotten about me – dancing with each and every female creature… Later on there was this story with a girl from Petrozavodsk (eh, forgot her name)… Then Nastya (this name I will never forget!) Then… but it doesn’t matter, since it’s all over for me now…

Lyuba is in America now working as bartender and surfing ‘New Yawk’ couches :) George gave up everything – studying, working, moved to his best friend Vanya and is enjoying the life to the best he can. Des has spoken to me only once since that party, for me to help out with accommodation for him and his 20 friends somehow. He is not a party bird, and has been probably shocked by all that mess (taking in view how quickly he and his friends escaped from the ‘bash’), and decided to keep aside from me and my crazy world :) Pity. But he’s not the first and not the last one since people have a tendency to come and go. "You have so many relationships in this life. But only one or two will last..."

It was a very hard and tense year – mentally. But at the same time the most fruitful one for me ever, in terms of my understanding of life and my soul.

The year of constantly being overwhelmed at work and putting all my efforts for the future of the company and the happiness of the people who take you for granted and do not care a damn about the way of talking to their subordinates. The year by the end of which I made it clear to myself that whatever sympathy you have towards your colleagues or whatever loyalty to the company you carry in your heart you should never place anything above your personal dignity. Nobody will consider your opinion until you firmly put it. And none of your bosses, and nobody at all’s gonna play a “Cinderella’s godmother” for you. Unfortunately. I will never forget the words my ex-boss told me as a piece of advice for future, “Don’t like the company – like the job!” I tried going along the first road due to my character of being faithful to the team you work with, and my desperate hope that they value me, at least a bit. And they do, but only in the scales of their own interest…They are smarter. But I am much younger :) Silly excuse, but it helps me not to blame myself for being too shy in expressing my own demands. Still, I don’t regret doing what I was doing over the last year. Helping the people, sometimes staying in the office until midnight and even longer, doing the tasks I was not supposed to just because I felt responsibility for ‘our common business’ (guess this is a reflection of communism times, since anyway I was born in the Soviet Union :)) I regret them treating the people like that. All of our juniors, and even seniors. And I pity them since it’s their problem. People come and go, you’re your inner vices remain with you until you have a courage to accept your being wrong and consider it for improvement. Sounds quite pompous. I didn’t want that… What I lack is some impudence. Who can contribute a bit to me? I’ll return your favour with interest ;)

This was also the year of still bigger problems in private life. Constant fights and rows with George, our inability to hear each other and adapt to each other’s way of life and thinking. I was trying hardly, but whatever I suggested or did was immediately rejected by him. I still remember how I once suggested something to fill in our weekend, and got an answer that the idea’s good, but he hates me, since it was me to develop this idea, not him. Of course we did not do it, because he was not in a good mood for that. I still don’t see what was wrong in my offering something to him… But it does not matter now :) Then I found his love messages to some other girl. But forgave it. Then he nearly broke off with me because of a short hook-up with Nastya. I again forgave it. Even after he completely cheated on me with her for more than a week while I was on holidays with my Granny, after all that f*cking June when I could not go to work for several days because I was having a stress and all those Nastya’s calls and messages to me to make me feel still worse… I again forgave him... Probably to elaborate. To let the passions fade away inside my heart, to let me grow strong. To put an end. But we both did it simultaneously, at one and the same time at the beginning of December. So peacefully that even remained good acquaintances. Sometimes his stupid childish mind irritates me, but overall I find him a good lad – completely lost in life, but good lad.

The story with George helped me to reveal three important truths to me that I did not see that much clear before. First is that I have fantastic friends! Only thanks to them I recovered so quickly. In all that second half of June seen vague to me because I was not myself, I hear only three phrases of three of my friends: Lena’s “Yana, everything we have on our way is our lessons. Our souls get experience through it. Even when it hurts you, say thanks”; Polina’s “Of course I do suggest that you should at least take a break if not letting him go. But you have to come to it yourself, somehow, and not now”; and Lera’s message to me, the first one to make me smile, typed as a respond to my question “Did you get home safely?” – “No, we’ve been taken hostages by terrorists and are going to Iran now ;] Wanna me to bring you a souvenir from there?” :))) This I learnt fast and well – I should value my irreplaceable, indispensable friends.

The second thing I learnt was that I should never wish harm to any person, whatever shit he does to me. I frankly wished harm to Nastya, even drew schemes of taking revenge upon her in my mind. Until one episode made me see how I was wrong, and that no person in the world has the right to hold a court for another person. Life will take up this role. Of course I knew all these fundamentals before. But it was only last year that I did not only understand them, but also accepted, put on myself and started following.

The third thing is somehow linked to the two previous ones. After I sent that June message to George like that please be happy with her, I’m sure she’s a good girl, and please do not make her suffer because she’s weaker than me and she will not stand it. After that I woke up in the morning with a clear vision of what I’m gonna do in life. Socially. I sent a message to Vlada, “The world will not be better. Same with the people. But until my last tiny hope dies, I will be banging my head against a brick wall to try to make at least the world of the people whom I meet on my way better, to the best I can. Even if they will not value that. And they will not. Most often”.

How did I come to it? Guess the roots were planted when almost 3 years ago I registered on Hospitality Club. Then, a year later, on CouchSurfing. Even though the official mission is stated somewhat differently, “bringing people together”, I would put it in my way – “Bringing the Good together”. When I registered, I was excited about freebie when traveling. But the more I sank into the project, the more people I met through it, the more I got to see how broad and deep was the idea of such clubs. Last year I got into Moscow HC/CS community life, made a lot of new friends among those CSers and HClubbers who reside or temporarily stay in Moscow, and it happened to be the turning-point in my whole mentality.

Small things that made me happy :) I bought skates, a bike and a guitar. Did not use much of skates. Just tried them once with Lena. Did a couple of short bike trips around the Moscow region. And liked it, although I was fully exhausted after each of them, not being used to such physical loadings. And did not touch the guitar at all! Shame! Shame!! This year I will learn to play it. I promised it to Manu :)

Short trips to New Jerusalem (Istra) with CSers, Velikiy Novgorod with George, several trips to St.Pete both alone, with my ex-boss and with Granny. Yaroslavl does not count :)

The more my vision of life was changing, the more I was stopping to act like a Moskovian. I will never be one, and… do I need to? Later I was feeling enormous pride inside when some people from the regions asked me, “Where are you from”, and I answered, “From Moscow”. And felt embarrassed when some Moscow guys were asking, “Were you born here?” and I had to reply, “No, in Yaroslavl”. Now I find it so stupid! How silly I was! How ‘screwed-up! Now I feel no constraint to say I’m not from Moscow by origin, and moreover, I’m proud of being a Yaroslavlian. And have no problems with the people’s reaction at all :) If they like it – good. Don’t like it – better! The undeserved get filtered out immediately :))) I remember how Ox once told me not to “try to color my giraffe spots” ‘coz it’s what makes me different - and unique. I now tend to increase my visits to home since it has been, is and will always be my home. Even if I like my Moscow life too much to return to Yaroslavl.

New friends gained - Lera, Vova, Zhenya, Natasha. Got closer to 2 more people, previously mainly acquaintances of mine, now my very good friends – Natasha (another one) and Lena. I finally got closer to Katya, my flatmate, at least she’s now sharing some private things with me and I know where and with whom she has spent the evening ;)

I got further and further from ‘glamour’. All these high-heel shoes, chic’s dresses and stupid chats about sponsors and money in pompous clubs – all this R&B life is not for me. What’s the use of pretending to be the one you never be? Standards are nothing. I would prefer the sincerity of sitting around the camping fire with a guitar in mud up to my knees in the middle of nowhere. Yesterday I saw a cool wild orange T-Shirt with a phrase on the back “Goodbye D&G!” If they had S size I would buy it :P But they only had XXL :( If Mom saw it, she would get a heart attack, since she’s too wrapped up in prejudices about how a girl of my age should act and look like :)))

That’s briefly (ehh… not VERY briefly to be frank) what the last year for me was like, and what it brought to me. This one’s gonna be tons better. I feel it at an intuition-level. And woman’s intuition seldom tells a lie ;) Besides, it’s my year – I was born almost 24 years ago in the year of Bull. Hope my Bull brother will be generous to me in all the aspects ;) Same to you all! :)

Sign?

Today we were drinking coffee in Natasha’s room while our bosses were out at a meeting. And I forgot the cup at her table. She brought it to me with the words, “Ah, there’s a heart there, see?” The coffee grounds have clearly formed a heart at the bottom of the cup. Mmm… :) Is it a good sign telling me of a new romance awaiting in the near future? Let us hope… :)

"I don't want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need... 'Cause I just want you here tonight holding on to me so tight. What more can I do. Baby, all I want for Christmas is You..."

In the evening (as promised)

OK, so I’m home. 10:12 p.m. Not a record though; there were times when I used to leave the office after midnight and come home at around 1 a.m. The head is not aching that badly thanks to Citramon which I borrowed from Nastya before starting for home.

Today evening when writing a leave application, the HR head and I discovered that I haven’t yet even taken my vacations for the year 2007! To say nothing about 2008!!! It was a shock for us and a bomb for my boss :) Elena fell into a trance :) You should have seen the face with which she signed my vacation application from 26th Dec to 18th Jan :))) Now after that in 2009 I still have 4 days from 2007, 3 weeks from 2008 and 4 weeks for 2009 :))) Yesterday she told me, “I’m Terminator, I don’t take a rest”. Now she changed her mind – I’m a much bigger monster in terms of taking vacation then she or Max :)))

Spent a nice evening with the Polyglots yesterday. Generally I don’t have a chance to join their weekly Thu meetings ’coz of my Spanish class which is exactly on the same day and at the same time. But fall trimester has finally come to an end, and I could come to see the guys.

It was a laugh! Especially when Alberto started talking Russian. “Pochemu ti hahahala?” (in Eng that would sound something like “Why were you hahahaing?” which was actually “Why were you laughing?”). “Ti uhodish? Ti Stalin?” (“You’re leaving? You’re Stalin?”) It took the three of us – Natasha, Anya and me – quite some time to guess that “stalin” to him sounds the same with “ustali” which means “tired” LOL
Got acquainted with Anya finally. Had a curious discussion about one our common acquaintance from France. A very curious one :)

Actually it was planned as a Spanish week, but not a single Spanish-speaker came to the meeting to present the language, and all we had to do was playing games to guess the words the letters in which had intentionally been mixed. And talking other languages. Funny Russian for instance :)

Tista was writing Russian names in Hindi and Bengali. But I already have my name written in Hindi or Marathi (not sure) from Mahesh who sent to me long back.

When going home from the meeting, in a mini bus there was a totally mad person whom we all first took simply for an alcoholic, but in fact he was not drunk, he just was mad. He was talking non-stop about all sorts of odd stuff mixing politics, music, countries and extra-terrestrials. But what was curious about all that – he was linking absolutely illogical things in such a logical way that each next idea of his could be somehow connected with the previous one, even though they were about totally different notions. I was listening to him attentively admiring this wonderful capability. Besides, some of his phrases may be quoted even. Like, when he was addressing us, but of course nobody answered, everybody pretended not to hear, he said, “Hey you act as if you were in space. Though you haven’t paid 20 mio bucks for that! Now you owe me 20 mio!” GREAT, is it not? :)

That’s all news guess for now. I’m putting a full stop here and switching off to read a new Glukhovsky’s book.

Kisses

Song singing now

Katy Perry - Hot n Cold

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes...

'Coz you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down

lalala

I was peacefully walking along the office corridor when Lyova showed up singing this song. Noooo!.. And now I can't get rid of it... / I surely thanked him heartily for the gift he has given to me... :)

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes...

It's almost 8 p.m. now, and I'm still at work. There's practically nobody in the office except for a couple of people. Even our new management team has left for a New Year's party of the department of our parent company where they all used to work before coming here when Maxim was appointed CEO... I have an awful headache, but I need to stay at work due to coming too late to the office today (went to submit the docs for the visa in the morning)... Ah please somebody come take me hooooooome!..

Have just got a supportive message from Lera: "Hold on Ianko! Work is temporary. Your soul's eternal" :)))

I wanted to go to Dan's party tonight, but now all I dream of is my dear soft bed...

Will write more later from home... maybe.

Cheers!

Song singing now

Sharam & Daniel Bedingfield - The One

Is there any way that I could stay in your arms?..

Some kind of boy, some kind of girl
Some kind of song around the world...

If you're not the one, I don't know who is...

lalala

Guess it's stuck in my brain 'coz it was the last song I heard on the radio before I finally woke up in the morning... It's already 3 p.m. now, but I'm still singing it non-stop...

To Gabi and Mahesh

Got a mail with 26 pics from Mahesh yesterday. As well as a bunch of messages regarding some NASA announcement of 7 Moons of Venus to be visible that night which happens once in 7 mio years. And though after checking it up with Granny who is astronomer and learning that, first, it’s total bullshit and, second, that Venus has no satellites at all, I was touched by his care about me. I haven’t written to him anything decent for the last 8 months being busy with work, friends, my boyfriend, i.e. my real life, he still remembers and keeps on sending messages and mails. This message about the sky and Venus sounded quite romantic even :) “Thx for not forgetting me…” – “Only death can make me 4get u!”

I started feeling bad – I felt my guilt for not valuing the people who trully care about me, and need me in this or that way. Even the fact that we never met does not deny the invisible connective waves between the people around the globe. ‘Coz there’s a lot more in the world than what we know and what we think we know, or even what we don’t think.

I feel this strong connection (among the ones whom I’ve not met in person and whom I cannot call my ‘real’ friend yet) only with two people – Gabi and Mahesh. We were about to meet with Gabi this fall when he visited Spain. But his visit was so short that I didn’t even have enough time to apply for the visa to go and see him :( A good acquaintance of mine is going to South America again this winter with 2 friends of hers. I could go with them. Instead, I am applying for the Czech visa… When we broke off with George for the first time in summer, I was sitting in the train with Mom going to Moscow from Yaroslavl and I was so decided about taking vacations and going to Montevideo in the near future. But Gabi went to Spain; I returned to my boyfriend and stayed in Moscow…

What was the initial thought? :) Yeah we should value those who care about us, instead of wasting our time and efforts with those who simply ‘take us for granted’ as Beyonce sings in her last hit which I play every evening nowadays. This idea is as old as the world, I know :) But I want to repeat it again and again, and again – GUYS I LOVE YOU, I ADORE YOU BOTH!!! THANKS FOR ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE BEEN WITH ME!!! FOR ALL THE SMILES YOU’VE GIVEN ME THROUGH THE YEARS!!! I VALUE OUR FRIENDSHIP!!! THANK YOU, DANKE, MERCI, GRAZIE, GRACIAS, SHUKRIYA, СПАСИБО!!! :)))

Nowhere plans

Yesterday I read the book “Twilight” by Stephenie Meyer. I was reading it during my whole train journey back to Moscow in one breath, paying no attention to what was happening around – so deeply sank I into the book. The book is pure entertainment, but what a beautiful Love it depicts! It amazed me, astonished me - depressed me… I envy Bella, the heroine, so much! She has found her Love, great Love – Love that wipes off all the prejudices and breaks all the bars, Love that opens the doors between the two incompatible worlds – fire and ice, civilization and wildness, life and death. And even though it makes her walk on the tight rope, hurts her and makes her cry at times, she has no fear – she resolutely marches ahead, to horror, to his scary savage world, to him… And Love that Ed and Bella are covered with, is their reward, their recompense for all the sacrifices they do for each other.

Does such a Love exist in real life? Where is it? I long for it, I need it, I beg for it! Is there anywhere in the world the One who’s meant for me; the One who will one day tell me, “You are the most important thing to me now; the most important thing to me ever!”; the One who will take me by the hand and will never let it out; the One who will always be with me as a shelter, as a world for me to live in, as the Sun and the Moon, the Water and the Skies; the One who will be my Life, the One whom I’ll breathe… I need him NOW! I am dying slowly without him. I’m dying! I already love him; I am ready to give up all for him. But he doesn’t come. Does he exist? Does Love exist at all??

It took Ed about a hundred years to find Bella. It scares me. I am not immortal… And where’s the guarantee that I’ll find my match in my Time? No guarantee – just an everlasting Hope in God’s generosity. But do I deserve it?..

I have tons of unspent love and tenderness inside me. But the days go by, and still I don’t find that One to whom I’ll give my all, and more than that, much more than that!

“Maybe someday…” I’m tired of saying “someday”. I get on the trolley to go home through the nightly Moscow, lean my head to the window, and look – into nowhere… I always remember the video of Glyuk’OZA then where she’s singing, “Moscow does not believe the tears…” Who does?

“He’s a real nowhere man
Sitting in his nowhere land
Making all his nowhere plans for nobody…”

Making all my nowhere plans for nobody…

Weekend

It was my last visit to hometown this year. On Friday I was about to miss the train as usual, if it were not for Natasha who came up to me asking, “You still here? When is your train?” I looked at my watch: 6:19 p.m. The train is 7:05. Shit!.. Thank God I had a light bag with me, which enabled me to run fast. In the carriage a boy slumped into the seat in front of me. And looked strangely. No, he actually looked normally, but strangely in the fact that he gave me a look as if we were acquainted and as if he were waiting for my reaction. But I was tired to guess who he was even if we were acquainted (which is quite possible, speaking by how people tell my friends they know me and describe me in all the details – while I don’t remember them at all!). I closed my eyes and dropped off to sleep.

When sleeping I heard some more guys occupied the nearby seats talking to each other. In an hour I woke up, and immediately heard, “Yana!” somewhere from the right. There was Yura sitting, an acquaintance of mine, whom I got to know through my classmate and friend Misha about a year ago. We never met since then, but used to exchange messages on Vkontakte (Russian Facebook) from time to time. After seeing Yura, I immediately remembered the first guy who stared at me in the very beginning of the journey – his name was Lyonya, and I met him at the same party where I got to know Yura. They were traveling in a company of 3 – the third guy, Alexander, I did not meet him before, but he used to date one of my classmates (as I learnt from Yura in the train) and knew a bunch of other my acquaintances. There was a lot to talk and share with them since we went to the same school which they had finished 6 years before me. Of course I could not remember them at school because I was a 5th form baby when they left school, but the pupils change faster than school teachers and traditions :)

On Saturday I met with my girls quite spontaneously. I did not intend to meet any of my friends, I even didn’t tell anybody about my visit, because I had to do a lot of shopping and then Granny came to see me. But at 9 p.m. I was absolutely free and quite spontaneously messaged Ox on ICQ: “Hey Giffie, are you at home? Call me”. She was shocked :) And after a 30-min phone chat we spontaneously decided to go for a walk :) She has just quarreled with her bf, I have just broken off with mine – we had a lot to discuss, even though we met 2 weeks ago at her BDay. We had a brilliant walk! One of those which we used to have when I lived in Yaroslavl and we often wandered around the city centre or sat in a coffee place and shared our dreams, thoughts, our poems and songs… Those great days… When I did not spend my life in the stuffy office working for those who will unlikely value what I am doing. When I did not rent this messy old apartment in a shabby building. When I could devote a lot of myself to creative work and friends. The best ever time devotion :) I miss those days… But we have to go on. And we need to.

We discovered that we both want a tattoo with giraffe (other options were not even discussed heh)! If she comes here next weekend we will try to find something in Moscow to know the prices. I can’t explain how important this fact is for me. It is a symbol of our friendship, unity, way of life – everything! When last week I was feeling sad and told her, “Mm… I don’t know… Maybe because I’m afraid to be left alone”, she said, “Why alone? You have me and Raccoon. We will always be together”. I know. And I value. More than anything in this world I value my friendship with Giffie, Raccoon, Vlada, Polina, and Lyuba! I am the happiest person on the Earth to have friends who support me so much!

Later on Raccoon and Anya joined us. They were in a night club, but having learnt that I’m here, Raccoon decided to come. Thanks Alice! :) I haven’t seen Anya since the time we graduated. She’s now doing PG and lectures at our university. Got some news from her: one girl got married (my ex very good friend), one – reported missing…

Didn’t want to leave as usual. But I had to. Another working week. Another struggle with loneliness in a Big City. Another turn of a wheel of Life.