Прыжок
Смотрю сквозь закрытую дверцу балкона
Мне все здесь не ново, и все - незнакомо
Твой мэйл о побеге в мыслях рвется снарядом
Бежать – но зачем? Ведь я рядом! Я рядом!
Нога – перекладина… Это не шутка!
Стучу. Маш, ну обернись на минутку!
Пытаюсь сломать – не могу… Наклонилась…
Как сделать, чтоб время вдруг остановилось?!
И, голос теряя, с последней надеждой,
Кричу сквозь стекло: «Помнишь, что было прежде?
Ведь мы же любили, мы счастливы были!
Не верю, чтоб вдруг твои чувства остыли!
Наверх, убежать от всего за закатом -
Но я же внизу, как ты сможешь одна там?
Да, жизнь не бывает безоблачной книгой,
Но вспомни о нас, Маш, не бойся, не прыгай!»
Как будто сквозь пластик ты что-нибудь слышишь!
Секунда – прыжок – и – ты больше не дышишь…
Всего лишь прыжок – и погас свет в тоннеле
Один лишь прыжок – и захлопнулись двери…
Внизу, во дворе, суета и гуденье
- 03! – Кто? – Тяжелая жизнь… избавленье…
Смотрю и не вижу… Сознание стерто…
Откуда здесь мяч?.. Да идите все к черту!..
Смотрю и не вижу… Любовь умирает,
А слез нет в глазах – злоба душу сжигает
Ведь ей было проще не биться, а сдаться!
Ей было плевать! Так зачем убиваться?
Скатилась слеза, и еще. Вот напасти!
Один лишь прыжок…Сердце рвется на части…
Мне надо … куда?.. разум мысли теряет…
А что там у них? Увезли? Мама знает?..
Вчера ты сказала: «Мы вместе навечно»
Бреду без разбора… Как жизнь скоротечна!
Один лишь прыжок – и все стало иначе…
Предатель-слеза… Все, я больше не плачу!
Проклятье! Кому? – слышу звон телефона.
Отстаньте!.. Стою у какого-то дома…
И с болью в душе устремляю взгляд к звездам:
Ты нас не ценила – ты бросила просто…
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Fate or chance?
Do you wonder why this or that thing happens to you, or why this or that person appears on your way? And when it happens, is it fate or chance? Does it mean anything?
It’s amazing, the very time I start to doubt whether I really need to spend the money on the guitar and midi-keyboard (when I did not have most of other important appliances like microwave-oven, a washing machine etc) I meet a girl on ICQ (no, it was actually she who found me) with the same name, also from Moscow and also a HC member (!), who’s a vocalist of a pop duet (!!). Her husband turns out to be a guitarist, arrangement maker, has his own studio, teaches guitar (!!!), and can help me buy a good guitar and teach me to play it! Besides they are looking for song text authors! What’s that? Is it the way some magic power from above tries to show me that I need to go on? Or do I just simply believe what I desire?
Lena says that every situation we get into is useful ‘coz it teaches or shows us something. She has dozens of evidences to this. So do I, but my stubborn mind still keeps on saying, “Stop it, come to earth, there are no magic powers in the world”. I know. But how else can I explain it? What’s your opinion?
It’s amazing, the very time I start to doubt whether I really need to spend the money on the guitar and midi-keyboard (when I did not have most of other important appliances like microwave-oven, a washing machine etc) I meet a girl on ICQ (no, it was actually she who found me) with the same name, also from Moscow and also a HC member (!), who’s a vocalist of a pop duet (!!). Her husband turns out to be a guitarist, arrangement maker, has his own studio, teaches guitar (!!!), and can help me buy a good guitar and teach me to play it! Besides they are looking for song text authors! What’s that? Is it the way some magic power from above tries to show me that I need to go on? Or do I just simply believe what I desire?
Lena says that every situation we get into is useful ‘coz it teaches or shows us something. She has dozens of evidences to this. So do I, but my stubborn mind still keeps on saying, “Stop it, come to earth, there are no magic powers in the world”. I know. But how else can I explain it? What’s your opinion?
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Best friend of a child
On Sunday Lu and I went to watch “The Nanny Diaries”. A nice comedy-melodrama about a young girl working as a nanny in a rich Manhattan family. Nothing special about the plot, but it somehow touched my heart so that I was about to weep at some dramatic points. The scene when the nanny says, “The worst thing that could happen to you is getting attached to the child, but how can you remain indifferent when these two big eyes are looking at you with hope?” was especially strong. For me, because I felt the same when I was giving private classes to a small girl 3 days a week for almost 3 years. Very soon she started sharing her secrets and everyday stuff with me, and once she said I was her best friend. It’s such a small thing to be named ‘best friend’ by an 8-year old girl – and big thing because you feel that this small person trusts you and loves you.
“Yana do you have a child?” – “Nooo, you’re quite enough for me Nastya, believe me” (this was actually meant as irony, ‘coz she was always so noisy and lazy!) - “Cooool! Thaaaaaank you!!” with a tight embrace following.
There were moments when she suddenly addressed me “mama” – first year it confused me, second – amazed, and third – made me almost happy.
I suggested her mother that she would bring Nastya to the music school. The one which I finished, and where my Mom now works. It made me feel proud to advise something useful to her family, being the person whose opinion was important for them.
When I accompanied her to the swimming-pool to put a swimming cap on her head (she can’t do it herself) from time to time when her parents had no time, or when I picked her up after music school classes to bring home and hold an English class there – I was proud, too. I enjoyed playing the role of a ‘big sis’ to this small girl, and everyone took me for her sister in fact. Am I a good actress? But was it acting?!
She always tried my new clothes (jackets, coats, fir coats, scarves, gloves), and every lesson ended in my shouting, “Nastya, return my coat to me, I’m in a hurry, I need to go!” – “No way. You’ll stay here!” – “Nastyaaaaaaaa!!! I said BRING ME BACK MY COAT!!!”
I remember that Tamagochi I bought to her. She was asking it so persistently, that I had to satisfy this need of hers. But when I said it was going to replace her Birthday present, ‘coz that’s enough of presents, she said, “Take it away, I don’t want it. I want to have that Birthday present”. I got angry and upset all in one, took it away and left it somewhere on the steps of the porch. I didn’t regret those 100 rub. spent on it, but I felt like my present meant nothing to her, though I wished it so much to buy her something that she could use and remember me. Sure she is just a child, and she didn’t understand that, and I needed to explain it to her. But well we can’t turn back time, and I must still be not grown up enough if I let these childish acts happen on my side.
She may be different. Quiet and naughty, all heart or mean, she may make you almost furious and want to kill everyone around, she may upset you. But still it fills your heart with such a joy, happiness and completeness when you spend the time with a child. Will she remember me in 10 years? Who knows. But I know that I will always remember these 3 years that I’ve been the best friend of a child.
“Yana do you have a child?” – “Nooo, you’re quite enough for me Nastya, believe me” (this was actually meant as irony, ‘coz she was always so noisy and lazy!) - “Cooool! Thaaaaaank you!!” with a tight embrace following.
There were moments when she suddenly addressed me “mama” – first year it confused me, second – amazed, and third – made me almost happy.
I suggested her mother that she would bring Nastya to the music school. The one which I finished, and where my Mom now works. It made me feel proud to advise something useful to her family, being the person whose opinion was important for them.
When I accompanied her to the swimming-pool to put a swimming cap on her head (she can’t do it herself) from time to time when her parents had no time, or when I picked her up after music school classes to bring home and hold an English class there – I was proud, too. I enjoyed playing the role of a ‘big sis’ to this small girl, and everyone took me for her sister in fact. Am I a good actress? But was it acting?!
She always tried my new clothes (jackets, coats, fir coats, scarves, gloves), and every lesson ended in my shouting, “Nastya, return my coat to me, I’m in a hurry, I need to go!” – “No way. You’ll stay here!” – “Nastyaaaaaaaa!!! I said BRING ME BACK MY COAT!!!”
I remember that Tamagochi I bought to her. She was asking it so persistently, that I had to satisfy this need of hers. But when I said it was going to replace her Birthday present, ‘coz that’s enough of presents, she said, “Take it away, I don’t want it. I want to have that Birthday present”. I got angry and upset all in one, took it away and left it somewhere on the steps of the porch. I didn’t regret those 100 rub. spent on it, but I felt like my present meant nothing to her, though I wished it so much to buy her something that she could use and remember me. Sure she is just a child, and she didn’t understand that, and I needed to explain it to her. But well we can’t turn back time, and I must still be not grown up enough if I let these childish acts happen on my side.
She may be different. Quiet and naughty, all heart or mean, she may make you almost furious and want to kill everyone around, she may upset you. But still it fills your heart with such a joy, happiness and completeness when you spend the time with a child. Will she remember me in 10 years? Who knows. But I know that I will always remember these 3 years that I’ve been the best friend of a child.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Silence
Today crossing 3rd Transport Ring to get home I suddenly remembered Ox. Don’t know why, but I felt like sending her something, although we did not communicate for over a month. There were moments when I was almost sure we would never talk to each other again. Then that poem of hers, my poetic respond to her, her poem in respond to my respond, finally ending in her insults and blames and my silence. Yes, there were and still are things I can’t understand and I still remember “If you look at everything from your arrogant roof then there’s no need to be always the first to write to you”, but guess we both crossed the line when sending those blameful texts. Anyway knowing myself well, I just needed time to forget ‘coz I don’t like to remember old hurts.
After the apartment question had somehow settled down, I just knew at once what the main point of my anger was – because she did not go with me. And I sent her an sms, “I’ve thought about it, and you know, what the real reason for my anger is, - not that you let me down with an apartment, but that you did not stay in Moscow with me. Because how great it would be if you did”. And I’m glad she got it right. “And… is Avril giving a concert?” – “You read it???” I was surprised, but happy to know she was still reading my Blog despite of all. She then even phoned me from Yar on my home phone and we finally had a normal talk after so many weeks. I know we will never happen to spend as much time as we did before, ‘coz university’s over, and she’s leaving for Holland, maybe forever. But at least we’re friends again. I think I need to write to Katya, too, ‘coz I hate it having a taste of quarrel with a close friend and be silent.
We all make mistakes – some are trifles, some are not – but it’ll never do us good if we kept our hurts inside us ‘til the end, ‘coz it’ll never leave if we value friendship at least a bit. Mom never spoke to her Dad properly after divorce. Many times I asked her why she never phoned him or went to visit him, but she constantly replied it was none my business. So that I’ve never seen my Grandpa. Mom once told me we met him in the trolley when I was little and they talked a little, but she intentionally did not tell me he was my Grandpa and I simply paid no attention to some stranger talking to my Mom. There were plenty of such strangers all around! Why did she decide for me?! She had no right! I thought I would meet him at Yulya’s wedding, but his sister told him a lie that the wedding date had been transferred, just to help my Mom never meet him again. It was the last chance for me to see him. Never mind. I don’t feel like it’s a thing of vital importance, ‘coz I don’t know him and he has no place in my life and in my heart, but I can’t understand those who prefer to solve their problems by silence. Silence never helps. It drowns. It fills the every spot of your ‘box’ so that you’d never chance to hear anything more. Do you like being deaf? I don’t.
After the apartment question had somehow settled down, I just knew at once what the main point of my anger was – because she did not go with me. And I sent her an sms, “I’ve thought about it, and you know, what the real reason for my anger is, - not that you let me down with an apartment, but that you did not stay in Moscow with me. Because how great it would be if you did”. And I’m glad she got it right. “And… is Avril giving a concert?” – “You read it???” I was surprised, but happy to know she was still reading my Blog despite of all. She then even phoned me from Yar on my home phone and we finally had a normal talk after so many weeks. I know we will never happen to spend as much time as we did before, ‘coz university’s over, and she’s leaving for Holland, maybe forever. But at least we’re friends again. I think I need to write to Katya, too, ‘coz I hate it having a taste of quarrel with a close friend and be silent.
We all make mistakes – some are trifles, some are not – but it’ll never do us good if we kept our hurts inside us ‘til the end, ‘coz it’ll never leave if we value friendship at least a bit. Mom never spoke to her Dad properly after divorce. Many times I asked her why she never phoned him or went to visit him, but she constantly replied it was none my business. So that I’ve never seen my Grandpa. Mom once told me we met him in the trolley when I was little and they talked a little, but she intentionally did not tell me he was my Grandpa and I simply paid no attention to some stranger talking to my Mom. There were plenty of such strangers all around! Why did she decide for me?! She had no right! I thought I would meet him at Yulya’s wedding, but his sister told him a lie that the wedding date had been transferred, just to help my Mom never meet him again. It was the last chance for me to see him. Never mind. I don’t feel like it’s a thing of vital importance, ‘coz I don’t know him and he has no place in my life and in my heart, but I can’t understand those who prefer to solve their problems by silence. Silence never helps. It drowns. It fills the every spot of your ‘box’ so that you’d never chance to hear anything more. Do you like being deaf? I don’t.
Old old poem
I was tidying up my writing-table and found an old poem of mine, written 5 or more years ago, meant as an epigraph to an essay:
Crowds around you hurry somewhere
Trying to reach their goals
While you try hard to learn for what we are there
Why we should live in this world
Someone who’s greater uses us in his story
Just to create what he needs
We are his tools, things he searches for glory
Life is a cart on his wheels
Asking the questions, seeking the solver
Is dead-end road of lies
You’re neither maker nor a performer
You’re a mirage of the times
Crowds around you hurry somewhere
Trying to reach their goals
While you try hard to learn for what we are there
Why we should live in this world
Someone who’s greater uses us in his story
Just to create what he needs
We are his tools, things he searches for glory
Life is a cart on his wheels
Asking the questions, seeking the solver
Is dead-end road of lies
You’re neither maker nor a performer
You’re a mirage of the times
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Spirit of youth
Yulya was totally right yesterday, “We shouldn’t live for tomorrow only. Need to save some space for today, too”. I returned to the office and booked the ticket to Avril Lavigne’s concert. Found a guy on the Internet who is a theatre ticket distributor, and bought a ticket to the theatre, too. Called my friends to the Irish pub. If I want this, why can’t I satisfy this need of mine? After all, money’s nothing if one doesn’t spend it to bring some joy to his life. I can’t really understand those who are just gazing at distant tomorrow skies. It’s a no go. Then you turn round years after – and life’s gone – and you haven’t done anything you could have. I know plenty of such sad stories. These guys are now eager to give everything to turn back the hands of time. But it never works out. “The time is up… it’s 5 O’clock… it never stops…”
It’s such a privilege to be young and have no horizons before you. And being able to do whatever we wish to, ‘coz there are so many wonders and so many chances. And let this spirit stay in us for as long as it’s possible in our not-so-easy life! That’s my biggest hope ever, ‘coz whenever we dash it, in a trice our world turns into a black-and-white ‘everyday’. Is that what we’re born for? “Noway! Noway!.” We will prove the whole world that we CAN live a real life – life full of unbelievable adventures, miraculous discoveries, fantastic fulfillments and a whole color spectrum emotions! Life we dream of!! Life we long for!!!
"Take me to the place
Where we belong
Where we wanna be
No inhibitions
'Cause we're young
And we want to be free!"
It’s such a privilege to be young and have no horizons before you. And being able to do whatever we wish to, ‘coz there are so many wonders and so many chances. And let this spirit stay in us for as long as it’s possible in our not-so-easy life! That’s my biggest hope ever, ‘coz whenever we dash it, in a trice our world turns into a black-and-white ‘everyday’. Is that what we’re born for? “Noway! Noway!.” We will prove the whole world that we CAN live a real life – life full of unbelievable adventures, miraculous discoveries, fantastic fulfillments and a whole color spectrum emotions! Life we dream of!! Life we long for!!!
"Take me to the place
Where we belong
Where we wanna be
No inhibitions
'Cause we're young
And we want to be free!"
Monday, September 10, 2007
A wave of inspiration
Yesterday I posted my translation of “I Will Come To You” on our fan site. And got replies, “Cool”; “Great. Got any other translations?”; “I’m delighted. Greatly done, I think it’s the best translation”. I am happy :) It’s so important to feel that you have some skills, you CAN do something good. Especially after a number of pressing failures. I feel a sudden wave of inspiration washing me off the usual office routine. And I’ve got some new ideas. Which – you’ll learn it later, after I implement them and if I do it :)
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