Silence

Today crossing 3rd Transport Ring to get home I suddenly remembered Ox. Don’t know why, but I felt like sending her something, although we did not communicate for over a month. There were moments when I was almost sure we would never talk to each other again. Then that poem of hers, my poetic respond to her, her poem in respond to my respond, finally ending in her insults and blames and my silence. Yes, there were and still are things I can’t understand and I still remember “If you look at everything from your arrogant roof then there’s no need to be always the first to write to you”, but guess we both crossed the line when sending those blameful texts. Anyway knowing myself well, I just needed time to forget ‘coz I don’t like to remember old hurts.

After the apartment question had somehow settled down, I just knew at once what the main point of my anger was – because she did not go with me. And I sent her an sms, “I’ve thought about it, and you know, what the real reason for my anger is, - not that you let me down with an apartment, but that you did not stay in Moscow with me. Because how great it would be if you did”. And I’m glad she got it right. “And… is Avril giving a concert?” – “You read it???” I was surprised, but happy to know she was still reading my Blog despite of all. She then even phoned me from Yar on my home phone and we finally had a normal talk after so many weeks. I know we will never happen to spend as much time as we did before, ‘coz university’s over, and she’s leaving for Holland, maybe forever. But at least we’re friends again. I think I need to write to Katya, too, ‘coz I hate it having a taste of quarrel with a close friend and be silent.

We all make mistakes – some are trifles, some are not – but it’ll never do us good if we kept our hurts inside us ‘til the end, ‘coz it’ll never leave if we value friendship at least a bit. Mom never spoke to her Dad properly after divorce. Many times I asked her why she never phoned him or went to visit him, but she constantly replied it was none my business. So that I’ve never seen my Grandpa. Mom once told me we met him in the trolley when I was little and they talked a little, but she intentionally did not tell me he was my Grandpa and I simply paid no attention to some stranger talking to my Mom. There were plenty of such strangers all around! Why did she decide for me?! She had no right! I thought I would meet him at Yulya’s wedding, but his sister told him a lie that the wedding date had been transferred, just to help my Mom never meet him again. It was the last chance for me to see him. Never mind. I don’t feel like it’s a thing of vital importance, ‘coz I don’t know him and he has no place in my life and in my heart, but I can’t understand those who prefer to solve their problems by silence. Silence never helps. It drowns. It fills the every spot of your ‘box’ so that you’d never chance to hear anything more. Do you like being deaf? I don’t.

Old old poem

I was tidying up my writing-table and found an old poem of mine, written 5 or more years ago, meant as an epigraph to an essay:

Crowds around you hurry somewhere
Trying to reach their goals
While you try hard to learn for what we are there
Why we should live in this world
Someone who’s greater uses us in his story
Just to create what he needs
We are his tools, things he searches for glory
Life is a cart on his wheels
Asking the questions, seeking the solver
Is dead-end road of lies
You’re neither maker nor a performer
You’re a mirage of the times

Spirit of youth

Yulya was totally right yesterday, “We shouldn’t live for tomorrow only. Need to save some space for today, too”. I returned to the office and booked the ticket to Avril Lavigne’s concert. Found a guy on the Internet who is a theatre ticket distributor, and bought a ticket to the theatre, too. Called my friends to the Irish pub. If I want this, why can’t I satisfy this need of mine? After all, money’s nothing if one doesn’t spend it to bring some joy to his life. I can’t really understand those who are just gazing at distant tomorrow skies. It’s a no go. Then you turn round years after – and life’s gone – and you haven’t done anything you could have. I know plenty of such sad stories. These guys are now eager to give everything to turn back the hands of time. But it never works out. “The time is up… it’s 5 O’clock… it never stops…”

It’s such a privilege to be young and have no horizons before you. And being able to do whatever we wish to, ‘coz there are so many wonders and so many chances. And let this spirit stay in us for as long as it’s possible in our not-so-easy life! That’s my biggest hope ever, ‘coz whenever we dash it, in a trice our world turns into a black-and-white ‘everyday’. Is that what we’re born for? “Noway! Noway!.” We will prove the whole world that we CAN live a real life – life full of unbelievable adventures, miraculous discoveries, fantastic fulfillments and a whole color spectrum emotions! Life we dream of!! Life we long for!!!

"Take me to the place
Where we belong
Where we wanna be
No inhibitions
'Cause we're young
And we want to be free!"

A wave of inspiration

Yesterday I posted my translation of “I Will Come To You” on our fan site. And got replies, “Cool”; “Great. Got any other translations?”; “I’m delighted. Greatly done, I think it’s the best translation”. I am happy :) It’s so important to feel that you have some skills, you CAN do something good. Especially after a number of pressing failures. I feel a sudden wave of inspiration washing me off the usual office routine. And I’ve got some new ideas. Which – you’ll learn it later, after I implement them and if I do it :)

Broken Boomerang

I need to redo the text of “Reliability”. Yes, they both did let me down, and I still feel a kind of upset, more not ‘coz of this let-down, but ‘coz it were they, the people whom I trusted so much. One apologized and we restored piece. One did not. But it’s not what it’s about. Now – I’m doing the same thing to Katya, the person who never let me down in any situation and who was praps the only one among my so-to-say ‘new’ friends (mean not from school days, those ones who are tested by time) on whom I could rely (mm… not 100% sure, ‘coz practice showed you never know, but almost). I can imagine what she now thinks about me (or maybe even cannot?!), and though I apologized I know things will never go on like they did before. ‘Coz I’m now out of trust anyway. And she’s serious and responsible, so should her friends be. I don’t fit in. Never did, but I was trying my best to meet these requirements. Silly – you can never hide the truth. And my lot is spending chatty nights in pubs laughing ‘bout some silly joke with those who will easily kick me off their way as soon as they think I’ve gone too far and hinder. I HATE IT! But I know that I will always go lured by something insensible. And well it’s better than letting down decent people and feel ashamed and guilt after. I feel bad. I have a desire to get on the train back home now, and leave everything behind and disappear in the usual fuss of Moscow. Hoping to forget this blemish. I won’t, but I will play. Like I always do when I feel bad. Talking to those who don’t know about what has happened. I will tell, but they won’t blame ‘coz no one blames ‘til he’s into this, too.

They say, “as you sow you shall mow”, right? Or “your every deed will boomerang to you”. Then I’ve got some broken boomerang at my side, ’coz I first mow, then sow. TELL ME WHAT’S THE SENSE IN A BROKEN BOOMERANG???

To Oxana

Оксане

Когда б любой упрек или обиды звук
Казался блажью,
Развитие души застыло б вдруг,
Пропав однажды
Да, свой порок подчас нам не понять
Так полно, глубоко, что тот, у друга
Так почему б ему не подсказать
Ему ж в услугу?
Но если другу проще бить в ответ,
Стрелу переводя, чтоб легче целить,
Неся с собой один лишь разочарованья след,
Быть может, глупо было в дружбу верить?
А может, глядя в дождь, мы не бессмертья ищем
И даже не о добрых чувствах молим слезно,
А ждем лишь пары слов, для древа дружбы пищи:
«Я подвела. Прости. Я поняла. Серьезно»?..

Recent doings

God, it’s almost a month that I haven’t been here! But it’s so hard to find a minute when being torn apart somewhere in between Yar and Moscow. Interviews to follow one another, sometimes up to 3 on one day. And you’re ready to drop right in the Metro carriage after a day of rushing about Moscow in an office suit under +30 C (to be surely hotter on a Metro ring line, especially at peak hours). Finally, it seems now that I’ve found a job, but I haven’t yet sent a confirmation in response to an employment offer letter. The problem to solve now is finding an apartment to rent, and it feels like being a much bigger problem than getting employed. But we’ll make it :-) I returned to Yar for a couple of days to settle a number of other questions, while Lyuba stayed in Moscow. Hope she’ll find a way for us while she is there.

Music-wise, 3 new texts appeared meanwhile, “Rainbow”, “Radically Tuned”, and “Who Sold The Book?” Ox has recently made a ‘useful acquaintance’ through which we found a good studio with moderate fees to record some of my tracks. Need to make them first. I’m buying a midi-keyboard and a special graphic lap top for this purpose (damn it’s hell expensive!). But it’s a question of months, no doubt. I’m quite decided about buying a guitar and learning to play it. I feel like time has come to do the things I’ve always longed for. Life’s too short to wait. I think it was Sergey Lazarev to mention this aphorism in some interview, “Those who patiently wait - get something in the end, but this something is usually what’s left from those who never waited” SUPER! :-)

I’m placing thick dots here, not a point, ‘coz I’m gonna keep on updating you on what’s going on in my life, and sharing new thoughts and stories. But right now I need to go. Mom’s ex-student is visiting us in 2 hours with her groom to invite Mom officially to her wedding which will be held on August 20th. Great girl, and I’m happy for her happiness! She deserves it!!!

Biiig hugs and kisses,
Love ya all,
Me.